Saturday, August 8, 2009

Passive Aggressive Horoscope

Aries - Today is a big day for you. The successes you have long planned for are coming true. I bet you're really happy about it, too. Yeah, you've done a great job. Really great job by you there. I'm happy for you, but not as happy as you are for yourself. No one is that happy.

Taurus - Be cautious. A relationship you once cherished may be broken. Namely, the one between you and your horoscope reader.

Gemini - Be aware of people's moods. I mean, you usually aren't, but if you could, try to have genuine concerns for others today. They will rely on you for some reason. Maybe take a break out of your perfect life for the unclean once in a while.

Cancer - Wow, you sure are upfront re: your emotions. I guess that's important. I mean, I don't know. In everyday life it's probably not important, but you keep doing what makes you feel good. The accounting office could definitely use a prima donna.

Leo - Life is going great for you. You don't need me.

Virgo - Nothing is going right for you at the moment. Don't worry though, things will change. Not for you, but for the other gajillion people born from August 23rd to September 22nd. By the way, did you know astrology is bullshit?

Libra - You may think otherwise, but trust me, no one cares. I'd label this one 'aggressive' only.

Scorpio - You need to go on vacation. You've earned it? Yeah well, convince yourself you've earned it. Parlay all those hours of listening to sports talk radio and playing freecell into a justification for time off. I'll just be sitting at a computer making your horoscopes all day.

Sagittarius - If you still know how, get intimate with someone, preferably without transaction.

Capricorn - Don't be caught off guard if someone doesn't comment on your haircut today. A lot of people are too busy or vested in reality to notice frivolous things. Don't let it get you down. The office is full of mirrors. Fun fact: You're a bitch.

Aquarius - I would consider you smart, but you are reading horoscopes. That's a definite minus. The elbow tattoo doesn't help either. Oh, and someone in your family is going to die probably.

Pisces - It's going to be a great day. That, or the Apocalypse. I'm wondering if you will even notice.

Three Dimensional REEEEEEEEEEEEvisits

It's the 'it' thing: Movies in three dimensions. "The" Final Destination comes out August 28th, and it is in three dimensions. Your human two dimensions are boring.

If that extra dimension is a gimmick to make otherwise boorish entertainment palatable, then why not add it to good movies? I know, genius right? Genius. I'm not talented enough to express the premise in paragraph form, so here's a list:

The Exorcist - Imagine the projectile vomit coming at you, 0 to 60, and adding to the horror. The key here is not to not fix what's not broken but to give the impression of floating barf. Follow levitating green chuck throughout the cinema.

That's actually the only example I have.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

I'm back

It's good to be back. I can fix this site. Also, the South is just too confusing. I can't stand Rally's being Checkers or whatever. It makes no sense. Here are the highlights of my trip:

  • I saw writing in a gas station bathroom that said something about drinking piss for $50. It was really hard to read, so I'm not exactly sure what it said. It left a phone number, too. I wish I was joking.
  • We stayed in Gainesville for a night. I was so close to Tim Tebow, I could almost taste him.
  • The hotel in Gainesville had a night where you get to eat cookies with the staff. We missed it by one night. One night. One. Why is fate so cruel?
  • Florida has a lot of douchey clothes for sale.
  • I saw a store called BJs. I didn't laugh, surprisingly.
  • Florida has a lot of anti-abortion billboards. A LOT. All the other ones were restaurants where they bare all. Whatever that means.
  • Jared jewelry stores aren't nearly as cool anymore.
  • I saw a billboard that only said "Websites."
  • The house we stayed at had a lot of problems, but it was okay. For some reason, half the blinds in my room were ripped out, so you could totally watch me sleeping.
  • I wonder how close I was to Bigface.
  • They had a creepy picture of a clown in one of the rooms. See below.

Welcome me back with nice comments.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

ESPN Mock Auction Draft Fun, Part Yawn

OMG, it's that time of the month out of the year again. ESPN has opened up their mock auction drafts for football, and I can't walk right now. Hurt myself farming. Here's me:

Team Cambot (J. Cambot) 9:42pm: I pooped my pants

THE ole tried and true icebreaker. I just got Adrian Peterson for $1, BUT IT WAS THE OTHER ADRIAN PETERSON. Oh man, stop me if the laughs destroy your colon.

Team Cambot (J. Cambot) 9:44pm: hey assholes wake up


I just spent $185 of my $200 on Drew Brees.

Team Cambot (J. Cambot) 9:47pm: BOOYA, CHAMPIONSHIP

No one is talking the talk in this league (e.g. internet yellings), so I's join another league with 12 teams instead of 10 teams. Oh boyz to men, IT'S FULL!

Team X (------) 9:51pm: a full squad
Team Y (------) 9:51pm: yeeehaa
Team Y(------) 9:51pm: yaaaahoooo

Team Y (------) 9:52pm: anyone else naked?

Team Z (------) 9:52pm: im drinking

Team X (------) 9:52pm: im high


Team Cambot (J. Cambot) 9:53pm: I just shot up


Team Cambot (J. Cambot) 9:54pm: anyone else skunk, you know, chase the dragon?

.....silence in the chat room now

Team Cambot (J. Cambot) 9:57pm: DON'T LEAVE PISSHEADS

I then nominate Crap Thorpe. Bargain for uno dollah.

Team Douche (H. Douche) 9:57pm: nice nomination..

Not his real name, mind.

Now to really piss them off.

Terrell Owens SOLD to Team Cambot for $185

Team Douche (H. Douche) 10:04pm: lol what was that
Team X (------) 10:04pm: dic
Team R (Tard) 10:04pm: thanks for ruining the draft *******
Team R (Tard) 10:04pm: i'm out
Team G (Andhi) 10:04pm: he loves to


Again, names are either fake or letters to protect the innocent. Hey, can you blame me, I like to get good players....

Team Cambot (J. Cambot) 10:05pm: and make it rain

Well I had my fun, back to whatever it is I do.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Sunday, August 2, 2009

My Beer Summit

The other night I accidentally entered my neighbor's house while he was on vacation. I like to drink there. So, I'm sitting there watching Designing Women when some guy drives up to my house and starts approaching the door. In my stupor, I called the police and told them to apprehend the perp. When the police arrived, I was outside in a robe and scout troop outfit, yelling. Turns out the perp was our neighborhood mail carrier. The mailman, if you will.

Needless to say.

I felt terrible for the false accusation and condemnation. I invited the mailman to a beer at my backyard picnic beer table. Also, if he's down, a hit of smack. He declined. I threatened. He declined and sued. Terms were set, and the terms included him having a beer with me in my backyard. The table had four seats, so I invited Malcolm Jamal Warner and this guy.

We get to drinking and not talking at all. MJW was confused as to why he was there, but it did seem this guy was having a good time. He always seems like he's having a good time. I shared some of the tricks my late cat used to perform for company, impressing no one.

Now is probably a good time to tell you the beer of choice. I serve only the finest Black Label 11-11 Malt Liquor, the beer that tastes like a bear's anus smoking a cigarette. Also, Michelob Ultra because I climb mountains.

The beer summit lasted four minutes. We exacerbated our differences to an infinite degree. In fact, we may fight each other later this week.

Did I mention my mailman was black? I feel terrible that I didn't get along with a black man, because that is racism by definition. My neighbor is also black. Yikes. Move over David Duke.