I just re-found this while fucking around on the internet. Why did nobody confront me about how not-funny I was? I counted on you guys, and it took me until now to realize that you let me down. Thanks for that.
Bitches.

aids

aids

Worst Movie of All Time?

Many people claim to know the worst movie ever, but they are wrong(unless they agree with my selections). Here are some rules: The movies have to be made by semi respectable studios or directors(no Uwe Boll or SyFy original movies) and the movie cannot contain too much unintentional comedy(no Uwe Boll or SyFy original movies) because then the movie can become too entertaining. Let's go!

Pet Sematary

This is a horror movie, yet there's actually not anything scary in this movie. I'm confused. There are, however, tons of scenes where they try to gross you out with really disgusting stuff. OMG, that ghost had his head ripped up! Scary!!!! Oh wait, he's a good guy that's just trying to protect everyone. Then there's the flashbacks, and dear God, these are some crazy flashbacks. Apparently the wife's dead sister had some disease that made her into a monster. It's scary because she's got that messed up back, is greenish, and makes weird sounds. I guess that makes her evil or something. She never killed anyone or did anything evil, but whatever.

This movie is also packed with heartbreaking scenes that would break your heart if you're a 13 year old girl. The negligent parents let their kid get hit by a truck. They're really sad, and you should be, too. The little girl asks if God can bring him back. Awwww? This is called foreshadowing. The director of this movie gets off to foreshadowing.

The movie goes on being effed up, but I feel like I should wrap this up talking about the creepiest part of the movie. Spoilers ahead if you care(you don't). After bringing his son back to life, the father then kills his son and the devil cat because the son just killed his wife and that old guy that doesn't matter. So...at this point the dude knows putting someone in an indian burial ground and bringing them back as zombie things is a stupid idea(go figure), but he decides to bury his wife anyway. Whatever. Well, his wife comes back and something pretty freaky happens. He totally starts tonguing her. Come on man, she's covered in blood and dirt. Make her bathe before you start doing the nasty. I mean, you just re-killed your son and a cat, you can't be that horny.

The Fourth Kind

I've never been a fan of movies that include footage that pretends to be real. Mostly because it's all total crap. This movie takes it to a whole new level. Instead of choosing between pretend real and fake, they go for both. Convolutedness ensues. The majority of the audience knows it's all made up, so there's no need to have the "real" and fake scenes side by side. It's just a mess.

Even if they did take out the real garbage, the movie still has nothing going for it. No scene in this movie really has any purpose. It never really goes anywhere. It kinda just stalls as some sort of mystery that I really don't care about because they gave me no reason to care. No character does anything besides cry or yell. The husband, who only appears in a flashback, has much more depth than any other character because he at least had the decency to kill himself.

Juno(I might've made a post about this earlier)

These guys sure do know the name a of a bunch of hip bands. They're are soooo cool! Vampire Weekend, Sonic Youth, Velvet Underground. Look how hip I am!

Juno sure does talk like she's really funny, but she's actually not. She can still call you coyote ugly or tell you to shut your gob, which is hilarious if you're an obnoxious douche. And she mentioned the Thundercats! That's a reference to a show. It's funny because one usually wouldn't say that when going into labor, but Juno's one crazy character!

I would talk about the other characters, but besides Jennifer Garner and Michael Cera, every other character is just another version of Juno. Full of crazy one-liners that no normal person would ever say. Michael Cera plays Michael Cera. Jennifer Garner is really boring. But hey, Rainn Wilson has a role in the opening scene, which is arguably the worst scene in movie history. This is one doodle that can't be undid, mutant sperm, etc. What the fuck is he talking about?

The sequel(Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist) isn't much better.


These are only thre of the many, many possibilities out there. Listing them all would take years. Feel free to add your own below...

Handling Stress 101

With hundreds of upcoming AP exams, thousands of upcoming college applications, millions of homework assignments, and one hour of sleep in the next year, I know what stress feels like. After waking up in my bathtub at 3:00 AM this morning, shaking and alone, I decided to do something about it. I thought to myself in my deranged state, "If class gives me stress, what should I do about it? Wait, I've got it! Make a class about it!" And "Handling Stress 101" was born.

This entry was originally something that I'd paste on the cover of each of my textbooks, to remind myself of efficient ways to handle stress, but after talking with my best friend - we'll call her Satli Avoldey - I realized that various people live under the same stress from different conditions. Satli got in trouble for being a very, very naughty girl. You see, Satli writes in pen on her wrists, text messages on her phone, and socializes with friends, which is simply intolerable. I mean, this chick is crazy. This one time, she rode a bike in open-toed shoes! When she's not around, people even talk about how she's probably going to have a baby while in wedlock! But for those viewers worried about my relationship with this girl, it's okay. I refuse to let her rebel ways rub off on me.

Miss Avoldey is under the same stress, because her parents have grounded her for these atrocities (and rightly so, I might add). She was so pissed off today, that I saw her accidentally step on a bug during passing period! With the following lesson, not only will I be lessening stress around the world, but hopefully I will be saving wildlife, as well.

Method #1 - Set up a sleeping bag within your home's pantry, find a 2-liter bottle for "disposal" purposes, and then lock yourself in. There's a good chance that your pantry has no lock, because people don't usually need privacy when in a food closet. In the case that there is no lock, hold the door closed with your foot, or a bag of potatoes. If the door opens in an outward function, you are out of luck. Once the door is secured, you have 24 hours to eat everything. It has been proven that while on a mission to blow up your midsection, it's very difficult to stay stressed about school. For those without a pantry but a consistently-high body temperature, the refrigerator is a sensible alternative.

Method #2 - If legally authorized to carry a firearm, go out into the forest and shoot holes into trees. I've heard that people hunt to relieve stress, but we're trying to save the wildlife, remember? I admit I've never tried this, but violence is usually the answer. If you don't have a gun, try kicking, punching, elbowing, head-butting, or biting. Believe me; it will hurt the tree more than it will hurt you. If you don't have a forest, you can attempt the same maneuvers on a cactus. I wish you luck.

Method #3 - Watch House while eating ice cream by the gallon. There's nothing like alleviating your own problems by watching someone else's. Plus that Gregory House is a total hunk. Don't you just love how he's a drug addict, a pervert, and a total a--hole? I can't stand the sarcasm, though.

Method #4 - Smoke a joint. Woah! How did that get there? Smoking is supposed to be a GREAT stress reliever. Like, REALLY TREMENDOUS. You'll be the CHILLEST GUY AROUND. But seriously, don't try it. I think it's bad for your lungs or something.

Method #5 - Drink booze. My gosh! I swear I am not writing this! Alcohol is the answer for most people, but don't try it. I mean it. You'll feel like THE COOLEST GUY IN TOWN, but no. I really don't know why I am unable to control what goes onto my blog.

Method #6 - Ecstasy. Now. What is going on?!?!?! You need to stop reading this blog before it's too late!

Method #7 - Make love to a stranger NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

{The author of this blog post has terminated this blog's content}

NCAA Tournament Picks with Ridiculously Limited Insight - Thursday

BYU (7) over Florida (10) - That Fredette fool is a beast. And I really don't know why Florida is even in the tournament. This pick came with much hesitation, because BYU has lost their last seven first-round tournament games. I was also hesitant because of my ridiculously limited insight.

Notre Dame (6) over Old Dominion (11) - I don't think this will be the blowout that some are expecting. Notre Dame is highly overrated at almost everything they do. Watching ODU beat Georgetown brings great hesitation (as does my ridiculously limited insight), but I think that Notre Dame takes this one now that they have Harangody back.

Villanova (2) over Robert Morris (15) - This doesn't require much explanation, or too much limited insight. I would like to inject, however, that Villanova seems like a team built around the tournament. As a matter of fact, I was the only one of my group of tournament friends who had Nova in the Final Four last year. Who knew 12 guards could be so effective?

Vanderbilt (4) over Murray State (13) - I wanted this to be an upset so badly, but I just couldn't pull the trigger. I'd say it's a good 60-40 shot in favor of Vanderbilt, making this the most feasible 4-13 upset apart from Siena over Purdue (which I suppose isn't saying much). Vanderbilt has strength from beyond the arc, and probably won't expose Murray State's lack of size. This is far too difficult for my ridiculously limited insight to handle.

Kansas State (2) over North Texas (15) - I have Kansas State in the Final Four for two of my five brackets. Sorry Kenny. Despite my ridiculously limited insight, I have little faith in the Orange.

Baylor (3) over Sam Houston State (14) - I have Baylor in the final four for one of my five brackets, and I can't really explain why. Maybe something to do with the insight.

Richmond (7) over St. Mary's (10) - By now, you have observed my limited insight, and it would appear as if I'm taking all of the top seeds. According to ESPN, however, I'm taking the team with 40% chances to win. I find the Atlantic 10 to be mildly underrated. Also, spiders scare Jared.

UTEP (12) over Butler (5) - Despite all the hype surrounding Cornell from the worldwide leader in sports, I like UTEP best for my 5-12 upset. Both have been very hot for the last couple of months, but I think that in the end, C-USA is the most under-appreciated conference of the two. Because I am under the age of 18, I am therefore a miner, so UTEP appeals to me and my limited insight all the more.

UNLV (8) over Northern Iowa (9) - I am in the minority with this pick (not racist), but I'm decently confident. Well, as confident as one can be with an 8-9 match-up and such ridiculously limited insight. Northern Iowa is a good team, but they haven't played a single game against a top-25 team, while UNLV has played nine.

Kentucky (1) over E Tenn St. (16) - E Tenn St. winning this game would be like the Chargers making the playoffs after a 4-8 start over the once 8-4 Broncos. I'd castrate myself if either of these happened.

Marquette (6) over Washington (11) - The Pac-10 really sucked this year, and I have no faith in the two teams that made it to get past the first round. I live in the west, so my ridiculously limited insight is only moderately limited in this case.

Georgetown (3) over Ohio (14) - I have Georgetown making the Elite Eight a few times in my brackets, but they are unfortunately paired with Kansas, so they make it no further. Ohio really shouldn't be a problem, though. A definite step up from last year.

Kansas (1) over Lehigh (16) - I wrestled with this one for hours. I'm still not really sure. Basically the flip of a coin. Well, after someone invents a one-sided coin.

Texas (8) over Wake Forest (9) - There is less talent in this match-up than in the 8-9 NCAA Women's game. I can honestly say that I don't think either of these teams would win the NIT. I'm just going to go with Texas after seeing WF lose to Cleveland St. last year as a 4-seed. Like, seriously. This game sucks.

New Mexico (3) over Montana (14) - Admittedly, I didn't pick any 14s, 15s, or 16s to win in the first round this year. This is the only 3-14 match-up that I've heard worries about from my even less-informed friends. New Mexico is a greatly underrated team (not by the rank, which I found rather generous, but just by the underrepresentation in sports talk) that I don't actually have going that far, but didn't think twice about with my first round pick.

Tennessee (6) over San Diego State (11) - In my opinion, too many people are jumping at the opportunity to take SDSU as their primary 6-11 upset pick. I did those wusses one better, and took Minnesota over Xavier. A Tennessee fan I am not, but I really don't think San Diego State is all it's cracked up to be, in accordance to my ridiculously limited insight.

Random Top Ten Lists

I guess you guys all died, so I am going to post random top ten lists...


Top Ten Comedy Shows That Aired During My Lifetime(or are currently airing)
1.The Simpsons
2.Seinfeld
3.Arrested Development
4.The Office(US)
5.NewsRadio
6.Curb Your Enthusiasm
7.Mr. Show With Bob and David
8.The Office(UK)
9.South Park
10.It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

Honorable Mentions: 30 Rock, Human Giant, Ed, MST3K, Malcom In The Middle(guilty pleasure?), Futurama, Frisky Dingo, King Of The Hill(guilty pleasure?)

Shows That Need More Time: Community, Parks and Recreation, Archer, Modern Family

Top Ten Worst Comedy Shows That Aired During My Lifetime(or are currently airing)
1. Friends
2.American Dad
3.Family Guy
4.Mind of Mencia
5.Entourage
6.Two and a Half Men
7.The Cleveland Show
8.Big Bang Theory
9. Home Improvement
10. Jersey Shore


Top Ten Best Active Bands
1.Radiohead
2.Grizzly Bear
3.Animal Collective
4.Arcade Fire
5.Yeah Yeah Yeahs
6.Fleet Foxes
7.Sigur Ros
8.The White Stripes
9. Wilco
10. The Knife


Top Ten Best "Positions(if you know what I mean)"
1.SS
2.CF
3.C
4.2B
5.P
6.3B
7.RF
8.LF
9.1B
10.DH

Top Ten Best Colors
1.Blue
2.White
3.Red
4.Green
5.Orange
6.Gold
7.Yellow
8.Violet
9.Pink
10.Black

Top Ten Worst People In The World
1.Fred Phelps
2.Seth MacFarlane
3.Dane Cook
4.Pat Robertson
5.Bill O'Reilly
6.Keith Olbermann
7.Carlos Mencia
8.Michael Cera
9.Jay Leno
10.The Pope

Top Ten Letters
1.J
2.R
3.N
4.E
5.K
6.R
7.A
8.D
9.P
10.U

Top Ten Coen Bros Movies
1.Barton Fink
2.O Brother, Where Art Thou?
3.Fargo
4.The Big Lebowski
5.The Man Who Wasn't There
6.A Serious Man
7.Blood Simple
8.Miller's Crossing
9.Burn After Reading
10.No Country For Old Men

Top Ten Video Games of My Lifetime
1.Fallout 3
2.Resident Evil 2
3.Bioshock
4.Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace(the movie really sucked, but killing everyone in Mos Eisley is probably the most fun I've had while playing a video game)
5.Portal
6.Resident Evil 4
7.The Sims
8.Medal of Honor
9.Left 4 Dead
10.Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

Top Ten Top Ten Lists
1.Top Ten Top Ten List
2.Top Ten Best "Positions(if you know what I mean)"
3.Top Ten Comedy Shows That Aired During My Lifetime(or are currently airing)
4.Top Ten Worst Comedy Shows That Aired During My Lifetime(or are currently airing)
5.Top Ten Worst People In The World
6.Top Ten Active Bands
7.Top Ten Video Games of My Lifetime
8.Top Ten Coen Bros Movies
9. Top Ten Letters
10.Top Ten Best Colors

MINI DADDY!!!!1!11!uno!

Pass it on to all your friends. The new biggest thing has just been discovered.

Shut up, Jeremy

This is the worst article ever.

It's very clear that Page 2 of ESPN has no editor, or it's Bill Simmons and he finds this garbage entertaining. DJ Gallo needs to right every article and everyone else should probably just leave. That's my professional advice. As we all know, people who believe in Sports Karma are total fucking morons that need to shut up(but I know a pretty hot girl that believes in karma, so there's that), what you probably didn't know is that they have a site for it. No joke. Let's get started...

Is bad karma going to bite the Indianapolis Colts where the sun doesn't shine on Saturday night, when they host the Baltimore Ravens in the second round of the NFL playoffs?

No, but they could lose because the Ravens are a really good team. You call it karma, I call it Ray Rice.

Lawrence Spencer, founder of sportskarma.com,

Which is a site that looks like it was designed by a third grader. Seriously, I feel like I'm obligated to warn you before you click that link. The awfulness of that site's design may blind you forever.

not only expects it will happen, he hopes it will happen.

I'm sure he hopes for a lot of incredibly childish things. The creator of this site can't be over 6, right?

"They have some heavy karma stacked against them," Spencer, 63,

OMYGOD! This guy's 63?!?!? What the $%#@ $#&*$ $*#&@* $(%%*$#(@!

said from his Sacramento home. "They betrayed their own fans in Indianapolis

Yeah, it would've been a lot better if Reggie Wayne had died like Wes Welker. Resting vs. Starting is a pointless debate that I don't feel like entering, but neither side is completely wrong.

just as they once betrayed the city of Baltimore.

You could also say that the city betrayed him by not going to the games. You know, if you weren't a complete idiot. I guess the Colts owner should've stayed in a city that didn't support the team. Wait, how did the current Colts players have anything to do with this?

If you are good to people, good things happen to you.

Keep in mind, this is something only five years old believe. This guy is 63. If we've learned anything from the awesome Coen Bros movies, it's that bad things happen to good people for no reason at all. It's just life.

But if you're a jerk, it will bite you in the ass."

HEY! WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!!! Do you want the Karma Police(sidenote:Radiohead is a good band) to take you down?

Are the Colts jerks?

Are you seriously this terrible of a writer?

Let's review:

• Colts' Most Recent Betrayal: They started this season 14-0, and in their second-to-last game they led the New York Jets 15-10 early in the third quarter. That's when coach Jim Caldwell yanked MVP quarterback Peyton Manning and other key starters to protect them from injury. The Jets rallied to win 29-15, ending the Colts' chances of a perfect 16-0 regular season and becoming the first 19-0 Super Bowl champions.

But it didn't end their chance of winning the Super Bowl. Remember, according to ESPN, the only way to judge QBs is by their Super Bowl titles. This is why Trent Dilfer is >>> Dan Marino.

• The Baltimore Betrayal: On March 29, 1984, 15 Mayflower Transit trucks pulled into the Baltimore Colts' training complex at 2 a.m. to load up all the team's equipment and transport it to Indianapolis. Yes, the Colts sneaked out of Baltimore in the middle of the night.

That last line was for people that don't know anything about the NFL, like the author of this article and his 63 year old friend.

Is that a karmic debt long unpaid?

If karma was a force in sports, wouldn't the debt be paid in the 2006-2007 season? You know, when the Colts went into Baltimore during the playoffs and won. And then went on to win the Super Bowl.

If so, a loss on Saturday to the underdog Ravens (who once were the Cleveland Browns, but let's not get into that)

Because that would make your article look even dumber.

would go a long way toward evening the score.

But that was a quarter-century ago.

So, now you're admitting it has no relevance? Bold move.

Let's get back to last month, and the Colts' throwing away their shot at perfection.

"It might have been the last chance for a team to have a perfect season,"

Considering the Patriots were perfect and the Saints came close this season, I doubt that very much.

said Spencer.

Oh, this is the quote by the old guy that's never watched football.

"The betrayal of their fans, their players and the NFL in general was so blatant because they don't even have a backup quarterback."

Either this was a bad attempt at a stupid joke, or he really doesn't watch football.

(Well, technically they do, although Curtis Painter's family probably doesn't brag about it.)

Well, he's technically an NFL QB making a lot of money, so they probably do.

Do you believe in the concept of karma?

It's a perfectly fine concept accepted by some religions, but using it in sports is really stupid.

Did the Curse of the Bambino really exist?

No.

Is there a cosmic accountant who keeps tabs on what we do and makes sure our spreadsheet balances in the end?

Spencer had one final reminder about karma in the world of sports: "Look at Tiger Woods. It always catches up with you."

Except Tiger Woods is actually a total douche. He actually did things that good humans don't do. He's actually a bad person. I keep saying "actually" to reinforce the point, or maybe I'm just a really repetitive writer. It's not like he blew some pointless tournament to be ready for the big tournament(not really sure what it's called, don't care). He slept with every bartender(or waitress, or sailor or something[remember, I don't care]) in America.

That was kinda fun.

Anger Rankings: Rihanna Songs Part 2

"Rihanna Sucks" - Ray Charles' last words

5. Disturbia - More like DisturBIATCH. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat. Important lyric: "Am I scaring you tonight?" Yeah, with the forehead.

4. Umbrella - Important lyric: "In the dark, you can't see shiny cars." That's why I'd like you to walk in the street. Wow, this is getting downright mean. Blame ESPN. "Coming up on ESPN Rihanna's entire album during Wizards-T'Wolves highlights! I'm Linda Cohn and I love the Yankees!"

3. Rehab - What, for music? You could use that clinic. Use it but good. Important lyric: "I don't want to smoke on these cigarettes no more." Why not? You could get a complete laryngectomy and make my day.

2. Russian Roulette - No comment.

1. Breakin' Dishes - How odd? I would buy a complete album of dishbreaking over even a free a download of one of your songs. How does that make you feel, Rihanna? Three bucks short of $25 million I bet.

Anger Rankings: Rihanna Songs Part 1 (I'm that lazy)

10. Take a Bow - More like Take a Bowel Movement, am I correct? Important lyric: "You look so dumb right now." So do you, forehead face. Blah boys blah relationships blah world's biggest bangs blah. Try acting and fail at that.

9. Shut up and Drive - Where we going? Off a cliff? I'll do the world a favor and take the wheel. Important lyric: "And a gangsta lean." I know bankers who are more gangster, and I don't mean "bankahs." People who went to school to learn how to bank.

8. Hate that I Love You - Well I love that I hate you. It's really a fantastic feeling that keeps my day going.

7. Don't Stop The Music - Important lyric: "Just let the music play." On order from the United States Government we order you to cease and desist "the music." FYI: I don't have a problem with Rihanna from the voicebox down. TMI?

6. S.O.S. - Songs of shit. Winner