Wednesday, December 23, 2009
This boy (please don't mistake him for me) was born to parents who loved him dearly, and nurtured him to genius at an early age. As a very young boy, he showed a capacity to outwit his loving parents. By the age of five, he had developed a keen interest in trickle-down economics and stuffed animals. By six, he was done with stuffed animals. He taught David Abernathy the fundamentals of ball-point pen surgery just a year later, and became the youngest person to land on the moon a year after that. Indeed, Lakeb had it made. In middle school, he had drawn up a theoretically-practical design for a time-machine. As a freshman in high school, he was engaged to Tiger's 4th mistress, but had to settle for number 97 when he found out about her cheating. There were a whole bunch of other crazy things he did in his early life, but I'm too lazy to make them up list them.
Mr. Rhavey turned 15, and instead of searching for universities, he decided to found his own. In order to invite all his friends, he needed a way to reach out to all 50,000 of them. Something like a social networking site. He had in no time accumulated 250,000 friends on Facebook (everyone has more friends on the internet). He grew to know them all as if each was his best friend, until he found a game called Farmville.
Lakeb abandoned all of his fame and fortune (and every bit of his common sense) to play Farmville. He has since dropped out of school, died his hair yellow (the color of hay bales), and joined a cult. He sold the ring he bought for Tiger girl to buy Farmville credits. When he got to a 32 X 32 plot, he could not get up. When he reached 1028 X 1028, he thought about getting out of his chair and pursuing more worthy tasks (you know, like brushing his teeth, or changing his diaper), but upon realizing this weakness, he glued his pants to his chair, and glued himself to his pants, so that he could not possibly leave. This ends the story of Lakeb Rhavey.
UNLESS, you have heard the call, and felt the urge to do something. There is still hope. Or at least hope that there is hope. What can be destroyed by the dastardly evils of the internet can also be revived. All it takes is your consideration, and half a second of your time to join the cause. Do it for Lakeb.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
If (Vince) Young keeps winning, Tebow could rocket up to the top five picks in the 2010 draft. Tim -- send Vince a case of champagne!
Someone....type something for me.
Gregg's dog's name is Dublin. I couldn't imagine talking to this guy for more than two minutes without fainting from rage.
Forty times: 4.48 for Young, 4.68 for Tebow...but we knew that. We knew Young was faster.
I don't know if anyone's noticed....(this is Tebow's worst year) SHHHHHHHHH, DON'T LET THAT OUT IN THE OPEN. THEY WILL STONE US AND CONDEMN US AS WITCHES. KEEP YOUR TYPING DOWN.
In his last year, Young threw for 3036 yards with a 65.2% completion percentage and ran for 1050 yards on 155 carries. Tebow is in an offense that is designed for him to carry the ball, and thus far he has carried it 203 times for 859 yards. PEDESTRIAN. He is about as accurate as Young.
Find me a mock draft with Tim Tebow in the top five. GO!
The athletic wise men hath proclaimed him the sole hope for our lost souls. What are we to do when he is reduced to tears? I feel like seeing if I can fly. It's my only recourse.
He looked so downtrodden. So....defeated.
We are also crying, Timothy. We are also crying.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
November 13th, 2009
Lakers are able to slow and eventually smother the team that thrill-seeking fans hoped would be their biggest Western rival.
The NBA's traveling carnival came to town Thursday, tilt-a-whirl breaks and cotton candy shots everywhere.
-Carnival = The highest scoring team at 111.4 PPG and the second best passing team with 24.3 APG.
-Cotton candy shots = 50.1% on FG, 44.8% from three, leading the league in both.
The currently 13-3 Phoenix Suns. Such an embarrassment to the league.
It rolled in here after owning Boston, owning Miami, owning Philadelphia, turning the early season into its own Disneyland.
"This is a fun team," chortled the Phoenix Suns Leandro Barbosa early Thursday evening at Staples Center. "We play fun basketball."
Then the diamond-studded locals wandered in, wise to the midway and wary of the rides and unimpressed with the barking.
Three hours later, the NBA's traveling carnival had been reduced to a collection of creaky metal and cracked mirrors in a church parking lot.
Bunch of losers, beating the Celtics in Boston? Meh, says I. They have a roster full of chortling buffoons who do not know how to set a good screen or foul based on race, two ingrained fundamentals on which James Naismith built this fine game.
The Lakers won a regular season game, before the season is even 1/4 over, 121-102 over the Suns. THIS IS GROUNDBREAKING STUFF. The Suns' whole state of being has been eternally negated.
Even though the Suns started the season 6-1, they cannot win a championship with this system.
I agree with this. The tone he takes is just a bag of dead cats.
That wild and crazy Suns shooting? They missed nine of their first 11 attempts. A team that had previously made a league-best half of its shots wound up shooting just 37%.
Funny how those rainbows aren't so pretty with a hand in your face or Ron Artest in your gut.
Here we are, and they still lead the league.
Plaschke's tone is his way of saying: "This isn't real basketball. Real basketball is basketball that I appreciate. It's basketball that the unclean simply don't understand."
Most NBA fans agree the Suns aren't winning a championship in this manner, basically because they have black holes at the 1,4 and 5 on defense. Hell, it's not like Grant Hill and J-Rich are going to make any all defensive teams either. With the personnel they have, littered with professionals allergic to defense, they push the tempo and maximize the possessions. And they're 13-3, so go suck an egg.
What's Plaschke's alternative?
Interesting how, while having no visible center makes you faster on offense, it can turn you into jelly on defense.
A visible center? Like Shaq? That worked great, missing the playoffs and all. Plus:
PPG 09-10: 111.4
PPG 08-09: 109.4
Opp. PPG 09-10: 105.9
Opp. PPG 08-09: 107.5
This year they are +5.5, last year they were +1.9.
I agree a center would help, as Channing Frye couldn't guard Andrew Bynum with stilts and scimitar arms. But maybe, just maybe, the Suns wanted to put that experiment to sleep, and evaluate the need for a defensive center during the 2010 draft. Meanwhile, Channing Frye leads the team with 41 3pt. makes. That seems to fit their philosophy, a philosophy, by the way, that's resulted in a 13-3 record.
They cannot consistently beat a team with an established big man, and after his sixth game this season, Bynum is looking pretty established.
I don't disagree. HOWEVAH! He's writing this article based on one game. Hey, I can do that!
Take this game: A 101-91 win by the Rockets in the mecca of Plashcke basketball (plaschketball) Los Angeles, California. Aaron Brooks puts up a 33-6-4 with five threes in 40 minutes. Derek Fisher puts up 7-6-5 on 3-13 shooting and five personal fouls. Here's an article, in true Plachke style, that I could write:
"The Lakers point guard lacking brand of heathen sinball is a travesty to the cosmos and they will be destroyed by the visible point guards in the National Basketball Association.
'We play big down low.' CHORTLED Andrew Bynum, as he chowed down on indeterminate innards. This brand of having shit for point guards has been tried before, with disastrously satanic results that make baby jesus sob in the fetal position. HEED! HEED!"
In other words, anyone could do his job. Even most monkeys.
For now, it's enough that he can shut down the Suns, no matter how many times they score 250 points against some other rubes.
Once again, the carnival stops here.
Stop the presses. The defending champions are better than a team that missed the playoffs last year. AGHAST'D
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I agree with Bill. That is a pretty drastic pay cut for a guy who deserves better. If you refuse to click the link, I am referring to 87-year-old Dodger scout George Genovese. The Dodgers are cutting his annual part-time salary from $18,000 to $8,000, which seems steep considering all the details of the owner's divorce proceedings. (Plaschke thinks this)
Now, if you will consult your bibles, you will see that Plaschke has a soft spot for scouts and, most likely, a soft spot on his head. You know he's crying heavy tears when typing yet another fluffy scribe.
So why does Genovese deserve $18,000? Let's let him tell his story:
"I don't know who listens to me anymore," he said. "I'm not sure anybody does."
Hmmm, let's do a 180 here. I actually think you should be fired.
Genovese doesn't use a computer, and fears his handwritten notes are being ignored, as several of his prospects have been drafted by other clubs.
He also doesn't use a stopwatch or the newfangled equipment of younger scouts, and fears his old-fashioned approach is being used against him.
Here's an example of a handwritten note from Genovese:
"I don't like that Kemp fellah because I don't think he's allowed to play in the majors, yet."
(low blow indeed)
For the life of me, I do not understand why this is an acceptable excuse. There are tools to make your job and your coworkers' jobs much easier. If you choose not to use them, I have no sympathy for you. If you can't use them, you're 87 years old. You should be happy they care even this much.
"I know this is a different era, but baseball is baseball, isn't it?" said Genovese, who has yet to sign a Dodger who has made it to the major leagues, but has tipped other scouts on hundreds of local players he knows better than anyone.
Some will argue that the Dodgers are being charitable by continuing to employ an 87-year-old man. But like Evans said, scouting is different. Age is an asset. Experience is irreplaceable.
Key here: "has yet to sign a Dodger who has made it to the major leagues"
I AM arguing that the Dodgers are being charitable by continuing to employ an 87-year-old man. I like how Plaschke doesn't name a single player in the article. Wouldn't want to indict this fossil with something 100% relevant like a performance evaluation, would ya Plaschke?
Again, in Bill Plaschke's world, age = infallibility, experience = infinite employment, modern tools = the devil's workshop.
For the record, when Plaschke writes an article, he uses the original moving type printing press.
Logan White, the Dodgers' assistant general manager in charge of scouting, said, "I try to use George the best I can, but I know everybody always wants to be used more."
White did not deny the pay cut, saying only, "I can't go into details about it, but I'm taking a different path here and making changes in the whole staff. I can tell you it has nothing to do with the divorce or with finances. We're just trying to improve our local feel."
But what can feel more local than a North Hollywood guy whose name is attached to scouting's highest honor, the Professional Baseball Scouts Foundation's George Genovese Lifetime Achievement Award?
Way to go! That last part is worth noting! Way to wait until near the end of your article to point it out!
Genovese hasn't always sucked at scouting. This is a pretty decent list of serviceable to AS caliber players. One thing to notice: jack squat for the Dodgers. Logan White tried to put it nicely, but he basically meant: "What will it take to get this old man to go home?"
"I'm here if they need me," he said. "I'm always here if they need me."
....eh, I wouldn't throw the word "always" around too much at your age.
Until then, he will drive around town in search of a game, ignored but unbowed, his biggest crime being that he is not a fancy swimming pool or a Four Seasons hotel room.
"I'm just a baseball guy," said George Genovese, scouting superhero, the Eight Thousand Dollar Man.
Scouting Superhero? Most superheroes can use a computer. They're called supercomputers. *rimshot*
Anyway, I get what Plaschke is saying. The McCourt's suck, so why should they take it out on this walking bag of flesh? I'm just paraphrasing there. But, the point remains, be nice to old people because they become ghosts.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
What's worse than reading too much into MLB pitcher wins? Probably reading more into NFL QB wins. Dave Krieg has more wins than Steve Young. Better QB then, right? Also, Roman Gabriel has more wins than Roger Staubach, Kerry Collins has more wins than Joe Theismann, and Craig Morton has more wins than Y.A. Tittle.
If you put Aaron Rodgers on the Vikings, his teammates would all kill themselves because Aaron Rodgers is quite possibly the world's worst leader of all time.
He is about to become football's A-Rod, PARDON THE GODDAM PUN.
Update: What is with articles like this? Favre won the Super Bowl in the 1996-97 season. 1996!
I enjoyed the bully beatdown guy fighting the guy who pitches for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. I'm surprised the manager for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, Joe Maddon, would allow James Shields to fight in the Mixed Martial Arts. But James Shields was very good at fighting as boringly as humanly possible. Mmmmmmmm, let's get on the floor and pop friction boners for twenty minutes. Mmmmmmmmmmm. Maybe I do not appreciate the artistry of greco-prussian nipple grapple choke-wrastlin', or maybe I do and I just don't know how to quit you.
Then Arvydas Sabonis' nephew fought Mister T's grandson. Let me tell you what.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Mets: Beltran, Johan, Sheffield - 2 great players, one sucktacular signing - $51 M/Year
Cubs: Soriano, Zambrano, A-Ram - Zambrano is mentally damaged, not mentioned = Ted Lilly ($12M), Fukudome ($11M) - $51M/Year
Red Sox: JD Drew, Ortiz, Lowell - Not bad, except for Drew - $39M/ Year
Tigers: Magglio, Cabrera, Bonderman - This is horrible. $18 million benching? Dontrelle Willis $10M - $44M/ Year
Angels - Vlad, Matthews Jr., Hunter - Good spending team. Matthews had a .670 OPS this year but overall not bad. - $43/ Year
Mariners - Beltre, Ichiro, Silva - *Puke*, this is disgusting. - $43/ Year
I hope my Facebook friends read this.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
You hear me, Kate? I'm going to do something right. Take notes. Face.
The Phillies are throwing out Fat Joe Blanton. That was cute last year when they were playing the Tampa Bay Where the Hell are We's in the World Series. Blanton is 0-3 with a 8.18 ERA in four starts against the Yankees. Alex Rodriguez has two homers in seven ABs against him. He needs one more homer to set the Yankees single postseason mark with seven.
See that. Right there on the field, Kate? LOOK AT THE FIELD, KATE. That is success. That's the closest you will ever come to it.
My pick: Yankees 10, Phillies 5 and the series will go Yankees in six. That way we finally get to see Nick Swisher even drunker than he is on the field.
Kate, I think a failure like Nick Swisher is more your style. He sports a nifty .175/.316/.286 in 77 career postseason plate appearances. You two lovebirds should make the beast with two backs. Conceive a baby with failure for blood.
Or hell, go after Joe Blanton. Athletes are dumb. Face.
So it doesn't count.
The only A-Rod homers that count are the ones that give the Yankees a winning margin. It's currently eight to four, Yankees. If you subtract two from eight, you get six, STILL LARGER THAN FOUR, HARPY QUEEN.
To top it all off "You, Me, Dupree, and all of Al Qaeda" hit the cable rounds this week. Another round of trash from your meaningless career. Two good movies in your lifetime: "Almost Famous" and "About Adam". According to RT, that's 2-for-16. That's a .125 average. No wonder A-Rod is all up in your pants. Even he has a .294 career average in postseason play. Guess he figures hanging out with an abject failure will make him look good in comparison. I say it's fool's gold, a phrase used as the title for your worst film, Miss Hudson.
Why isn't Kate Hudson subject to the same disdain as Paris Hilton? Hilton got sweet coin from her parents because they were hotel moguls. Well, Kate Hudson was bequeathed an entire career because her mother is Goldie Hawn, who BTW won an Oscar at 25 and was nominated for another at 36. Your stupid ass was just double nominated for two razzies. DOUBLE NOMINATED. And yet she continues to get work on name alone.
So the next time you feel the need to get some face time during MY World Series, think again hagatha christie. I do not care if you break up with A-Rod and Matt Stairs swoops in for leftovers. Baseball nerds are watching you, and we don't find you remotely attractive unless you are doing math.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Speaking of clutch, congratulations to Andre Ethier for winning Pepsi's Everyone's a Dipshit Clutchity Clutch award.
Wanna see something funny? Okay. Here's Andre Ethier's numbers this year for innings 7-9:
.260/.371/.418, 5HRs, 32 RBIs, 21 runs in 210 plate appearances.
Here's Matt Kemp's:
.349/.406/.579, 9HRs, 37 RBIs, 31 runs in 217 plate appearances.
Proving once and for all that Pepsi is a racist corporation.
(I know Ethier had better numbers in extra innings. You don't have to tell me. Keep getting boners over 24 plate appearances, racist pepsi.)
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Why did I capitalize game one?
I didn't watch the game. It was on at the bar, but when Cliff Lee is dealing, it's a foregone conclusion. Did he really need to throw 122 pitches, though? I know he's good for it, but 106 through eight with a 6-0 lead seems like a night's work. I should never question Charlie Manuel because he coaches with "his gut." Cannot question a man's gut. It's full of gutsy gut grit.
Anyway, what he did was stupid.
(Guts can't be stupid.) They can just be full of blackish gut juice and pepsin. Charlie was like: "Hey gut, what should I done? Leave him out there or send in Brett Myers for giggles? I know, I'll leave him out there. Say gut, do you like gumbo?"
His gut is full of gumbo.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Experiencing UC Symptoms? Learn More About It Here & Take The Quiz.
Colitis is one of a group of conditions which are inflammatory and auto-immune, affecting the tissue that lines the gastrointestinal system (the large and small intestine). It is classed as an inflammatory bowel disease (IBD), not to be confused with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).
The headline of www.livingwithuc.com is
"If you are living with ulcerative colitis, you are not alone"
Obvious connection really, if you dig a little deeper.
Uncover The Truth
Uncover the truth? Learn to jump and meet aliens in other dimensions? You mean I could actually, say, Leap, Quantumly speaking? Into other dimensions? Holy crap, I have to check that out.
Burt Goldman Presents
The inter-dimensional quest for a better you
Holy crap, so not only am I Quantum Leaping.. err, jumping, into other dimensions, I'm also improving myself? Helping myself? Self helping myself? What a service! This man, Burt Goldman is truly a saint. He's helping me meet aliens and (and women too, I'm sure, with all this cool as ice quantum jumping talk, women are sure to be crawling all over me)
For only $97 you can own a 6 CD set detailing how to take charge of your life, learn to walk without a cane, become young again, do the age reversing alpha exercises, quantum leap (err, jump) inter dimensions, send testimonials to Burt, learn to paint, learn to sing, learn to fuck again! (like you were ever any good at it before you landed on QuantamJumping
This product will truly change your life! And Good ole Burt even talked his miserly publisher into selling it to you for less! Not $397, not $297, not even $197! (and do you think the use of the numerological fav #7 was an accident? This is a sign that Burt is a true mystic powerhouse.
Just an example of all the fun you can have with google ads. And somedays, like today, you may land on something that changes your life.
Now I have to go, I'm giving Burt my bank account numbers on the other line.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The prospect of Nick Swisher giving a post game interview, as the champagne kills the very few brain cells he has left, telling me it took one game at a time. That's right, at any point in time you are, by rule, forced to play one game. There are no split squads in the playoffs. Your statement is resounding in its truth. I do hope a bus hits your bus on the way out, though.
Camera pans to Kate Hudson! Is there a more useless person than Kate Hudson? It's pretty much "Almost Famous" and a bucket of poison. Now she's going out with Alex Luthor. (Like that, I've worked on it all month. I decided to go with it even though Alex Luthor was Lex Luthor's son in comic book lore. No worries, only queers read comic books. No offense. To the literates.)
Joe Buck trying to impress us. He is really trying to impress us with his voice, knowledge and ability to relate what is happening on the field to something not immediately happening on the field. He brings ear atrophy. Not to be outdone by Tim McCarver, who is literally a mummy. I hate them both like Bubonic plague aids.
Predictions: Yankees in six. Pedro sucking and big deals being made. Bullpens sucking. A Kidrock performance.
Friday, October 23, 2009
On the field, little really has to change.
The infield seems set, from Russell Martin to James Loney to Rafael Furcal to Casey Blake, with a possible platoon of Ronnie Belliard and Blake DeWitt playing second
Russell Martin qualified for the second lowest slugging percentage (.329) among catchers in 2009, besting only Jason Kendall (.305).
James Loney hit 13 homers. He is a first baseman. His OPS (.756) was lower than Ryan Garko's (.765). He hit one home run and slugged .316 at home.
Rafael Furcal turns 32 tomorrow. Want him to lead off? He had an OBP of .335 and stole 12 bases while getting caught six times.
Casey Blake is 36. Casey Blake lost 50 points of OPS in the second half. Casey Blake had a 97:39 K:BB against righties last year. He oddly alternates between good and bad seasons since 2003.
Blake Dewitt shouldn't be mentioned. Ronnie Belliard would be a serviceable utility guy. NOT A DAMN SECOND BASEMAN.
"The infield seems set." DOES IT? You just suggested an infield that hit 54 homers for the Dodgers last year. Total. Fifty-four.
The teams who lead their respective leagues in homers hit: New York Yankees, Philadelphia Phillies
I'm convinced of this. Bill Plaschke keeps a scorecard at baseball games. The second someone gets an extra base hit, he takes out his sharpie and writes "FUNDAMENTALS" in big letters on the scorecard and sits with his hands crossed for the rest of the game.
Hitting is part of the game, farthead.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
I dare you to read that hunk o'shit.
Don't want to? Here are the last two lines:
"The little things. The fighting things.
The destiny things."
It was Game Two of the NLCS. The Dodgers split at home, LOSING HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE. HOW IS THAT DESTINY? It's their destiny to lose the series?
Bill Plaschke couldn't pass a high school composition class. It's his destiny to vomit on newspaper.
This article. Is Destiny.
And can we shut up about Pedro? The Phillies win if Chase Utley doesn't crap himself. There.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
- Bring in contestant that claims to have unusual psychic powers, or just acts unusual. Level-headedness makes for terrible TV.
- Requirements for selection:
- They must think that they have a better chance than all the previous contestants on the show.
- They must be related to three (3) people just as idiotic.
- Whatever interviews they take prior to participation must offer undeniable proof that they're complete tools.
- Contestant prep:
- Ridiculous attire is the most appropriate. Turbans are optional, as are Crocs, ten gallon hats, and grass skirts (unless the contestant is a woman).
- Treat the contestant to a few drinks before the show. The drinks may be expensive, because the contestant's sobriety will cost the show much more.
- Introduce the contestant. Ask them a few questions that only serve to further their appearance of a half-wit before opening random cases.
- Open the first six cases
- As the host, make irrelevant, wayward connections to each number.
- Case number 4? Why, that's the number of children our last contestant had!
- Case number 10? That's the number of toes on your feet, isn't it?
- Case number 16? Did you know that 16 is the atomic weight of the oxygen we're breathing RIGHT NOW?!?!
- Upon the contestant picking the number, call the case girl by a girly name (preferably her own), but if you can't remember her name, any girly name.
- Case number 4? (Aw man, I'm drawing a blank.) CASSSSSSANDRA!
- Case number 10? (Crap. Not Again!) NATAAAAALIA!
- Case number 16? (Wait, do I know this?) AGNES? (Naw, that's not right...)
- Call for a commercial break between the 2nd and 3rd cases. Why not?
- Pretend to talk to the banker for a minute or so, and then say the first insult that comes to your tongue, preceded by "The Banker just said...". Then announce the amount of money (which is the only thing the banker actually told you anyways) with conviction and drastic emphasis. Try not to laugh at their disappointment.
- Proceed through the rounds, and the contestant's stupidity should take care of the rest. Once the decisions involve more money (because the 30k the "banker" offered the first time was just a drop in the bucket), bring out the contestant's tool bag of a family. Bribe them each with $50 to say "NO DEAL!" to every deal and any deal. They're probably too stupid to realize that 50 < 1,000,000, which is exactly why they're on this show in the first place.
- Sentimental time! 750k in one box, a dollar in the second, and a penny in the third. Let's offer 600,000 dollars, just to spice it up. By all logical standards, this deal is a no-brainer, so let's bring in senile grandpa to keep this round alive!
- Have the handyman on set wheel in the television set, on which there is a live feed from Grandpa's hospital room. It's so sad how little he knows!
- The nurse in his room (who is actually a suitcase girl with absolutely no background in the medical field) shakes Grandpa alive. It's a gosh darn shame Grandpa's mind is back in the 50s!
- "Should I take the money, Grandpa?"
- "NO DEAL!" Grandpa says with perfect coherence before passing out in his bed. He's been rehearsing that line all week, and you'd be a jerk not to accept his ill-conceived advice.
- "NO DEAL HOWIE!!!"
- Oooooh... Grandpa was wrong. Agnes opens case 16, which is appropriately valued at 750,000. It's OK though. No amount of money could ever serve to justify the breaking of Grandpa's heart.
- Now we're left with just a dollar and a penny, but we're very generous here at Deal or No Deal, so the offer stands at $5. At least you can pay for the gas you spend getting home. Wait, "NO DEAL" you say? And now it's only just that your lucky case that you've held through this tragic experience holds the dollar --not the penny-- and you've walked out a winner after all! It's been just another round of DEAL...................................
- or No Deal!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The Wall Street Journal: Is it true that you offered to give back some of your salary to save jobs at Sports Illustrated?
Mr. King: It's something I did but I really don't want to talk about it. But I will say this: I make a ridiculous amount of money. I'm not saying I'm not worth it. But I make a stupid amount of money. Sometimes it seems a little absurd considering what's happening in our business.
Allow me to say you aren't worth it.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Packers 54, Rams Shit Number
Something like a nine or something. One of those "ZOMG TEH RED ZONE WHAT DO WE DO" numbers.
Texans 35, Jaguars 4
The ole two safety stinkbarn.
Vikings > Niners
Really folks. The Niners are shitty. Teams with good defenses will make them squirm.
Pats > Falcons
Tom Brady is insufferable. Don't take pictures of him or he'll kill your kids.
Bears > Seahawks
Seahawks, NFL's most boring team? I vote yes. Cleveland and St. Louis in the running. Throw Washington in there and KC and Oakland and Denver and Jacksonville and Miami and Tampa Bay and San Francisco and Carolina and Detroit and Chicago also.
Ravens > Browns
The downfall of Brady Quinn is beauty in inevitability.
Eagles > Chiefs
The downfall of Matt Cassell is invitabilitiy in booty.
Giants > bucs
football game, a team wins
Steelers > Bengals, Skins > Lions, Chargers > Doplhintsnn, Saints >, Titans > Oilers, Jets > Cardinles ,,,,,, Coltgs > Jews
Week Three looks like crap.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Don't be scared by the $20 entry fee, just win the league. It's that simple, duh.
Email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org for league ID and password. Egads!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
WHAT! YOU CAN'T FEED YOUR CAT THAT FOOD. CATS DESCENDED FROM DESERT CATS. THEY DO NOT EAT DRY FOOD. YOU ARE A MONSTER. THIS IS WHY ANIMALS DESERVE THEIR OWN RIGHTS SO THEY CAN BE FREED FROM MONSTERS SUCH AS YOURSELF AND CESAR MILLAN.
This is the day I had.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Over the past several months, trivial issues such as unemployment, public healthcare, and government spending have saturated the modern media with pointless questions, none of which will ever be answered until Obama addresses the most heavy-pressing issue of them all: Box Top inflation.
I strolled through the cereal isle just the other day, clipboard in hand, when I saw the most abhorrent injustice this nation has ever upheld. Two Box Tops on one box of Cocoa Puffs. Really, Barack? Are the cereal giants of America going to get away with this infraction of the Constitution? Some of the greatest minds of post-Colonial America drafted those hallowed papers in hope for a future America free from the shackles of Frosted Flakes or Wheat Thins!
Box Tops were propelled into the U.S. economy in the Clinton era, beginning as a harmless, innocent way to promote the well-being of students and their schools. Box Tops immediately incited obesity in children across the nation, as contests were stimulated in learning environments to raise money for schools, and the typical 5th grader would consume 3 to 4 boxes of cereal over a two-hour span on average. The winning class of the given school would possibly enjoy an ice cream party, only serving to fatten the innocent children more so.
Box Tops are also the primary causes of sudden infant death syndrome, liver cancer, and the common cold. And yes, there is absolutely no cure for the common cold.
I assumed the group of cereal boxes was something of a fluke or a mistake, so I moved on, and proceeded to evaluate the frozen yogurt section. My supermarket pastime was unanticipatedly interrupted when I spotted a box of Toaster Strudel with yet another two box tops. Last I checked, most boxes only have one top, don't they? DON'T THEY?!
So what does this mean for our already-crumbling America? This may turn into a double-take of Canada's Box Top Reform, initiated by their emperor (or whatever they have in Canada) in 1985, during an 18 month recession, as the Box Tops were tearing apart the foundation of their economy. That's why their dollar is worth more than ours, I think. The only difference between now and then is that our economy is already in jeopardy, and the unsupervised doubling of box tops is sure to bring this nation's salubrity to an end.
How to prevent this? Eat more Box Tops. Not cereal. Box Tops. It's the only way. So long as all of the Box Tops in Anglo-America are consumed and digested, this beautiful nation will never see its end. Once you're done with the Box Top, give the cereal/frozen pastry/brownie mix to a homeless guy. He needs it more than you do, plus I hear it hurts to eat with liver cancer, which you now have from consuming box tops. We still admire your sacrifice for this country, though.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Round Pick Player Position
1. (8) Larry Fitzgerald WR
2. (33) Brett Favre QB
3. (48) Minnesota DEF
4. (73) Visanthe Shiancoe TE
5. (88) Percy Harvin WR
6. (113) Chester Taylor RB
7. (128) Sidney Rice WR
8. (153) Ryan Longwell K
9. (168) Adrian Peterson RB
10. (193) Sage Rosenfels QB
11. (208) Tarvaris Jackson QB
12. (233) Jaymar Johnson WR
13. (248) Darius Reynaud WR
14. (273) Jim Kleinsasser TE
15. (288) John David Booty QB
Monday, September 7, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
New England Patriots: Tom Brady is not going to get hurt, people. Yet. Stay tuned for details.
Buffalo Bills: The TO Show went 1-15
Miami Dolphins: Resigned David Boston to a ten dayer. Just kidding. Twitter and the Tuna will MURDER YOUR FAMILY.
New York Jets: Leon
Houston Texans: Stop getting your hopes up. The masters of the 8-8
Tennessee Titans: I've got nothing.
Indianapolis Colts: No more Shooty Harrison, like he wasn't riding out into the sunset anyway? (Guns blazing)
Jacksonville Jaguars: The addition of Torry Holt's disgusting fingers will suffice. Suffice for what? I don't know, go away.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Big Ben hates pockets and the ladies?
Cleveland Browns: Mangenius? More like Mangiardia.
Cincinnati Bengals: Marvin Lewis. First to get fired, first in your hearts.
Baltimore Ravens: "Unibrower Power: Flac & co. get it done" -Baltimore Sun
Denver Broncos: Suck
Oakland Raiders: Sucker
Kansas City Chiefs: The logical progression would be suckiest but they are probably better than the last two teams mentioned.
San Diego Chargers: Norv Turner's skin flakes make great furniture. (what?)
Dallas Cowboys: "Romo Smitten? Love affair with Witten" -Baltimore Sun
Washington Redskins: I smell seven victories and sour cheddar flavoring
New York Giants: Whatever
Philadelphia Eagles: Vick and dogs and Vick and dogs and Vick and dogs
Atlanta Falcons: Ryan and cats and Ryan and cat and Ryan and cats (conspiracy)
Carolina Panthers: Hillbilly interception, call elias
Saints: who cares?
Bucs: Sorry, NOW WHOCARES?
Packers: Fuck 'em
Bears: Diabetus never won anything
Vikigns: FAVRE SIX TO MIDNIGHT From Peter King
Lions: stafford fat cheeks
Rams: sleeper, comatose
Seahawks: the most boring thing ever
49ers: this division, I mean my god
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
P.S. I'm stupid and don't know how to make a video appear above. So a link must suffice.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
I want the contributors and....readers....to join my fantasy football league. There are 19 spots available (I must have a spot becuase I am king). It is a live draft league with standard scoring (want 2 points for a successful lateral, go somewhere else). The draft is 8:45 PM on September 10th. If you can't make it, DON'T JOIN. Just kidding. Make sure you set your preranks and go drop dead at whichever "thing" you have to attend.
-That's September 10th at 8:45 PM
-No bullshit settings
-One team per person (I know I can't enforce this, but so help me God I'll destroy the league if I sense spidershit goings on)
-If you're too much of a bigshot to be active, then gain 100 pounds and get on disability
-League ID#: 833928
Or don't join and see if the baby gets it.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
He was on the Madden Cover, so don't draft him no matter how far he falls.
2. Andre Johnson
ESPN said that he could get hurt. Cross him off all your lists now.
3. Calvin Johnson
He's the sexy pick for #1 WR this year, but I don't buy it. He has some nice physical features, but he's no Tom Brady. Don't consider him either.
4. Randy Moss
Despite popular belief, he did have Tom Brady for part of last year. Don't draft him, because he could end up not having Tom Brady at all this year. Gay joke? You decide.
5. Steve Smith, Panthers
I bet you think I'm going to say that you shouldn't draft him. You're right.
6. Reggie Wayne
You can draft him, but I wouldn't.
7. Greg Jennings
He probably feels like Brett Favre betrayed the Packers, but I don't think that matters.
8. Roddy White
Have you noticed how this is lazier than anything I've ever written?
9. Terrell Owens
Do you think he's banging those two chicks on his TV show? Yes, I'll admit it, I have watched parts of his show.
10. Anquan Boldin
You didn't hear it from me, but he could finish with more fantasy points than Larry Fitzgerald. I'm not saying he will, but it's possible, kinda.
11. TJ Houshsmasomething
I have him higher on this list than on my real list because I want to mess your teams up.
12. Wes Welker
Draft him here if you have a Pats fan in your league. They would trade both of their nuts for him. Don't accept this trade, because nuts don't have much value, but it's a good start.
13. Roy Williams
He was bad with the Cowboys last year, but that's only because TO was always bullying him. I heard he ran home from practice crying one day because TO gave him a wedgie. He saw a therapist all summer, and it sounds like he's recovering well.
14. Dwayne Bowe
I'm not sure what the Chiefs are trying to prove by not putting Bowe as the starter on the depth chart. I'm pretty sure he's the only healthy WR in Missouri.
15. Marques Colston
I'm too lazy to think of anything.
16. Brandon Marshall
He hasn't learned the playbook, he wants to be traded, and he's got nagging injuries. Don't worry about any of those, because it's just fantasy football.
17. Eddie Royal
You'd have to be an idiot to put Marshall above Royal.
18. Chad Ochocinco
Did you see him kick that extra point?
19. Braylon Edwards
I really wasn't prepared for this list. Laziness.
20. Vincent Jackson
Saturday, August 22, 2009
I love it when the kids wear eye black. It serves as a makeshift tear test to show you just how much they've cried. When Chula Vista lead 14-0, one of the Kentucky kids had eye black draining down his chin. Hey champ, embrace the mercy of the ten run rule and maybe be older and take bull semen like the Chula Vista team. (Kinda throwing around accusations here......but they were totally on something, especially the one kid named Luke "extra hormones in the milk" Martinez)
Then one player, and I won't name him (cause I forgot), listed his favorite athlete as Tim Tebow. No, no, it happened. I know! He was also tweaky and didn't have his uniform fully buttoned. Kids and old people are the punchlines of the human race.
Now allow me to type more right things. You ever notice how the teams closest in proximity to cheap steroids and questionably aging youngsters seem to win? If not, take note of that in the future.
Also, take this note: "Don't watch LLWS around people who like it while drunk at a bar. Who in the hell are these losers? Is this shit the new World Series of Poker? God, don't get me started on that. I mean, poker? I know there's probably skill in the decision making than most pessimists lead you to believe, but IT'S A G.D. CARD GAME ON TELEVISION. WHAT CHANGES FROM YEAR TO YEAR? Bring back the XFL, I say. Or televise minor league baseball. If you know someone who watches card games on TV, they are a fat person. Oh look...look! That one guy had a flush. Here's a flush *flushes bidet with figurative turd in it* What's next? Piano recitals. Piano recitals are next."
But the more and more I bash little league baseball, the more dirty looks I get. What is the difference?
We're talking about sports being played poorly due to physical liabilities. One due to the physical weakness of women, the other due to subpar coordination during child development.
And why do my co-workers like watching children cry? I almost want to call protective services. They may be playing out a little league conquest at the dinner table, complete with irreparable psychological damage due to the outcome of a meaningless baseball game. Remember who won the 1986 World Series? Of course you do. Remember who won the 2008 Little League World Series? If you do, stop reading.
Here's the part of the post where you're thinking "He must've had a bad experience with Little League and he's just bitter." Well, yes and no. I hated Little League, but I knew I would hate it going in. It was pretty much a "let's get this over with" hate and not a "how many epithets can my dad shout at the other team while they bat and where is his shirt" hate. Hey kids, losing this game you play so poorly makes all the difference in the way your parents view you. Oh, national television too. Now go out there and shit your pants.
So when someone bashes the WNBA, while extolling the virtues of little league baseball in the same breath, see if you can get them fired for having snuff films on their hard drive.
The Less You Know *asteroid*
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
I will start with Michael Vick. Guys, dog fighting is wrong, but he has done his time, and he should be allowed to get a job in the NFL. When football players like Michael Vick pay their dues, they have earned the right to rejoin the league, even though in this case fighting dogs is immoral. That's a given. And really, justice was served and Vick's punishment was levied. Don't dog fight. Jobs are to be had. Football players who do illegal things can rejoin society, as well as rejuvenate their playing careers. Making dead dogs is not right, nor is it morally kosher. But if you do make dead dogs, be a good athlete, and you'll get your comeuppance against the man. Don't get me wrong, but do get dogfighting wrong, because it is. WRONG. Then again, daddy needs to eat, and dog meat just doesn't fill daddy's filet mignon stomach. To eat, daddy needs to get out of prison and get that paper. Dogs are helpless creatures who could kill you if you drop your hat, thus completing the phrase "drop of a hat." Fighting them is not cool, but try to do it discreetly enough that you can keep your job. Pay off your debt to society and remember that canine murder is impolite, putting it lightly.
I will end with Brett Favre. Drop dead, hillbilly.
NO ONES CARES.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Your friends will laugh at you for the rest of the season. You will become angry. Nothing will feel as good as it used to. Food will taste bitter, your body will ache, and sex(more likely masturbation) won't bring you satisfaction. The anger will build for the entire season and you'll keep it all bottled up. Then, when the champion of the league is giving his acceptance speech and he thanks you for being an idiot, you'll snap and murder everyone. The next year, no one else will show up for the draft because they're all dead. You'll be able to get all the sleepers while they get crappy autopick teams.
2. Adrian Peterson, Vikings
If you're impatient, just take this Adrian. I won't be upset, it just shows that you're not a big picture guy like me.
3. Marion Barber
This is a little high of a pick for him. You're friends will question you, but when they do, just yell "Marion the Barbarian!" Your friends will ask you how that helps your argument. Just yell it louder. Block out their logic. The more sense they make, the louder you yell. Yelling is a sign of intelligence.
4. Matt Forte
Make a corny joke about how rushing is his forte, then prepare to be beaten senseless.
5. Chris Johnson
I'm saving the LenDale White is fat joke for LenDale White. I can't think of much to say about CJ, so I'll just say that I'm excited to see Vince Young in action this year.
6. Michael Turner
Avoid him completely. The curse of 370 has been placed on his soul. It doesn't affect Peterson because he only had 363 carries last year. It doesn't matter how close you are unless you hit 370. There's literally a part of your leg that breaks down at exactly 370 carries. Scientists proved it.
7. Maurice Jones-Drew
It remains to be seen if he can handle a full workload. Is that why I have him this low on the list? No, I couldn't tell you why he's this low on the list. I guess I just felt like it, okay?
8. Steven Jackson
He's one of the most talented backs in the league, but he's got Marc Bulger on his team. Maybe they should ask Kurt if he would please consider coming back.
9. LaDainian Tomlinson
It was depressing to watch a back that used to be a fantasy stud collapse like he did last year. He should retire now so he doesn't embarrass himself with another 1,100 yard, 11 TD season. But seriously, he's on his way down.
10. DeAngelo Williams
No one expected him to put up the numbers he did last year. No one expects him to put those numbers up again this year. Could we see back to back monster seasons by Williams? Probably not, but I bet I got your hopes up.
11. Frank Gore
Watch out, he's a huge injury risk. I'm not judging this by his history, it's just that anyone who gets tackled 200-300 times a year is a huge injury risk.
12. Brandon Jacobs
I'm not a Giants fan, but watching Jacobs abuse defenders last year was pretty awesome. Mostly because I had loved Jacobs and drafted him in most leagues. With that awesome line, they should have Bradshaw as QB. They could just tell Eli Manning and his huge contract to screw off. Don't tell anyone I said this, but Eli's kind of mediocre.
13. Steve Slaton
I picked Slaton up last year and expected him to do great things. Please comment telling me how smart I was for that. I really need you to feed my ego.
14. Clinton Portis
Did anyone make a joke about a new Clinton being in Washington when the Redskins got him? Because that would have been really awful. His offense is boring, so I won't draft him.
16. Ronnie Brown
It was fun to watch the wildcat confuse the Patriots, but now I'm kind of tired of it.
18. Thomas Jones
I don't believe his numbers last year. I can see them and I know they're real, I just don't believe them.
19. Darren McFadden
I'm almost sure he'll do better than last year. Doing better than last year isn't that impressive, but it's something. The Raiders might give Fargas some of the carries because Al Davis is batshit crazy and no one wants to question him.
20. Joseph Addai
If you didn't watch him play last year and didn't hear the Colts drafted Donald Brown, this will look like a huge steal.
21. Ryan Grant
I have a strange hatred for this guy that I just can't explain.
22. LenDale White
He's not as fat anymore, all the fantasy writers that want to be comedians are now dead inside.
23. Marshawn Lynch
24. Derrick Ward
25. Jonathan Stewart
26. Shaun Alexander(keep the faith)
27. Larry Johnson
28. Knowshon Moreno
29. Ahmad Bradshaw
30. Willie Parker
I'm not helping you anymore. If you need an RB after this point, just draw a name out of a hat. I don't care about you. There, I said it. Now you all know.