Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Story of a Boy Named Lakeb Rhavey

I am not this boy, and for this, I am thankful. This is a story of a boy who is not me. His name is not revealed for privacy reasons, but he is not me. I swear it's not me. Not me.

This boy (please don't mistake him for me) was born to parents who loved him dearly, and nurtured him to genius at an early age. As a very young boy, he showed a capacity to outwit his loving parents. By the age of five, he had developed a keen interest in trickle-down economics and stuffed animals. By six, he was done with stuffed animals. He taught David Abernathy the fundamentals of ball-point pen surgery just a year later, and became the youngest person to land on the moon a year after that. Indeed, Lakeb had it made. In middle school, he had drawn up a theoretically-practical design for a time-machine. As a freshman in high school, he was engaged to Tiger's 4th mistress, but had to settle for number 97 when he found out about her cheating. There were a whole bunch of other crazy things he did in his early life, but I'm too lazy to make them up list them.

Mr. Rhavey turned 15, and instead of searching for universities, he decided to found his own. In order to invite all his friends, he needed a way to reach out to all 50,000 of them. Something like a social networking site. He had in no time accumulated 250,000 friends on Facebook (everyone has more friends on the internet). He grew to know them all as if each was his best friend, until he found a game called Farmville.

Lakeb abandoned all of his fame and fortune (and every bit of his common sense) to play Farmville. He has since dropped out of school, died his hair yellow (the color of hay bales), and joined a cult. He sold the ring he bought for Tiger girl to buy Farmville credits. When he got to a 32 X 32 plot, he could not get up. When he reached 1028 X 1028, he thought about getting out of his chair and pursuing more worthy tasks (you know, like brushing his teeth, or changing his diaper), but upon realizing this weakness, he glued his pants to his chair, and glued himself to his pants, so that he could not possibly leave. This ends the story of Lakeb Rhavey.

UNLESS, you have heard the call, and felt the urge to do something. There is still hope. Or at least hope that there is hope. What can be destroyed by the dastardly evils of the internet can also be revived. All it takes is your consideration, and half a second of your time to join the cause. Do it for Lakeb.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009



Sunday, December 6, 2009

Probably the dumbest thing ever.

Gregg Easterbrook

If (Vince) Young keeps winning, Tebow could rocket up to the top five picks in the 2010 draft. Tim -- send Vince a case of champagne!

Someone....type something for me.

Gregg's dog's name is Dublin. I couldn't imagine talking to this guy for more than two minutes without fainting from rage.

Forty times: 4.48 for Young, 4.68 for Tebow...but we knew that. We knew Young was faster.


In his last year, Young threw for 3036 yards with a 65.2% completion percentage and ran for 1050 yards on 155 carries. Tebow is in an offense that is designed for him to carry the ball, and thus far he has carried it 203 times for 859 yards. PEDESTRIAN. He is about as accurate as Young.

Find me a mock draft with Tim Tebow in the top five. GO!

Tim Tebow Crying

There is no doubting the fate of humankind now. We are screwed.

The athletic wise men hath proclaimed him the sole hope for our lost souls. What are we to do when he is reduced to tears? I feel like seeing if I can fly. It's my only recourse.

He looked so downtrodden. So....defeated.

We are also crying, Timothy. We are also crying.

-Bill Plaschke

Thursday, November 26, 2009



November 13th, 2009

Lakers are able to slow and eventually smother the team that thrill-seeking fans hoped would be their biggest Western rival.

The NBA's traveling carnival came to town Thursday, tilt-a-whirl breaks and cotton candy shots everywhere.

-Carnival = The highest scoring team at 111.4 PPG and the second best passing team with 24.3 APG.
-Cotton candy shots = 50.1% on FG, 44.8% from three, leading the league in both.

The currently 13-3 Phoenix Suns. Such an embarrassment to the league.

It rolled in here after owning Boston, owning Miami, owning Philadelphia, turning the early season into its own Disneyland.

"This is a fun team," chortled the Phoenix Suns Leandro Barbosa early Thursday evening at Staples Center. "We play fun basketball."

Then the diamond-studded locals wandered in, wise to the midway and wary of the rides and unimpressed with the barking.

Three hours later, the NBA's traveling carnival had been reduced to a collection of creaky metal and cracked mirrors in a church parking lot.

Bunch of losers, beating the Celtics in Boston? Meh, says I. They have a roster full of chortling buffoons who do not know how to set a good screen or foul based on race, two ingrained fundamentals on which James Naismith built this fine game.

The Lakers won a regular season game, before the season is even 1/4 over, 121-102 over the Suns. THIS IS GROUNDBREAKING STUFF. The Suns' whole state of being has been eternally negated.

Even though the Suns started the season 6-1, they cannot win a championship with this system.

I agree with this. The tone he takes is just a bag of dead cats.

That wild and crazy Suns shooting? They missed nine of their first 11 attempts. A team that had previously made a league-best half of its shots wound up shooting just 37%.

Funny how those rainbows aren't so pretty with a hand in your face or Ron Artest in your gut.

Here we are, and they still lead the league.

Plaschke's tone is his way of saying: "This isn't real basketball. Real basketball is basketball that I appreciate. It's basketball that the unclean simply don't understand."

Most NBA fans agree the Suns aren't winning a championship in this manner, basically because they have black holes at the 1,4 and 5 on defense. Hell, it's not like Grant Hill and J-Rich are going to make any all defensive teams either. With the personnel they have, littered with professionals allergic to defense, they push the tempo and maximize the possessions. And they're 13-3, so go suck an egg.

What's Plaschke's alternative?

Interesting how, while having no visible center makes you faster on offense, it can turn you into jelly on defense.

A visible center? Like Shaq? That worked great, missing the playoffs and all. Plus:

PPG 09-10: 111.4
PPG 08-09: 109.4

Opp. PPG 09-10: 105.9
Opp. PPG 08-09: 107.5

This year they are +5.5, last year they were +1.9.

I agree a center would help, as Channing Frye couldn't guard Andrew Bynum with stilts and scimitar arms. But maybe, just maybe, the Suns wanted to put that experiment to sleep, and evaluate the need for a defensive center during the 2010 draft. Meanwhile, Channing Frye leads the team with 41 3pt. makes. That seems to fit their philosophy, a philosophy, by the way, that's resulted in a 13-3 record.

They cannot consistently beat a team with an established big man, and after his sixth game this season, Bynum is looking pretty established.

I don't disagree. HOWEVAH! He's writing this article based on one game. Hey, I can do that!

Take this game: A 101-91 win by the Rockets in the mecca of Plashcke basketball (plaschketball) Los Angeles, California. Aaron Brooks puts up a 33-6-4 with five threes in 40 minutes. Derek Fisher puts up 7-6-5 on 3-13 shooting and five personal fouls. Here's an article, in true Plachke style, that I could write:

"The Lakers point guard lacking brand of heathen sinball is a travesty to the cosmos and they will be destroyed by the visible point guards in the National Basketball Association.

'We play big down low.' CHORTLED Andrew Bynum, as he chowed down on indeterminate innards. This brand of having shit for point guards has been tried before, with disastrously satanic results that make baby jesus sob in the fetal position. HEED! HEED!"

In other words, anyone could do his job. Even most monkeys.

For now, it's enough that he can shut down the Suns, no matter how many times they score 250 points against some other rubes.

Once again, the carnival stops here.

Stop the presses. The defending champions are better than a team that missed the playoffs last year. AGHAST'D

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


I'll preface.

I agree with Bill. That is a pretty drastic pay cut for a guy who deserves better. If you refuse to click the link, I am referring to 87-year-old Dodger scout George Genovese. The Dodgers are cutting his annual part-time salary from $18,000 to $8,000, which seems steep considering all the details of the owner's divorce proceedings. (Plaschke thinks this)

Now, if you will consult your bibles, you will see that Plaschke has a soft spot for scouts and, most likely, a soft spot on his head. You know he's crying heavy tears when typing yet another fluffy scribe.

So why does Genovese deserve $18,000? Let's let him tell his story:

"I don't know who listens to me anymore," he said. "I'm not sure anybody does."


Hmmm, let's do a 180 here. I actually think you should be fired.

Genovese doesn't use a computer, and fears his handwritten notes are being ignored, as several of his prospects have been drafted by other clubs.

He also doesn't use a stopwatch or the newfangled equipment of younger scouts, and fears his old-fashioned approach is being used against him.

Here's an example of a handwritten note from Genovese:

"I don't like that Kemp fellah because I don't think he's allowed to play in the majors, yet."

(low blow indeed)

For the life of me, I do not understand why this is an acceptable excuse. There are tools to make your job and your coworkers' jobs much easier. If you choose not to use them, I have no sympathy for you. If you can't use them, you're 87 years old. You should be happy they care even this much.

"I know this is a different era, but baseball is baseball, isn't it?" said Genovese, who has yet to sign a Dodger who has made it to the major leagues, but has tipped other scouts on hundreds of local players he knows better than anyone.

Some will argue that the Dodgers are being charitable by continuing to employ an 87-year-old man. But like Evans said, scouting is different. Age is an asset. Experience is irreplaceable.

Key here: "has yet to sign a Dodger who has made it to the major leagues"

I AM arguing that the Dodgers are being charitable by continuing to employ an 87-year-old man. I like how Plaschke doesn't name a single player in the article. Wouldn't want to indict this fossil with something 100% relevant like a performance evaluation, would ya Plaschke?

Again, in Bill Plaschke's world, age = infallibility, experience = infinite employment, modern tools = the devil's workshop.

For the record, when Plaschke writes an article, he uses the original moving type printing press.

Logan White, the Dodgers' assistant general manager in charge of scouting, said, "I try to use George the best I can, but I know everybody always wants to be used more."

White did not deny the pay cut, saying only, "I can't go into details about it, but I'm taking a different path here and making changes in the whole staff. I can tell you it has nothing to do with the divorce or with finances. We're just trying to improve our local feel."

But what can feel more local than a North Hollywood guy whose name is attached to scouting's highest honor, the Professional Baseball Scouts Foundation's George Genovese Lifetime Achievement Award?

Way to go! That last part is worth noting! Way to wait until near the end of your article to point it out!

Genovese hasn't always sucked at scouting. This is a pretty decent list of serviceable to AS caliber players. One thing to notice: jack squat for the Dodgers. Logan White tried to put it nicely, but he basically meant: "What will it take to get this old man to go home?"

"I'm here if they need me," he said. "I'm always here if they need me.", I wouldn't throw the word "always" around too much at your age.

Until then, he will drive around town in search of a game, ignored but unbowed, his biggest crime being that he is not a fancy swimming pool or a Four Seasons hotel room.

"I'm just a baseball guy," said George Genovese, scouting superhero, the Eight Thousand Dollar Man.

Scouting Superhero? Most superheroes can use a computer. They're called supercomputers. *rimshot*

Anyway, I get what Plaschke is saying. The McCourt's suck, so why should they take it out on this walking bag of flesh? I'm just paraphrasing there. But, the point remains, be nice to old people because they become ghosts.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Bordering on insanity now

I downloaded Fireshot at work today because we have nothing to do. Today I captured this:

2006 NY Jets (no Favre): 10-6
2008 NY Jets (Favre): 9-7

All Brett Favre supporters. 100% of them. Are dumb.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Mort always making sense

What's worse than reading too much into MLB pitcher wins? Probably reading more into NFL QB wins. Dave Krieg has more wins than Steve Young. Better QB then, right? Also, Roman Gabriel has more wins than Roger Staubach, Kerry Collins has more wins than Joe Theismann, and Craig Morton has more wins than Y.A. Tittle.

If you put Aaron Rodgers on the Vikings, his teammates would all kill themselves because Aaron Rodgers is quite possibly the world's worst leader of all time.

He is about to become football's A-Rod, PARDON THE GODDAM PUN.

Update: What is with articles like this? Favre won the Super Bowl in the 1996-97 season. 1996!

An ignorant MMA post

Boy howdy, that UFC fighting sure was on television last night.

I enjoyed the bully beatdown guy fighting the guy who pitches for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. I'm surprised the manager for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, Joe Maddon, would allow James Shields to fight in the Mixed Martial Arts. But James Shields was very good at fighting as boringly as humanly possible. Mmmmmmmm, let's get on the floor and pop friction boners for twenty minutes. Mmmmmmmmmmm. Maybe I do not appreciate the artistry of greco-prussian nipple grapple choke-wrastlin', or maybe I do and I just don't know how to quit you.

Then Arvydas Sabonis' nephew fought Mister T's grandson. Let me tell you what.

Bully Beatdown

That dude lost

Friday, November 6, 2009

Brett Favre's revenge

This is more like it. !!!

He will add another chapter this year. Get ready, Vikings fans. It's inevitable, and it's coming.

Patriots Dolphins Preview


Thursday, November 5, 2009

Highest Payed Players By Team

Yankees: A-Rod, Jeter, Teixeira - 3 MVP candidates - $71 M/ Year

Mets: Beltran, Johan, Sheffield - 2 great players, one sucktacular signing - $51 M/Year

Cubs: Soriano, Zambrano, A-Ram - Zambrano is mentally damaged, not mentioned = Ted Lilly ($12M), Fukudome ($11M) - $51M/Year

Red Sox: JD Drew, Ortiz, Lowell - Not bad, except for Drew - $39M/ Year

Tigers: Magglio, Cabrera, Bonderman - This is horrible. $18 million benching? Dontrelle Willis $10M - $44M/ Year

Angels - Vlad, Matthews Jr., Hunter - Good spending team. Matthews had a .670 OPS this year but overall not bad. - $43/ Year

Mariners - Beltre, Ichiro, Silva - *Puke*, this is disgusting. - $43/ Year

I hope my Facebook friends read this.

Way to hitch your wagon to a winner K-Hud


Sunday, November 1, 2009

Prediction for Game Four, Kate Hudson continues to suck

Deep down, none of us care. NFL Football has a monopoly on Sunday (sorry God), so everything else takes a back seat, with the few exceptions, like a drinking and/or gambling problem. Nevertheless, I'm going to tell you exactly what happens in this game.

You hear me, Kate? I'm going to do something right. Take notes. Face.

The Phillies are throwing out Fat Joe Blanton. That was cute last year when they were playing the Tampa Bay Where the Hell are We's in the World Series. Blanton is 0-3 with a 8.18 ERA in four starts against the Yankees. Alex Rodriguez has two homers in seven ABs against him. He needs one more homer to set the Yankees single postseason mark with seven.

See that. Right there on the field, Kate? LOOK AT THE FIELD, KATE. That is success. That's the closest you will ever come to it.

My pick: Yankees 10, Phillies 5 and the series will go Yankees in six. That way we finally get to see Nick Swisher even drunker than he is on the field.

Kate, I think a failure like Nick Swisher is more your style. He sports a nifty .175/.316/.286 in 77 career postseason plate appearances. You two lovebirds should make the beast with two backs. Conceive a baby with failure for blood.

Or hell, go after Joe Blanton. Athletes are dumb. Face.

Big Deal, Kate Hudson

So your beau hit a Classic Jack. It was against Cole Hamels, who is clearly a mental midget. Lol. That story still makes me laugh. To this day.

So it doesn't count.

The only A-Rod homers that count are the ones that give the Yankees a winning margin. It's currently eight to four, Yankees. If you subtract two from eight, you get six, STILL LARGER THAN FOUR, HARPY QUEEN.

To top it all off "You, Me, Dupree, and all of Al Qaeda" hit the cable rounds this week. Another round of trash from your meaningless career. Two good movies in your lifetime: "Almost Famous" and "About Adam". According to RT, that's 2-for-16. That's a .125 average. No wonder A-Rod is all up in your pants. Even he has a .294 career average in postseason play. Guess he figures hanging out with an abject failure will make him look good in comparison. I say it's fool's gold, a phrase used as the title for your worst film, Miss Hudson.

Why isn't Kate Hudson subject to the same disdain as Paris Hilton? Hilton got sweet coin from her parents because they were hotel moguls. Well, Kate Hudson was bequeathed an entire career because her mother is Goldie Hawn, who BTW won an Oscar at 25 and was nominated for another at 36. Your stupid ass was just double nominated for two razzies. DOUBLE NOMINATED. And yet she continues to get work on name alone.

So the next time you feel the need to get some face time during MY World Series, think again hagatha christie. I do not care if you break up with A-Rod and Matt Stairs swoops in for leftovers. Baseball nerds are watching you, and we don't find you remotely attractive unless you are doing math.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

5 Things That You've Probably Already Planned To Do This Halloween

1. As a middle-aged man/woman/man-woman, dress up like a boy/girl/boy-girl for Halloween, and go door-to-door collecting candy, regardless of whether or not you have children. Perhaps tag along with an unsuspecting family to minimize absolute awkwardness. Once the parents of the children send their children to the front door of 'House X', this is your cue to go with them, ring the doorbell, and scream trick-or-treat. The kindly old grandmother who answers the door will usually take a while to reminisce about her days as a carefree child.

Grandmother: Why, aren't you adorable! What are you?
Kid #001: I'm CINDERELLA.
Grandmother: Oh, I remember when Cinderella was MY favorite princess!
Kid #001: Well, she's MINE now!
[This is where Kid #001 and Grandma begin to slug each other over who's favorite Cinderella REALLY is. Grandmother usually wins with "experience points".]
Grandmother: Oh, and look at you! What are you, Kid number zero zero two?
Kid #002: I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Tutle!
Grandmother: Mutant Ninja Turtle? Why, I used to love those little fellas!
[After the can of whoop-astronaut Grandma just unleashed on Cinderella, this is quite believable.]
Grandmother: And what are you? A child pretending to be an adult pretending to be a child?
You: Just give me the kandy, you old bat.
Grandmother: You spelled candy wrong, sunny! But I can understand. You're just an innocent child!
You: Have you lost your mind, grams?!? This is dialogue!
[Grandmother has figured you out before you even conceived this idiotic idea, because Grandma just knows. Her grammar correction has only served as a decoy while she sics her 27 cats on you. The state has sued Grandma for one account of both child abuse and murder by cat, but Grandma has pleaded not guilty because "I'm a grandma". Just like a bad video game or those terrible "Choose your own adventure!" stories, "You're dead. Try again."]

2. If for whatever reason you have unearthly stamina powers, ding-dong-ditch every house in your neighborhood twice before the trick-and-treaters start taking candy from people. If my research has taught me anything, it's that they probably won't answer for the rest of the night, and all the little kids in your neighborhood will hate you. But that's what you wanted anyways, right? The script to this scenario usually ends in a hostile mob of children who corner you in the park and order you take off your pants, just for the heck of it. In attempts to sway the attention of the mob, you shout something like "HEY LOOK OVER THERE! ITS A BIG ORANGE DISTRACTION!" If only you had been able to experience the art of the decoy, as provided by grandma in scenario one,  perhaps you would have been able to point out some candy in the grass, or an entire pillowcase of candy up a tree. Nevertheless, your sorry excuse for a distraction has worked (foolish children), and you're home free for the next 3 seconds. You run to the house nearest by and beg the owners to let you in, but they won't answer, silly goose! Member why? You member.

3. Watch the Oregon and USC game. If you're out trick-but-treating, watch it anyway. I'm personally dressing up as a future robot thing, or at least that's what I'm calling it. It's pretty much an excuse to strap a television to my torso, also known as my "future suit". The television I hope to bring weighs maybe 200 pounds, so if you choose to take this advice, and you wake up the next morning without a back, please don't sue. I should think that watching such a good game would be worth the harmless cramps.

4. Watch a horror movie. This is probably a bad idea, because typically when you watch a horror movie on Halloween, you go through a real-life experience twice as horrible. Or at least that's what happens in all of the horror movies.

If you decide to watch a scene in which a man busts through the front door of the house with a chainsaw, then at that very instant, a man may break through with two chainsaws. He may even break a window once he's inside, just to piss you off.

Perhaps in another scene, the man is under the bed, and swings his baseball bat to hit the bottom of the bed, which scares the main character out of his/her/his-her wits. In your case, you'll be laying on a see-through cot (Not sure why you chose to sleep there in the first place, but people do really stupid things in these movies). Then the creeper under your bed hits you the same way, only with his new-found mace club, and without an actual "bottom" between him and you.

Or maybe you watch the Oregon and USC game, and USC wins. Lucky for you, there is nothing in this world that would be twice as horrible.

5. Lately, I've been practicing my candy hand-outing skills so that I don't embarrass myself in front of the children, and it was during my training that I came to a Halloween realization. There is no risk in trick-yet-treating. Either nobody answers your doorbell ring, or you get candy. I mean, maybe there's an occasional razor blade in your tootsie pop, or some polyurethane  mixed into your Laffy Taffy (although the jokes on the wrapper cause more damage than the actual tainted candy), buy those stories are few and far between. This is my proposition. Dress up as anything (if my television idea doesn't work, I'll probably wear a paper bag over my head). You will stay home, and wait by the front door. When the kids show up, you open the door and scream TRICK-OR-TREAT! The kids will be mildly confused, so just take some candy from each of their baskets, and explain to them how they've just landed on the whammy house. At the whammy house, you actually lose candy, so that trick-or-treating is more of a game of chance. You're actually doing the children a favor, because they might not learn the value of risk until it's too late. Happy Halloween, suckers.

Friday, October 30, 2009


Where you at, sloozy? Your boy done gone another 0-4 with 3 Ks. Did you floozy the clutch out of him, you haggy bag of bones?

Speaking of clutch, congratulations to Andre Ethier for winning Pepsi's Everyone's a Dipshit Clutchity Clutch award.

Wanna see something funny? Okay. Here's Andre Ethier's numbers this year for innings 7-9:

.260/.371/.418, 5HRs, 32 RBIs, 21 runs in 210 plate appearances.

Here's Matt Kemp's:

.349/.406/.579, 9HRs, 37 RBIs, 31 runs in 217 plate appearances.

Proving once and for all that Pepsi is a racist corporation.

(I know Ethier had better numbers in extra innings. You don't have to tell me. Keep getting boners over 24 plate appearances, racist pepsi.)

McDonalds Cuts and Runs In Battle For Obesity in Iceland

REYKJAVIK (Yourmother) The battle for population control ceded a front in Iceland this week, as McDonalds corporation of America announced plans to pull up all offensive positions and retreat from the struggling island nation. "In terms of supplying weaponry, economic factors begin to combine with relatively low mortality and obesity rates to force our hand" McDonalds Brigadier General Michael McKerns said yesterday "We force all units to resupply all items in our arsenal from a central armory in Germany... the financial costs became unbearable" "Besides", he continued, "The people of Iceland are generally fit and our presence there was largely an astroturf movement anyway... let's focus our priorities on larger goals" Front line soliders were largely disappointed, "I'll miss slowly poisoning our regulars... I always looked forward to the sounds of arteries slowly clogging." said CSR Specialist Stacey O'Connell. Customers lined up around the block for a last chance at the poison pill. "I've never eaten here but heard I can keep their french fries unfrozen for up to ten years. That way, if the economy here continues to flush down the toilet we can survive off of those." When told of statements like these, Gen. McKerns had little to say, only offering thanks for small victories.

The Real News

Thursday, October 29, 2009


Your boy went 0-4 with 3 Ks in the oh so pivotal Game One. Did you know that 11 of the last 12 Game One winners have gone on to win the World Series? Don't look that up. Corroborating is for losers. 100% of Game Seven winners go on to win the World Series. Suck facts, you.

Why did I capitalize game one?

I didn't watch the game. It was on at the bar, but when Cliff Lee is dealing, it's a foregone conclusion. Did he really need to throw 122 pitches, though? I know he's good for it, but 106 through eight with a 6-0 lead seems like a night's work. I should never question Charlie Manuel because he coaches with "his gut." Cannot question a man's gut. It's full of gutsy gut grit.

Anyway, what he did was stupid.

(Guts can't be stupid.) They can just be full of blackish gut juice and pepsin. Charlie was like: "Hey gut, what should I done? Leave him out there or send in Brett Myers for giggles? I know, I'll leave him out there. Say gut, do you like gumbo?"

His gut is full of gumbo.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


The site isn't letting me embed the video, so you'll have to click on it.

So you're a reporter for WGN in Chicago and you want to get some man on the street interviews
for a UFO story. How can you not go up to the guy who looks like he's coming off of mushrooms?
What a nugget of TV gold. The funniest part to me are the google ads that are associated with 
the video. The #1 match?

Colitis Symptoms
Experiencing UC Symptoms? Learn More About It Here & Take The Quiz.

from wikipedia

Colitis is a chronic digestive disease characterized by inflammation of the colon.

Colitis is one of a group of conditions which are inflammatory and auto-immune, affecting the tissue that lines the gastrointestinal system (the large and small intestine). It is classed as an inflammatory bowel disease (IBD), not to be confused with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).

The headline of is 

"If you are living with ulcerative colitis, you are not alone

Obvious connection really, if you dig a little deeper.

Ad #2? 

Uncover The Truth

Learn to Jump and Meet Aliens in Other Dimensions

Uncover the truth? Learn to jump and meet aliens in other dimensions? You mean I could actually, say, Leap, Quantumly speaking? Into other dimensions? Holy crap, I have to check that out.

Burt Goldman Presents

Quantum Jumping

The inter-dimensional quest for a better you

Holy crap, so not only am I Quantum Leaping.. err, jumping, into other dimensions, I'm also improving myself? Helping myself? Self helping myself? What a service! This man, Burt Goldman is truly a saint. He's helping me meet aliens and (and women too, I'm sure, with all this cool as ice quantum jumping talk, women are sure to be crawling all over me)

For only $97 you can own a 6 CD set detailing how to take charge of your life, learn to walk without a cane, become young again, do the age reversing alpha exercises, quantum leap (err, jump) inter dimensions, send testimonials to Burt, learn to paint, learn to sing, learn to fuck again! (like you were ever any good at it before you landed on QuantamJumping

This product will truly change your life! And Good ole Burt even talked his miserly publisher into selling it to you for less! Not $397, not $297, not even $197! (and do you think the use of the numerological fav #7 was an accident? This is a sign that Burt is a true mystic powerhouse. 

Just an example of all the fun you can have with google ads. And somedays, like today, you may land on something that changes your life. 

Now I have to go, I'm giving Burt my bank account numbers on the other line.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Yankees Phillies Oh boy Part Two

When A-Rod wins the whole thing, all the deceased True Yankees will arise from their graves and hunt him down like zombies and kill him. That is all.

Yankees Phillies Oh boy

I cannot wait for this crap.

The prospect of Nick Swisher giving a post game interview, as the champagne kills the very few brain cells he has left, telling me it took one game at a time. That's right, at any point in time you are, by rule, forced to play one game. There are no split squads in the playoffs. Your statement is resounding in its truth. I do hope a bus hits your bus on the way out, though.

Camera pans to Kate Hudson! Is there a more useless person than Kate Hudson? It's pretty much "Almost Famous" and a bucket of poison. Now she's going out with Alex Luthor. (Like that, I've worked on it all month. I decided to go with it even though Alex Luthor was Lex Luthor's son in comic book lore. No worries, only queers read comic books. No offense. To the literates.)

Joe Buck trying to impress us. He is really trying to impress us with his voice, knowledge and ability to relate what is happening on the field to something not immediately happening on the field. He brings ear atrophy. Not to be outdone by Tim McCarver, who is literally a mummy. I hate them both like Bubonic plague aids.

Predictions: Yankees in six. Pedro sucking and big deals being made. Bullpens sucking. A Kidrock performance.

Friday, October 23, 2009


From Bill P. again:

On the field, little really has to change.

The infield seems set, from Russell Martin to James Loney to Rafael Furcal to Casey Blake, with a possible platoon of Ronnie Belliard and Blake DeWitt playing second


Russell Martin qualified for the second lowest slugging percentage (.329) among catchers in 2009, besting only Jason Kendall (.305).

James Loney hit 13 homers. He is a first baseman. His OPS (.756) was lower than Ryan Garko's (.765). He hit one home run and slugged .316 at home.

Rafael Furcal turns 32 tomorrow. Want him to lead off? He had an OBP of .335 and stole 12 bases while getting caught six times.

Casey Blake is 36. Casey Blake lost 50 points of OPS in the second half. Casey Blake had a 97:39 K:BB against righties last year. He oddly alternates between good and bad seasons since 2003.

Blake Dewitt shouldn't be mentioned. Ronnie Belliard would be a serviceable utility guy. NOT A DAMN SECOND BASEMAN.

"The infield seems set." DOES IT? You just suggested an infield that hit 54 homers for the Dodgers last year. Total. Fifty-four.

The teams who lead their respective leagues in homers hit: New York Yankees, Philadelphia Phillies

I'm convinced of this. Bill Plaschke keeps a scorecard at baseball games. The second someone gets an extra base hit, he takes out his sharpie and writes "FUNDAMENTALS" in big letters on the scorecard and sits with his hands crossed for the rest of the game.

Hitting is part of the game, farthead.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Kill Me

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Don't watch Around the Horn,0,2132709.column?page=2

I dare you to read that hunk o'shit.

Don't want to? Here are the last two lines:

"The little things. The fighting things.

The destiny things."

It was Game Two of the NLCS. The Dodgers split at home, LOSING HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE. HOW IS THAT DESTINY? It's their destiny to lose the series?

Bill Plaschke couldn't pass a high school composition class. It's his destiny to vomit on newspaper.

This article. Is Destiny.

And can we shut up about Pedro? The Phillies win if Chase Utley doesn't crap himself. There.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


Below is a general hosting instruction sheet that covers just about every episode I've ever seen.

  • Bring in contestant that claims to have unusual psychic powers, or just acts unusual. Level-headedness makes for terrible TV.
    • Requirements for selection:
      • They must think that they have a better chance than all the previous contestants on the show.
      • They must be related to three (3) people just as idiotic.
      • Whatever interviews they take prior to participation must offer undeniable proof that they're complete tools.
    • Contestant prep:
      • Ridiculous attire is the most appropriate. Turbans are optional, as are Crocs, ten gallon hats, and grass skirts (unless the contestant is a woman).
      • Treat the contestant to a few drinks before the show. The drinks may be expensive, because the contestant's sobriety will cost the show much more.
  • Introduce the contestant. Ask them a few questions that only serve to further their appearance of a half-wit before opening random cases.
  • Open the first six cases
    • As the host, make irrelevant, wayward connections to each number.
      • Case number 4? Why, that's the number of children our last contestant had!
      • Case number 10? That's the number of toes on your feet, isn't it?
      • Case number 16? Did you know that 16 is the atomic weight of the oxygen we're breathing RIGHT NOW?!?!
    • Upon the contestant picking the number, call the case girl by a girly name (preferably her own), but if you can't remember her name, any girly name.
      • Case number 4? (Aw man, I'm drawing a blank.) CASSSSSSANDRA!
      • Case number 10? (Crap. Not Again!) NATAAAAALIA!
      • Case number 16? (Wait, do I know this?) AGNES? (Naw, that's not right...)
    • Call for a commercial break between the 2nd and 3rd cases. Why not?
  • Pretend to talk to the banker for a minute or so, and then say the first insult that comes to your tongue, preceded by "The Banker just said...". Then announce the amount of money (which is the only thing the banker actually told you anyways) with conviction and drastic emphasis. Try not to laugh at their disappointment.
  • Proceed through the rounds, and the contestant's stupidity should take care of the rest. Once the decisions involve more money (because the 30k the "banker" offered the first time was just a drop in the bucket), bring out the contestant's tool bag of a family. Bribe them each with $50 to say "NO DEAL!" to every deal and any deal. They're probably too stupid to realize that 50 < 1,000,000, which is exactly why they're on this show in the first place.
  • Sentimental time! 750k in one box, a dollar in the second, and a penny in the third. Let's offer 600,000 dollars, just to spice it up. By all logical standards, this deal is a no-brainer, so let's bring in senile grandpa to keep this round alive!
    • Have the handyman on set wheel in the television set, on which there is a live feed from Grandpa's hospital room. It's so sad how little he knows!
    • The nurse in his room (who is actually a suitcase girl with absolutely no background in the medical field) shakes Grandpa alive. It's a gosh darn shame Grandpa's mind is back in the 50s!
      • "Should I take the money, Grandpa?"
      • "NO DEAL!" Grandpa says with perfect coherence before passing out in his bed. He's been rehearsing that line all week, and you'd be a jerk not to accept his ill-conceived advice.
      • "NO DEAL HOWIE!!!"
  • Oooooh... Grandpa was wrong. Agnes opens case 16, which is appropriately valued at 750,000. It's OK though. No amount of money could ever serve to justify the breaking of Grandpa's heart.
  • Now we're left with just a dollar and a penny, but we're very generous here at Deal or No Deal, so the offer stands at $5. At least you can pay for the gas you spend getting home. Wait, "NO DEAL" you say? And now it's only just that your lucky case that you've held through this tragic experience holds the dollar --not the penny-- and you've walked out a winner after all! It's been just another round of DEAL...................................
  • or No Deal!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Sunday, October 4, 2009

More Pete King

The Wall Street Journal: Is it true that you offered to give back some of your salary to save jobs at Sports Illustrated?

Mr. King: It's something I did but I really don't want to talk about it. But I will say this: I make a ridiculous amount of money. I'm not saying I'm not worth it. But I make a stupid amount of money. Sometimes it seems a little absurd considering what's happening in our business.

Allow me to say you aren't worth it.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

I'll do predictions (stolen material)

Then we will debate over them.

Packers 54, Rams Shit Number

Something like a nine or something. One of those "ZOMG TEH RED ZONE WHAT DO WE DO" numbers.

Texans 35, Jaguars 4

The ole two safety stinkbarn.

Vikings > Niners

Really folks. The Niners are shitty. Teams with good defenses will make them squirm.

Pats > Falcons

Tom Brady is insufferable. Don't take pictures of him or he'll kill your kids.

Bears > Seahawks

Seahawks, NFL's most boring team? I vote yes. Cleveland and St. Louis in the running. Throw Washington in there and KC and Oakland and Denver and Jacksonville and Miami and Tampa Bay and San Francisco and Carolina and Detroit and Chicago also.

Ravens > Browns

The downfall of Brady Quinn is beauty in inevitability.

Eagles > Chiefs

The downfall of Matt Cassell is invitabilitiy in booty.

Giants > bucs

football game, a team wins

Steelers > Bengals, Skins > Lions, Chargers > Doplhintsnn, Saints >, Titans > Oilers, Jets > Cardinles ,,,,,, Coltgs > Jews

Week Three looks like crap.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Are there?

Saturday, September 19, 2009

What if Joe Mauer's team makes the playoffs?

Writers will kill themselves, because that is the sole criterion for the MVP award.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Join My Fantasy NBA League

I know BigFace said he would. There are 4 of the 14 spots left. I invite my fellow co-writing studs to join this league.

Don't be scared by the $20 entry fee, just win the league. It's that simple, duh.

Email me at: for league ID and password. Egads!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Deadspin, finally useful

Read in SI today that the editors of Fire Joe Morgan are taking over Deadspin today. Check that out, butterfly shits.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Hi, I'm a Holistic Veterinarian

Hi, I'm a Holistic Veterinarian.


This is the day I had.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Obama!!! What do you think you're doing?!?

Over the past several months, trivial issues such as unemployment, public healthcare, and government spending have saturated the modern media with pointless questions, none of which will ever be answered until Obama addresses the most heavy-pressing issue of them all: Box Top inflation.

I strolled through the cereal isle just the other day, clipboard in hand, when I saw the most abhorrent injustice this nation has ever upheld. Two Box Tops on one box of Cocoa Puffs. Really, Barack? Are the cereal giants of America going to get away with this infraction of the Constitution? Some of the greatest minds of post-Colonial America drafted those hallowed papers in hope for a future America free from the shackles of Frosted Flakes or Wheat Thins!

Box Tops were propelled into the U.S. economy in the Clinton era, beginning as a harmless, innocent way to promote the well-being of students and their schools. Box Tops immediately incited obesity in children across the nation, as contests were stimulated in learning environments to raise money for schools, and the typical 5th grader would consume 3 to 4 boxes of cereal over a two-hour span on average. The winning class of the given school would possibly enjoy an ice cream party, only serving to fatten the innocent children more so.

Box Tops are also the primary causes of sudden infant death syndrome, liver cancer, and the common cold. And yes, there is absolutely no cure for the common cold.

I assumed the group of cereal boxes was something of a fluke or a mistake, so I moved on, and proceeded to evaluate the frozen yogurt section. My supermarket pastime was unanticipatedly interrupted when I spotted a box of Toaster Strudel with yet another two box tops. Last I checked, most boxes only have one top, don't they? DON'T THEY?!

So what does this mean for our already-crumbling America? This may turn into  a double-take of Canada's Box Top Reform, initiated by their emperor (or whatever they have in Canada) in 1985, during an 18 month recession, as the Box Tops were tearing apart the foundation of their economy. That's why their dollar is worth more than ours, I think. The only difference between now and then is that our economy is already in jeopardy, and the unsupervised doubling of box tops is sure to bring this nation's salubrity to an end.

How to prevent this? Eat more Box Tops. Not cereal. Box Tops. It's the only way. So long as all of the Box Tops in Anglo-America are consumed and digested, this beautiful nation will never see its end. Once you're done with the Box Top, give the cereal/frozen pastry/brownie mix to a homeless guy. He needs it more than you do, plus I hear it hurts to eat with liver cancer, which you now have from consuming box tops. We still admire your sacrifice for this country, though.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Clearly My Team Is The Best

in our first annual 20 team Illiterate Blog NFL Fantasy Football draft. I hope this is a keeper league. Now someone trade me Adrian Peterson. I have lots to offer:

Round Pick Player Position

1. (8) Larry Fitzgerald WR
2. (33) Brett Favre QB
3. (48) Minnesota DEF
4. (73) Visanthe Shiancoe TE
5. (88) Percy Harvin WR
6. (113) Chester Taylor RB
7. (128) Sidney Rice WR
8. (153) Ryan Longwell K
9. (168) Adrian Peterson RB
10. (193) Sage Rosenfels QB
11. (208) Tarvaris Jackson QB
12. (233) Jaymar Johnson WR
13. (248) Darius Reynaud WR
14. (273) Jim Kleinsasser TE
15. (288) John David Booty QB

Monday, September 7, 2009

KFC vs. Subway

It won't let me embed it, so this will have to do.

webster's defines "whatever"

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Preseason NFL Cloud

The larger the word, the more times I've heard it said in the last two months. Needless to say, the WILDCAT OFFENSE!!!!!!! has stolen the show. 

Ten Minutes or Less: An entire NFL Preview

Starting NOW

New England Patriots: Tom Brady is not going to get hurt, people. Yet. Stay tuned for details.

Buffalo Bills: The TO Show went 1-15

Miami Dolphins: Resigned David Boston to a ten dayer. Just kidding. Twitter and the Tuna will MURDER YOUR FAMILY.

New York Jets: Leon

Houston Texans: Stop getting your hopes up. The masters of the 8-8

Tennessee Titans: I've got nothing.

Indianapolis Colts: No more Shooty Harrison, like he wasn't riding out into the sunset anyway? (Guns blazing)

Jacksonville Jaguars: The addition of Torry Holt's disgusting fingers will suffice. Suffice for what? I don't know, go away.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Big Ben hates pockets and the ladies?

Cleveland Browns: Mangenius? More like Mangiardia.

Cincinnati Bengals: Marvin Lewis. First to get fired, first in your hearts.

Baltimore Ravens: "Unibrower Power: Flac & co. get it done" -Baltimore Sun

Denver Broncos: Suck

Oakland Raiders: Sucker

Kansas City Chiefs: The logical progression would be suckiest but they are probably better than the last two teams mentioned.

San Diego Chargers: Norv Turner's skin flakes make great furniture. (what?)


Dallas Cowboys: "Romo Smitten? Love affair with Witten" -Baltimore Sun

Washington Redskins: I smell seven victories and sour cheddar flavoring

New York Giants: Whatever

Philadelphia Eagles: Vick and dogs and Vick and dogs and Vick and dogs

Atlanta Falcons: Ryan and cats and Ryan and cat and Ryan and cats (conspiracy)

Carolina Panthers: Hillbilly interception, call elias

Saints: who cares?

Bucs: Sorry, NOW WHOCARES?

Packers: Fuck 'em

Bears: Diabetus never won anything

Vikigns: FAVRE SIX TO MIDNIGHT From Peter King

Lions: stafford fat cheeks

Cards: warner.hurt.bookit.

Rams: sleeper, comatose

Seahawks: the most boring thing ever

49ers: this division, I mean my god


Thursday, September 3, 2009

Either awesome or garbage.

I'm not sure. You decide.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Best. Video. Ever.

I know this has already been posted on our prestigious blog, but I can't help myself. Plus, some of our loyal readers may have missed it the first time. In case you missed it, the best video EVER. Seriously, I estimate that I have watched this approximately 7,472 times. And counting.


P.S. I'm stupid and don't know how to make a video appear above. So a link must suffice.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Reader(s) Fantasy League


I want the contributors join my fantasy football league. There are 19 spots available (I must have a spot becuase I am king). It is a live draft league with standard scoring (want 2 points for a successful lateral, go somewhere else). The draft is 8:45 PM on September 10th. If you can't make it, DON'T JOIN. Just kidding. Make sure you set your preranks and go drop dead at whichever "thing" you have to attend.

-That's September 10th at 8:45 PM
-No bullshit settings
-One team per person (I know I can't enforce this, but so help me God I'll destroy the league if I sense spidershit goings on)
-If you're too much of a bigshot to be active, then gain 100 pounds and get on disability
-League ID#: 833928
Password: boosh

Or don't join and see if the baby gets it.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Can I be the Advertising Agent?

Check out some of my ideas:


"I dare you to do better." -Captain Christopher Pike

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Having diabetes

is awesome

How this has only 48,000 hits in a year is beyond comprehension.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Twitter Friendly Movie Reviews

Feel free to agree with everything I say. The beauty of a twitter friendly review is that if anything is wrong or missing you can blame the 140 character limit. You're welcome and I'm sorry. 

Inglorious Basterds
, Tarantino has done it again. His style works because his writing is great and his actors performances are authentic.

District 9, a very non Hollywoood movie that eventually uses Hollywoody plot elements. Original in style, location and pacing. Enjoyable.

500 days of summerA unique take on a love story. Pleasant to watch. A NYC/Chicago type setting in downtown LA. Not horrible. Some say good

Bruno, Completely over the top. Not quite guerrilla film making. Lots of penis. Some very funny moments. Shock humor taken to a new level.

The Hangover, I laughed my ass off. Really enjoyed this movie. Zach Galifianakis's star is born. Very satisfying movie. Well done.

Up, Another enjoyable, funny, poignant Pixar film. Good for kids and adults. Made some adults cry. Not me, I'm tough. Everyone laughed too.

Fantasy Draft Advice: WRs

1. Larry Fitzgerald

He was on the Madden Cover, so don't draft him no matter how far he falls.

2. Andre Johnson

ESPN said that he could get hurt. Cross him off all your lists now.

3. Calvin Johnson

He's the sexy pick for #1 WR this year, but I don't buy it. He has some nice physical features, but he's no Tom Brady. Don't consider him either.

4. Randy Moss

Despite popular belief, he did have Tom Brady for part of last year. Don't draft him, because he could end up not having Tom Brady at all this year. Gay joke? You decide.

5. Steve Smith, Panthers

I bet you think I'm going to say that you shouldn't draft him. You're right.

6. Reggie Wayne

You can draft him, but I wouldn't.

7. Greg Jennings

He probably feels like Brett Favre betrayed the Packers, but I don't think that matters.

8. Roddy White

Have you noticed how this is lazier than anything I've ever written?

9. Terrell Owens

Do you think he's banging those two chicks on his TV show? Yes, I'll admit it, I have watched parts of his show.

10. Anquan Boldin

You didn't hear it from me, but he could finish with more fantasy points than Larry Fitzgerald. I'm not saying he will, but it's possible, kinda.

11. TJ Houshsmasomething

I have him higher on this list than on my real list because I want to mess your teams up.

12. Wes Welker

Draft him here if you have a Pats fan in your league. They would trade both of their nuts for him. Don't accept this trade, because nuts don't have much value, but it's a good start.

13. Roy Williams

He was bad with the Cowboys last year, but that's only because TO was always bullying him. I heard he ran home from practice crying one day because TO gave him a wedgie. He saw a therapist all summer, and it sounds like he's recovering well.

14. Dwayne Bowe

I'm not sure what the Chiefs are trying to prove by not putting Bowe as the starter on the depth chart. I'm pretty sure he's the only healthy WR in Missouri.

15. Marques Colston

I'm too lazy to think of anything.

16. Brandon Marshall

He hasn't learned the playbook, he wants to be traded, and he's got nagging injuries. Don't worry about any of those, because it's just fantasy football.

17. Eddie Royal

You'd have to be an idiot to put Marshall above Royal.

18. Chad Ochocinco

Did you see him kick that extra point?

19. Braylon Edwards

I really wasn't prepared for this list. Laziness.

20. Vincent Jackson

I quit.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

More LLWS "Insight"

I was watching Chula Vista versus Kentucky (don't quote me on the teams involved or the transpirings).

I love it when the kids wear eye black. It serves as a makeshift tear test to show you just how much they've cried. When Chula Vista lead 14-0, one of the Kentucky kids had eye black draining down his chin. Hey champ, embrace the mercy of the ten run rule and maybe be older and take bull semen like the Chula Vista team. (Kinda throwing around accusations here......but they were totally on something, especially the one kid named Luke "extra hormones in the milk" Martinez)

Then one player, and I won't name him (cause I forgot), listed his favorite athlete as Tim Tebow. No, no, it happened. I know! He was also tweaky and didn't have his uniform fully buttoned. Kids and old people are the punchlines of the human race.

Now allow me to type more right things. You ever notice how the teams closest in proximity to cheap steroids and questionably aging youngsters seem to win? If not, take note of that in the future.

Also, take this note: "Don't watch LLWS around people who like it while drunk at a bar. Who in the hell are these losers? Is this shit the new World Series of Poker? God, don't get me started on that. I mean, poker? I know there's probably skill in the decision making than most pessimists lead you to believe, but IT'S A G.D. CARD GAME ON TELEVISION. WHAT CHANGES FROM YEAR TO YEAR? Bring back the XFL, I say. Or televise minor league baseball. If you know someone who watches card games on TV, they are a fat person. Oh look...look! That one guy had a flush. Here's a flush *flushes bidet with figurative turd in it* What's next? Piano recitals. Piano recitals are next."


What's the difference between the WNBA and Little League Baseball?

Ground Rules: No one likes the WNBA.

But the more and more I bash little league baseball, the more dirty looks I get. What is the difference?

We're talking about sports being played poorly due to physical liabilities. One due to the physical weakness of women, the other due to subpar coordination during child development.

And why do my co-workers like watching children cry? I almost want to call protective services. They may be playing out a little league conquest at the dinner table, complete with irreparable psychological damage due to the outcome of a meaningless baseball game. Remember who won the 1986 World Series? Of course you do. Remember who won the 2008 Little League World Series? If you do, stop reading.

Here's the part of the post where you're thinking "He must've had a bad experience with Little League and he's just bitter." Well, yes and no. I hated Little League, but I knew I would hate it going in. It was pretty much a "let's get this over with" hate and not a "how many epithets can my dad shout at the other team while they bat and where is his shirt" hate. Hey kids, losing this game you play so poorly makes all the difference in the way your parents view you. Oh, national television too. Now go out there and shit your pants.

So when someone bashes the WNBA, while extolling the virtues of little league baseball in the same breath, see if you can get them fired for having snuff films on their hard drive.

The Less You Know *asteroid*

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

As the only person who hasn't typed anything about Brett Favre or Michael Vick, let's do this

Hello. I am the only person on the planet who hasn't publicly weighed in on either Michael Vick or Brett Favre.

I will start with Michael Vick. Guys, dog fighting is wrong, but he has done his time, and he should be allowed to get a job in the NFL. When football players like Michael Vick pay their dues, they have earned the right to rejoin the league, even though in this case fighting dogs is immoral. That's a given. And really, justice was served and Vick's punishment was levied. Don't dog fight. Jobs are to be had. Football players who do illegal things can rejoin society, as well as rejuvenate their playing careers. Making dead dogs is not right, nor is it morally kosher. But if you do make dead dogs, be a good athlete, and you'll get your comeuppance against the man. Don't get me wrong, but do get dogfighting wrong, because it is. WRONG. Then again, daddy needs to eat, and dog meat just doesn't fill daddy's filet mignon stomach. To eat, daddy needs to get out of prison and get that paper. Dogs are helpless creatures who could kill you if you drop your hat, thus completing the phrase "drop of a hat." Fighting them is not cool, but try to do it discreetly enough that you can keep your job. Pay off your debt to society and remember that canine murder is impolite, putting it lightly.

I will end with Brett Favre. Drop dead, hillbilly.



Opie sent me a personal tweet! HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I MEANT? I was scared shitless, so I just replied "go tiger". I am shy.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Fantasy Draft Advice: RBs

1. Adrian Peterson, Bears

Your friends will laugh at you for the rest of the season. You will become angry. Nothing will feel as good as it used to. Food will taste bitter, your body will ache, and sex(more likely masturbation) won't bring you satisfaction. The anger will build for the entire season and you'll keep it all bottled up. Then, when the champion of the league is giving his acceptance speech and he thanks you for being an idiot, you'll snap and murder everyone. The next year, no one else will show up for the draft because they're all dead. You'll be able to get all the sleepers while they get crappy autopick teams.

2. Adrian Peterson, Vikings

If you're impatient, just take this Adrian. I won't be upset, it just shows that you're not a big picture guy like me.

3. Marion Barber

This is a little high of a pick for him. You're friends will question you, but when they do, just yell "Marion the Barbarian!" Your friends will ask you how that helps your argument. Just yell it louder. Block out their logic. The more sense they make, the louder you yell. Yelling is a sign of intelligence.

4. Matt Forte

Make a corny joke about how rushing is his forte, then prepare to be beaten senseless.

5. Chris Johnson

I'm saving the LenDale White is fat joke for LenDale White. I can't think of much to say about CJ, so I'll just say that I'm excited to see Vince Young in action this year.

6. Michael Turner

Avoid him completely. The curse of 370 has been placed on his soul. It doesn't affect Peterson because he only had 363 carries last year. It doesn't matter how close you are unless you hit 370. There's literally a part of your leg that breaks down at exactly 370 carries. Scientists proved it.

7. Maurice Jones-Drew

It remains to be seen if he can handle a full workload. Is that why I have him this low on the list? No, I couldn't tell you why he's this low on the list. I guess I just felt like it, okay?

8. Steven Jackson

He's one of the most talented backs in the league, but he's got Marc Bulger on his team. Maybe they should ask Kurt if he would please consider coming back.

9. LaDainian Tomlinson

It was depressing to watch a back that used to be a fantasy stud collapse like he did last year. He should retire now so he doesn't embarrass himself with another 1,100 yard, 11 TD season. But seriously, he's on his way down.

10. DeAngelo Williams

No one expected him to put up the numbers he did last year. No one expects him to put those numbers up again this year. Could we see back to back monster seasons by Williams? Probably not, but I bet I got your hopes up.

11. Frank Gore

Watch out, he's a huge injury risk. I'm not judging this by his history, it's just that anyone who gets tackled 200-300 times a year is a huge injury risk.

12. Brandon Jacobs

I'm not a Giants fan, but watching Jacobs abuse defenders last year was pretty awesome. Mostly because I had loved Jacobs and drafted him in most leagues. With that awesome line, they should have Bradshaw as QB. They could just tell Eli Manning and his huge contract to screw off. Don't tell anyone I said this, but Eli's kind of mediocre.

13. Steve Slaton

I picked Slaton up last year and expected him to do great things. Please comment telling me how smart I was for that. I really need you to feed my ego.

14. Clinton Portis

Did anyone make a joke about a new Clinton being in Washington when the Redskins got him? Because that would have been really awful. His offense is boring, so I won't draft him.

16. Ronnie Brown

It was fun to watch the wildcat confuse the Patriots, but now I'm kind of tired of it.

18. Thomas Jones

I don't believe his numbers last year. I can see them and I know they're real, I just don't believe them.

19. Darren McFadden

I'm almost sure he'll do better than last year. Doing better than last year isn't that impressive, but it's something. The Raiders might give Fargas some of the carries because Al Davis is batshit crazy and no one wants to question him.

20. Joseph Addai

If you didn't watch him play last year and didn't hear the Colts drafted Donald Brown, this will look like a huge steal.

21. Ryan Grant

I have a strange hatred for this guy that I just can't explain.

22. LenDale White

He's not as fat anymore, all the fantasy writers that want to be comedians are now dead inside.

23. Marshawn Lynch
24. Derrick Ward
25. Jonathan Stewart
26. Shaun Alexander(keep the faith)
27. Larry Johnson
28. Knowshon Moreno
29. Ahmad Bradshaw
30. Willie Parker

I'm not helping you anymore. If you need an RB after this point, just draw a name out of a hat. I don't care about you. There, I said it. Now you all know.

The timeline of an umpire's life

0 years: He hath been born unto unhappy parents. His early childhood will be dedicated to settling disputes between the feuding elders. The mother will spill hot soup in his eyes at age four. You'd think they might take him to the hospital, but no, they are busy arguing about the number of lamps the living room should have. Tears are the best medicine.

10 years: He goes to the only school that still allows dodgeball. The physically superior kids throw the ball at his eyes...directly at his eyes. They spit on the balls before doing so. He develops hypersensitivity and a fat face.

20 years: College? Who needs that! He works at a fork factory and falls in a vat full of forks. Surprise, the forks don't go in his eyes. When he goes to the hospital, the doctor will spill hot soup in his eyes at age 24. Are you feeling these verb tense disagreements?

30 years: Alas, he's an umpire. George Brett sends him death threats and his wife is a team hotel groupie. A dog attacks him and removes his foveas with surgical precision. He is promoted to crew chief of the umpire tribe.

40 years: This happens.

50 years: Okay, I can give you a pass on throwing out Bobby Cox. No one likes Bobby Cox. In person! (He's great if you keep your distance).

60 years: Says here on your resume that you suck. STRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE. Really? You need to string it out like that? No one is watching you, so quit playing that movie in your dumb brain. Oh, and whichever ump it is that takes forever to call balls and strikes (ON PURPOSE MIND YOU), I hope you just eat one. The games already feel like anesthesia, jerkoff.

As far as letting teams fight, I say let them fight. They're jocks! It just feels right for them to throw flesh. They don't even fight well, anyway. Trot Nixon threw his bat once. Remember that? If you don't remember that, I win this argument.

Why do we need some podunk policing grown men? Hell, emphysema lungs Jim Leyland probably wanted to give the shiv last night. And then, on Baseball Tonight, doogums Karl Ravech starts getting itchy vag over Eric Young explaining the proper way to fight. Did you know Andres Galarraga, the nicest baseball player I or you have ever known or met, once *GASP* charged the mound. I wish I could find video of it, because if Darren Dreifort had not ducked, he would be sans head.

Get a grip, Ravech, they aren't punching toddlers out there. They are punching other dumb baseball players and getting suspended for it. Open and shut case and we'll leave the light on for you.