Thursday, August 13, 2009

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Fantasy Draft Advice: RBs

1. Adrian Peterson, Bears

Your friends will laugh at you for the rest of the season. You will become angry. Nothing will feel as good as it used to. Food will taste bitter, your body will ache, and sex(more likely masturbation) won't bring you satisfaction. The anger will build for the entire season and you'll keep it all bottled up. Then, when the champion of the league is giving his acceptance speech and he thanks you for being an idiot, you'll snap and murder everyone. The next year, no one else will show up for the draft because they're all dead. You'll be able to get all the sleepers while they get crappy autopick teams.

2. Adrian Peterson, Vikings

If you're impatient, just take this Adrian. I won't be upset, it just shows that you're not a big picture guy like me.

3. Marion Barber

This is a little high of a pick for him. You're friends will question you, but when they do, just yell "Marion the Barbarian!" Your friends will ask you how that helps your argument. Just yell it louder. Block out their logic. The more sense they make, the louder you yell. Yelling is a sign of intelligence.

4. Matt Forte

Make a corny joke about how rushing is his forte, then prepare to be beaten senseless.

5. Chris Johnson

I'm saving the LenDale White is fat joke for LenDale White. I can't think of much to say about CJ, so I'll just say that I'm excited to see Vince Young in action this year.

6. Michael Turner

Avoid him completely. The curse of 370 has been placed on his soul. It doesn't affect Peterson because he only had 363 carries last year. It doesn't matter how close you are unless you hit 370. There's literally a part of your leg that breaks down at exactly 370 carries. Scientists proved it.

7. Maurice Jones-Drew

It remains to be seen if he can handle a full workload. Is that why I have him this low on the list? No, I couldn't tell you why he's this low on the list. I guess I just felt like it, okay?

8. Steven Jackson

He's one of the most talented backs in the league, but he's got Marc Bulger on his team. Maybe they should ask Kurt if he would please consider coming back.

9. LaDainian Tomlinson

It was depressing to watch a back that used to be a fantasy stud collapse like he did last year. He should retire now so he doesn't embarrass himself with another 1,100 yard, 11 TD season. But seriously, he's on his way down.

10. DeAngelo Williams

No one expected him to put up the numbers he did last year. No one expects him to put those numbers up again this year. Could we see back to back monster seasons by Williams? Probably not, but I bet I got your hopes up.

11. Frank Gore

Watch out, he's a huge injury risk. I'm not judging this by his history, it's just that anyone who gets tackled 200-300 times a year is a huge injury risk.

12. Brandon Jacobs

I'm not a Giants fan, but watching Jacobs abuse defenders last year was pretty awesome. Mostly because I had loved Jacobs and drafted him in most leagues. With that awesome line, they should have Bradshaw as QB. They could just tell Eli Manning and his huge contract to screw off. Don't tell anyone I said this, but Eli's kind of mediocre.

13. Steve Slaton

I picked Slaton up last year and expected him to do great things. Please comment telling me how smart I was for that. I really need you to feed my ego.

14. Clinton Portis

Did anyone make a joke about a new Clinton being in Washington when the Redskins got him? Because that would have been really awful. His offense is boring, so I won't draft him.

16. Ronnie Brown

It was fun to watch the wildcat confuse the Patriots, but now I'm kind of tired of it.

18. Thomas Jones

I don't believe his numbers last year. I can see them and I know they're real, I just don't believe them.

19. Darren McFadden

I'm almost sure he'll do better than last year. Doing better than last year isn't that impressive, but it's something. The Raiders might give Fargas some of the carries because Al Davis is batshit crazy and no one wants to question him.

20. Joseph Addai

If you didn't watch him play last year and didn't hear the Colts drafted Donald Brown, this will look like a huge steal.

21. Ryan Grant

I have a strange hatred for this guy that I just can't explain.

22. LenDale White

He's not as fat anymore, all the fantasy writers that want to be comedians are now dead inside.

23. Marshawn Lynch
24. Derrick Ward
25. Jonathan Stewart
26. Shaun Alexander(keep the faith)
27. Larry Johnson
28. Knowshon Moreno
29. Ahmad Bradshaw
30. Willie Parker

I'm not helping you anymore. If you need an RB after this point, just draw a name out of a hat. I don't care about you. There, I said it. Now you all know.

The timeline of an umpire's life

0 years: He hath been born unto unhappy parents. His early childhood will be dedicated to settling disputes between the feuding elders. The mother will spill hot soup in his eyes at age four. You'd think they might take him to the hospital, but no, they are busy arguing about the number of lamps the living room should have. Tears are the best medicine.

10 years: He goes to the only school that still allows dodgeball. The physically superior kids throw the ball at his eyes...directly at his eyes. They spit on the balls before doing so. He develops hypersensitivity and a fat face.

20 years: College? Who needs that! He works at a fork factory and falls in a vat full of forks. Surprise, the forks don't go in his eyes. When he goes to the hospital, the doctor will spill hot soup in his eyes at age 24. Are you feeling these verb tense disagreements?

30 years: Alas, he's an umpire. George Brett sends him death threats and his wife is a team hotel groupie. A dog attacks him and removes his foveas with surgical precision. He is promoted to crew chief of the umpire tribe.

40 years: This happens.

50 years: Okay, I can give you a pass on throwing out Bobby Cox. No one likes Bobby Cox. In person! (He's great if you keep your distance).

60 years: Says here on your resume that you suck. STRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE. Really? You need to string it out like that? No one is watching you, so quit playing that movie in your dumb brain. Oh, and whichever ump it is that takes forever to call balls and strikes (ON PURPOSE MIND YOU), I hope you just eat one. The games already feel like anesthesia, jerkoff.

As far as letting teams fight, I say let them fight. They're jocks! It just feels right for them to throw flesh. They don't even fight well, anyway. Trot Nixon threw his bat once. Remember that? If you don't remember that, I win this argument.

Why do we need some podunk policing grown men? Hell, emphysema lungs Jim Leyland probably wanted to give the shiv last night. And then, on Baseball Tonight, doogums Karl Ravech starts getting itchy vag over Eric Young explaining the proper way to fight. Did you know Andres Galarraga, the nicest baseball player I or you have ever known or met, once *GASP* charged the mound. I wish I could find video of it, because if Darren Dreifort had not ducked, he would be sans head.

Get a grip, Ravech, they aren't punching toddlers out there. They are punching other dumb baseball players and getting suspended for it. Open and shut case and we'll leave the light on for you.

I'm Back

Thanks for your cards, readers. Hallmarks are so not corny I want to puke. I hate you guys.

"As for Knepp's last post, a mobile site is in the works. But Illiterate Blog is pretty much the only blog being read out there. *Thank you readers!* Just sayin', AX has a mobile site. It also has free porn on it. On your phone."


Sent from a computer.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Not mobile friendly

I just discovered that our blog is not very mobile friendly. Apologies to the millions of readers out there that are using a mobile web device to read this blog on a tri-daily basis. Something must be done about this travesty and pronto!!!! In fact it took me like 60 hours just to compose this epic post, and that's clearly unacceptable. We wouldn't want to alienate all our readers, now would we?

Fix it, Knepp.

(sent from my iPhone)

Monday, August 10, 2009

Don't Wanna Be An American Idiot

The way I see it, there are two ways of going about the transformation from American idiot to someone who's not an American idiot. Either be less of an idiot, or be un-American. I don't want to rid myself of idiotnessicism right now, so here are a few ways you can be un-American.

Instead of putting your hand over your heart while saying the pledge of allegiance, cross your fingers behind your back. Don't actually sing the song, either. It's better if you lip-synch, or close your eyes and plug your ears as to not be a part of such wretched a ceremony. If you really want to rid yourself of Americanism, pledge your allegiance to the "FΓΌhrer", instead.

When mother bakes a homemade apple pie, shove the whole thing into your mouth, and spit it into her face. The same applies at social events, class parties, or even pie-eating contests. If it's Thanksgiving, pumpkin pie is more appropriate for this practice.

Shun Football. Instead, lock yourself in your closet, and play Mexican Train with dominoes made in Thailand. Who's Brett Favre? If you can't tell me, you're well on your way. What college did Chris Perry go to? If you even know who Chris Perry is, I'd stop reading and make your way beyond idioticness, because this anti-Americanism guide probably won't do anything for you.

There you go, Mussolini. All you need to NOT be the American idiot. Stay tuned on the much-needed follow-up, explaining the whole "idiot" part...

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Fantasy Draft Advice: QBs

In the coming weeks, I may or may not go through all the positions for fantasy football. For now, I'm going to rank the QBs and tell you why my rankings are so good.

1.Brett Favre

1. Drew Brees

It's not likely he'll repeat last year's numbers, but you don't know that.

2. Tom Brady

I thought he might struggle early on this year just because of rust, but don't worry, ESPN assured me that nothing can stop him. Did you realize he was married to Gisele Bundchen? Because he is, ESPN told me. Let's all take a break to realize how perfect he is.


3. Peyton Manning

Sure, he's pretty much a guarantee to be great, but his numbers aren't flashy. Or something. Jim Sorgi is currently hurt, so if you do draft Manning, also draft both Sorgi and Curtis Painter as his hand cuffs. You're supposed to hand cuff QBs, right? That sounds kinda kinky.

4. Aaron Rodgers

I want to make a Favre joke here, but that really only shows how lazy of a writer I am.

5. Kurt Warner

Apparently he was a huge injury risk last year when he missed zero games. If he does get hurt, they can harvest organs from the useless Matt Leinart. Just stay away from his liver. Also, I wouldn't worry too much, Kurt and God are like brothers or something.

6. Tony Romo

A lot of people seem to think TO was causing a lot of problems with Tony. Apparently, losing a great WR will help. I agree with this. Tony can throw better now that his broken heart is healed.

7. Donovan McNabb

Draft him, then quickly announce that you're predicting a season full of nagging injuries. Even if you don't win the league, you'll still have bragging rights for a great prediction.

8. Kyle Orton

Claim to know a scout that compared Orton to Brady, then trade him for Brady.

9. Jay Cutler

The Broncos seemed to really dislike Jay Cutler. Either they're not smart, or they know something we don't. I'm going to go with option 2 and move Cutler to the bottom of my QB list.

10. Matt Ryan

Could he emerge as a fantasy stud this year? Seriously, tell me.

11. Matt Schaub

Draft him higher if you can convince the Texans to trade for Calvin Johnson.

12. Ben Roethlisberger

Ben always finds a way to take pressure off his team by getting in trouble during the offseason. You've got to love a team player, unless you're in a fantasy league.

13. Matt Cassel

He's getting paid a lot. Only think about salaries when drafting players.

14. Phillip Rivers

I have him this low because my league has a Douche Factor. Move him up if you're in a stupid league without the Douche Factor. Just to clarify, it punishes teams that have douches on their team. Douche.

15. Carson Palmer

He simply has to throw the ball a lot. Giving Cedric Benson more work is like a crime against nature.

16. Matt Hasselbeck

This effer almost ruined my season last year until someone dropped Warner. Don't draft him purely for the sake of my spite.

17. Eli Manning

Career advice for all you young footballers out there: Try as hard as you can to be a mediocre QB. You'll get paid more than the great QBs(see Manning, Peyton) and the great RBs that save your job(see Jacobs, Brandon). Or learn to be a left-handed pitcher.

From here on, it really doesn't matter, so I will give you no commentary.

18. David Garrard
19. Trent Edwards
20.Jake Delhomme
21. Chad Pennington
22. Joe Flacco
23. Tim Tebow
24. Jason Campbell
25. Shaun Hill
26. JaMarcus Russell
27. Marc Bulger
28. Brady Quinn

An Awsum Ideauhhh

Once Knepp gets back from his camping trip, he's going to start nagging me about how I never write on this blog anymore, so here you goes.

I was thinking about the utter demise of our ad idea, when I started pondering effective yet cheap advertising strategies. The first that came to mind was obviously duct-taping Knepp to a billboard, and having the original purchaser of the billboard pay for our publicity. I figured too many people wouldn't recognize him that way, so I crumpled up the idea and dunked it into the trash can (this kind of dunk). Next, I came up with an even better idea to paste pictures of Knepp on random foods around the grocery store, and writing "" in Sharpie on all the fruits in the produce section, but I'm pretty sure it's too good not to be illegal. Then I thought we could send Knepp to the World Series so that he could run around the field naked, making obscure animal noises with "" written across his butt, but that wouldn't work for a plethora of reasons.

Now that you've heard 3 of the million things I came up with that "wouldn't work", welcome to the one-million-first: Advertisements within advertisements. Let's say there's a 3-minute commercial slot between, oh, I don't know, iCarly and Drake and Josh (would've been Hannah Montana and Corey in the House, but I'm not a child. Jeesh.). We buy it up for, say, 800,000 for 'x' amount of days. The money will be drawn from CW's Paypal account, in case this doesn't work.

Then with our phenomenal negotiating skills, we get OTHER commercials to appear WITHIN our commercial. Genious? I no. It would go something like this:

[iCarly credits end]

[Knepp walks into a blank room with a green-screen for a background, which isn't being used for any graphical effects since, wouldn't you know it, we can't afford it.]

Jared: Welcome, one and all! I'm here to talk to you about a site. This site is awesome. This site is crazy. I'll explain what this site is about, and even this site's URL, after a word from our sponsors. "Sponsors," you say? Why yes. How else do you think we'd be doing this?

[Tired of watching cable? You should switch to DirecTV, spelled with just one T. It's better than cable, because you get to watch a lot more channels. Instead of watching iCarly on just one channel, you can watch it on five! You even get extra channels that exclusively air commercials! You'll even get channels that you'll have to pay additional fees to watch! Make the switch, and you'll be a more successful person!]

[Did you screw up in high school and now have absolutely no hope for a future anywhere other than the burger joint across the street? I know I did. But then I went to education connection, and got an online degree with money that I don't have, because I work in a burger joint, remember? Now I'm in debt, and it turns out that the economy is so poor right now, that when I wanted an upgrade to cash register and showed my bosses my new degree, they laughed in my face! If I was persuasive enough to get you to sign up in the first 10 seconds of this commercial, good luck to you, sucker. I'm actually a paid actress who's on the fast track to retirement at 30!]

[Do you want toned abs like mine? Well, let me introduce you to the AB Coaster! I'm not too keen on how it works, or even if it works, because I've never personally tried it before, but check out these cool special effects, graphs, and charts that clearly show how great this machine is for your abs! Oh, and take a look at these before and afters! This one is of a frowning fat guy before, and a smiling fat guy sucking in his stomach after! This one is of a frowning fat lady before, and a completely different woman after! This one is of a frowning fat man before, and I'm pretty sure he gets fatter after! You should probably know that this machine is absolutely worthless if you don't follow our strict diet with 8-9 hours of exercise a week on this machine. Do it now, and we'll throw in this free handbag! Why not?]

Jared: Well, it seems like we're just about out of time! It sort of sucks that this commercial advertised everything but this blog, but it was fun, right? Now go to illiter- [Commercial ends due to Aaron's poor time management skills]

Just forget it.