The timeline of an umpire's life

0 years: He hath been born unto unhappy parents. His early childhood will be dedicated to settling disputes between the feuding elders. The mother will spill hot soup in his eyes at age four. You'd think they might take him to the hospital, but no, they are busy arguing about the number of lamps the living room should have. Tears are the best medicine.

10 years: He goes to the only school that still allows dodgeball. The physically superior kids throw the ball at his eyes...directly at his eyes. They spit on the balls before doing so. He develops hypersensitivity and a fat face.

20 years: College? Who needs that! He works at a fork factory and falls in a vat full of forks. Surprise, the forks don't go in his eyes. When he goes to the hospital, the doctor will spill hot soup in his eyes at age 24. Are you feeling these verb tense disagreements?

30 years: Alas, he's an umpire. George Brett sends him death threats and his wife is a team hotel groupie. A dog attacks him and removes his foveas with surgical precision. He is promoted to crew chief of the umpire tribe.

40 years: This happens.

50 years: Okay, I can give you a pass on throwing out Bobby Cox. No one likes Bobby Cox. In person! (He's great if you keep your distance).

60 years: Says here on your resume that you suck. STRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE. Really? You need to string it out like that? No one is watching you, so quit playing that movie in your dumb brain. Oh, and whichever ump it is that takes forever to call balls and strikes (ON PURPOSE MIND YOU), I hope you just eat one. The games already feel like anesthesia, jerkoff.

As far as letting teams fight, I say let them fight. They're jocks! It just feels right for them to throw flesh. They don't even fight well, anyway. Trot Nixon threw his bat once. Remember that? If you don't remember that, I win this argument.

Why do we need some podunk policing grown men? Hell, emphysema lungs Jim Leyland probably wanted to give the shiv last night. And then, on Baseball Tonight, doogums Karl Ravech starts getting itchy vag over Eric Young explaining the proper way to fight. Did you know Andres Galarraga, the nicest baseball player I or you have ever known or met, once *GASP* charged the mound. I wish I could find video of it, because if Darren Dreifort had not ducked, he would be sans head.

Get a grip, Ravech, they aren't punching toddlers out there. They are punching other dumb baseball players and getting suspended for it. Open and shut case and we'll leave the light on for you.