Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Fantasy Draft Advice: RBs

1. Adrian Peterson, Bears

Your friends will laugh at you for the rest of the season. You will become angry. Nothing will feel as good as it used to. Food will taste bitter, your body will ache, and sex(more likely masturbation) won't bring you satisfaction. The anger will build for the entire season and you'll keep it all bottled up. Then, when the champion of the league is giving his acceptance speech and he thanks you for being an idiot, you'll snap and murder everyone. The next year, no one else will show up for the draft because they're all dead. You'll be able to get all the sleepers while they get crappy autopick teams.

2. Adrian Peterson, Vikings

If you're impatient, just take this Adrian. I won't be upset, it just shows that you're not a big picture guy like me.

3. Marion Barber

This is a little high of a pick for him. You're friends will question you, but when they do, just yell "Marion the Barbarian!" Your friends will ask you how that helps your argument. Just yell it louder. Block out their logic. The more sense they make, the louder you yell. Yelling is a sign of intelligence.

4. Matt Forte

Make a corny joke about how rushing is his forte, then prepare to be beaten senseless.

5. Chris Johnson

I'm saving the LenDale White is fat joke for LenDale White. I can't think of much to say about CJ, so I'll just say that I'm excited to see Vince Young in action this year.

6. Michael Turner

Avoid him completely. The curse of 370 has been placed on his soul. It doesn't affect Peterson because he only had 363 carries last year. It doesn't matter how close you are unless you hit 370. There's literally a part of your leg that breaks down at exactly 370 carries. Scientists proved it.

7. Maurice Jones-Drew

It remains to be seen if he can handle a full workload. Is that why I have him this low on the list? No, I couldn't tell you why he's this low on the list. I guess I just felt like it, okay?

8. Steven Jackson

He's one of the most talented backs in the league, but he's got Marc Bulger on his team. Maybe they should ask Kurt if he would please consider coming back.

9. LaDainian Tomlinson

It was depressing to watch a back that used to be a fantasy stud collapse like he did last year. He should retire now so he doesn't embarrass himself with another 1,100 yard, 11 TD season. But seriously, he's on his way down.

10. DeAngelo Williams

No one expected him to put up the numbers he did last year. No one expects him to put those numbers up again this year. Could we see back to back monster seasons by Williams? Probably not, but I bet I got your hopes up.

11. Frank Gore

Watch out, he's a huge injury risk. I'm not judging this by his history, it's just that anyone who gets tackled 200-300 times a year is a huge injury risk.

12. Brandon Jacobs

I'm not a Giants fan, but watching Jacobs abuse defenders last year was pretty awesome. Mostly because I had loved Jacobs and drafted him in most leagues. With that awesome line, they should have Bradshaw as QB. They could just tell Eli Manning and his huge contract to screw off. Don't tell anyone I said this, but Eli's kind of mediocre.

13. Steve Slaton

I picked Slaton up last year and expected him to do great things. Please comment telling me how smart I was for that. I really need you to feed my ego.

14. Clinton Portis

Did anyone make a joke about a new Clinton being in Washington when the Redskins got him? Because that would have been really awful. His offense is boring, so I won't draft him.

16. Ronnie Brown

It was fun to watch the wildcat confuse the Patriots, but now I'm kind of tired of it.

18. Thomas Jones

I don't believe his numbers last year. I can see them and I know they're real, I just don't believe them.

19. Darren McFadden

I'm almost sure he'll do better than last year. Doing better than last year isn't that impressive, but it's something. The Raiders might give Fargas some of the carries because Al Davis is batshit crazy and no one wants to question him.

20. Joseph Addai

If you didn't watch him play last year and didn't hear the Colts drafted Donald Brown, this will look like a huge steal.

21. Ryan Grant

I have a strange hatred for this guy that I just can't explain.

22. LenDale White

He's not as fat anymore, all the fantasy writers that want to be comedians are now dead inside.

23. Marshawn Lynch
24. Derrick Ward
25. Jonathan Stewart
26. Shaun Alexander(keep the faith)
27. Larry Johnson
28. Knowshon Moreno
29. Ahmad Bradshaw
30. Willie Parker

I'm not helping you anymore. If you need an RB after this point, just draw a name out of a hat. I don't care about you. There, I said it. Now you all know.


  1. Thomas Jones should be higher than Pierre Thomas. A french black guy? Come on.