Monday, May 3, 2010

Handling Stress 101

With hundreds of upcoming AP exams, thousands of upcoming college applications, millions of homework assignments, and one hour of sleep in the next year, I know what stress feels like. After waking up in my bathtub at 3:00 AM this morning, shaking and alone, I decided to do something about it. I thought to myself in my deranged state, "If class gives me stress, what should I do about it? Wait, I've got it! Make a class about it!" And "Handling Stress 101" was born.

This entry was originally something that I'd paste on the cover of each of my textbooks, to remind myself of efficient ways to handle stress, but after talking with my best friend - we'll call her Satli Avoldey - I realized that various people live under the same stress from different conditions. Satli got in trouble for being a very, very naughty girl. You see, Satli writes in pen on her wrists, text messages on her phone, and socializes with friends, which is simply intolerable. I mean, this chick is crazy. This one time, she rode a bike in open-toed shoes! When she's not around, people even talk about how she's probably going to have a baby while in wedlock! But for those viewers worried about my relationship with this girl, it's okay. I refuse to let her rebel ways rub off on me.

Miss Avoldey is under the same stress, because her parents have grounded her for these atrocities (and rightly so, I might add). She was so pissed off today, that I saw her accidentally step on a bug during passing period! With the following lesson, not only will I be lessening stress around the world, but hopefully I will be saving wildlife, as well.

Method #1 - Set up a sleeping bag within your home's pantry, find a 2-liter bottle for "disposal" purposes, and then lock yourself in. There's a good chance that your pantry has no lock, because people don't usually need privacy when in a food closet. In the case that there is no lock, hold the door closed with your foot, or a bag of potatoes. If the door opens in an outward function, you are out of luck. Once the door is secured, you have 24 hours to eat everything. It has been proven that while on a mission to blow up your midsection, it's very difficult to stay stressed about school. For those without a pantry but a consistently-high body temperature, the refrigerator is a sensible alternative.

Method #2 - If legally authorized to carry a firearm, go out into the forest and shoot holes into trees. I've heard that people hunt to relieve stress, but we're trying to save the wildlife, remember? I admit I've never tried this, but violence is usually the answer. If you don't have a gun, try kicking, punching, elbowing, head-butting, or biting. Believe me; it will hurt the tree more than it will hurt you. If you don't have a forest, you can attempt the same maneuvers on a cactus. I wish you luck.

Method #3 - Watch House while eating ice cream by the gallon. There's nothing like alleviating your own problems by watching someone else's. Plus that Gregory House is a total hunk. Don't you just love how he's a drug addict, a pervert, and a total a--hole? I can't stand the sarcasm, though.

Method #4 - Smoke a joint. Woah! How did that get there? Smoking is supposed to be a GREAT stress reliever. Like, REALLY TREMENDOUS. You'll be the CHILLEST GUY AROUND. But seriously, don't try it. I think it's bad for your lungs or something.

Method #5 - Drink booze. My gosh! I swear I am not writing this! Alcohol is the answer for most people, but don't try it. I mean it. You'll feel like THE COOLEST GUY IN TOWN, but no. I really don't know why I am unable to control what goes onto my blog.

Method #6 - Ecstasy. Now. What is going on?!?!?! You need to stop reading this blog before it's too late!

Method #7 - Make love to a stranger NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

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