Saturday, October 31, 2009

5 Things That You've Probably Already Planned To Do This Halloween

1. As a middle-aged man/woman/man-woman, dress up like a boy/girl/boy-girl for Halloween, and go door-to-door collecting candy, regardless of whether or not you have children. Perhaps tag along with an unsuspecting family to minimize absolute awkwardness. Once the parents of the children send their children to the front door of 'House X', this is your cue to go with them, ring the doorbell, and scream trick-or-treat. The kindly old grandmother who answers the door will usually take a while to reminisce about her days as a carefree child.

Grandmother: Why, aren't you adorable! What are you?
Kid #001: I'm CINDERELLA.
Grandmother: Oh, I remember when Cinderella was MY favorite princess!
Kid #001: Well, she's MINE now!
[This is where Kid #001 and Grandma begin to slug each other over who's favorite Cinderella REALLY is. Grandmother usually wins with "experience points".]
Grandmother: Oh, and look at you! What are you, Kid number zero zero two?
Kid #002: I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Tutle!
Grandmother: Mutant Ninja Turtle? Why, I used to love those little fellas!
[After the can of whoop-astronaut Grandma just unleashed on Cinderella, this is quite believable.]
Grandmother: And what are you? A child pretending to be an adult pretending to be a child?
You: Just give me the kandy, you old bat.
Grandmother: You spelled candy wrong, sunny! But I can understand. You're just an innocent child!
You: Have you lost your mind, grams?!? This is dialogue!
[Grandmother has figured you out before you even conceived this idiotic idea, because Grandma just knows. Her grammar correction has only served as a decoy while she sics her 27 cats on you. The state has sued Grandma for one account of both child abuse and murder by cat, but Grandma has pleaded not guilty because "I'm a grandma". Just like a bad video game or those terrible "Choose your own adventure!" stories, "You're dead. Try again."]

2. If for whatever reason you have unearthly stamina powers, ding-dong-ditch every house in your neighborhood twice before the trick-and-treaters start taking candy from people. If my research has taught me anything, it's that they probably won't answer for the rest of the night, and all the little kids in your neighborhood will hate you. But that's what you wanted anyways, right? The script to this scenario usually ends in a hostile mob of children who corner you in the park and order you take off your pants, just for the heck of it. In attempts to sway the attention of the mob, you shout something like "HEY LOOK OVER THERE! ITS A BIG ORANGE DISTRACTION!" If only you had been able to experience the art of the decoy, as provided by grandma in scenario one,  perhaps you would have been able to point out some candy in the grass, or an entire pillowcase of candy up a tree. Nevertheless, your sorry excuse for a distraction has worked (foolish children), and you're home free for the next 3 seconds. You run to the house nearest by and beg the owners to let you in, but they won't answer, silly goose! Member why? You member.

3. Watch the Oregon and USC game. If you're out trick-but-treating, watch it anyway. I'm personally dressing up as a future robot thing, or at least that's what I'm calling it. It's pretty much an excuse to strap a television to my torso, also known as my "future suit". The television I hope to bring weighs maybe 200 pounds, so if you choose to take this advice, and you wake up the next morning without a back, please don't sue. I should think that watching such a good game would be worth the harmless cramps.

4. Watch a horror movie. This is probably a bad idea, because typically when you watch a horror movie on Halloween, you go through a real-life experience twice as horrible. Or at least that's what happens in all of the horror movies.

If you decide to watch a scene in which a man busts through the front door of the house with a chainsaw, then at that very instant, a man may break through with two chainsaws. He may even break a window once he's inside, just to piss you off.

Perhaps in another scene, the man is under the bed, and swings his baseball bat to hit the bottom of the bed, which scares the main character out of his/her/his-her wits. In your case, you'll be laying on a see-through cot (Not sure why you chose to sleep there in the first place, but people do really stupid things in these movies). Then the creeper under your bed hits you the same way, only with his new-found mace club, and without an actual "bottom" between him and you.

Or maybe you watch the Oregon and USC game, and USC wins. Lucky for you, there is nothing in this world that would be twice as horrible.

5. Lately, I've been practicing my candy hand-outing skills so that I don't embarrass myself in front of the children, and it was during my training that I came to a Halloween realization. There is no risk in trick-yet-treating. Either nobody answers your doorbell ring, or you get candy. I mean, maybe there's an occasional razor blade in your tootsie pop, or some polyurethane  mixed into your Laffy Taffy (although the jokes on the wrapper cause more damage than the actual tainted candy), buy those stories are few and far between. This is my proposition. Dress up as anything (if my television idea doesn't work, I'll probably wear a paper bag over my head). You will stay home, and wait by the front door. When the kids show up, you open the door and scream TRICK-OR-TREAT! The kids will be mildly confused, so just take some candy from each of their baskets, and explain to them how they've just landed on the whammy house. At the whammy house, you actually lose candy, so that trick-or-treating is more of a game of chance. You're actually doing the children a favor, because they might not learn the value of risk until it's too late. Happy Halloween, suckers.

Friday, October 30, 2009


Where you at, sloozy? Your boy done gone another 0-4 with 3 Ks. Did you floozy the clutch out of him, you haggy bag of bones?

Speaking of clutch, congratulations to Andre Ethier for winning Pepsi's Everyone's a Dipshit Clutchity Clutch award.

Wanna see something funny? Okay. Here's Andre Ethier's numbers this year for innings 7-9:

.260/.371/.418, 5HRs, 32 RBIs, 21 runs in 210 plate appearances.

Here's Matt Kemp's:

.349/.406/.579, 9HRs, 37 RBIs, 31 runs in 217 plate appearances.

Proving once and for all that Pepsi is a racist corporation.

(I know Ethier had better numbers in extra innings. You don't have to tell me. Keep getting boners over 24 plate appearances, racist pepsi.)

McDonalds Cuts and Runs In Battle For Obesity in Iceland

REYKJAVIK (Yourmother) The battle for population control ceded a front in Iceland this week, as McDonalds corporation of America announced plans to pull up all offensive positions and retreat from the struggling island nation. "In terms of supplying weaponry, economic factors begin to combine with relatively low mortality and obesity rates to force our hand" McDonalds Brigadier General Michael McKerns said yesterday "We force all units to resupply all items in our arsenal from a central armory in Germany... the financial costs became unbearable" "Besides", he continued, "The people of Iceland are generally fit and our presence there was largely an astroturf movement anyway... let's focus our priorities on larger goals" Front line soliders were largely disappointed, "I'll miss slowly poisoning our regulars... I always looked forward to the sounds of arteries slowly clogging." said CSR Specialist Stacey O'Connell. Customers lined up around the block for a last chance at the poison pill. "I've never eaten here but heard I can keep their french fries unfrozen for up to ten years. That way, if the economy here continues to flush down the toilet we can survive off of those." When told of statements like these, Gen. McKerns had little to say, only offering thanks for small victories.

The Real News

Thursday, October 29, 2009


Your boy went 0-4 with 3 Ks in the oh so pivotal Game One. Did you know that 11 of the last 12 Game One winners have gone on to win the World Series? Don't look that up. Corroborating is for losers. 100% of Game Seven winners go on to win the World Series. Suck facts, you.

Why did I capitalize game one?

I didn't watch the game. It was on at the bar, but when Cliff Lee is dealing, it's a foregone conclusion. Did he really need to throw 122 pitches, though? I know he's good for it, but 106 through eight with a 6-0 lead seems like a night's work. I should never question Charlie Manuel because he coaches with "his gut." Cannot question a man's gut. It's full of gutsy gut grit.

Anyway, what he did was stupid.

(Guts can't be stupid.) They can just be full of blackish gut juice and pepsin. Charlie was like: "Hey gut, what should I done? Leave him out there or send in Brett Myers for giggles? I know, I'll leave him out there. Say gut, do you like gumbo?"

His gut is full of gumbo.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


The site isn't letting me embed the video, so you'll have to click on it.

So you're a reporter for WGN in Chicago and you want to get some man on the street interviews
for a UFO story. How can you not go up to the guy who looks like he's coming off of mushrooms?
What a nugget of TV gold. The funniest part to me are the google ads that are associated with 
the video. The #1 match?

Colitis Symptoms
Experiencing UC Symptoms? Learn More About It Here & Take The Quiz.

from wikipedia

Colitis is a chronic digestive disease characterized by inflammation of the colon.

Colitis is one of a group of conditions which are inflammatory and auto-immune, affecting the tissue that lines the gastrointestinal system (the large and small intestine). It is classed as an inflammatory bowel disease (IBD), not to be confused with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).

The headline of is 

"If you are living with ulcerative colitis, you are not alone

Obvious connection really, if you dig a little deeper.

Ad #2? 

Uncover The Truth

Learn to Jump and Meet Aliens in Other Dimensions

Uncover the truth? Learn to jump and meet aliens in other dimensions? You mean I could actually, say, Leap, Quantumly speaking? Into other dimensions? Holy crap, I have to check that out.

Burt Goldman Presents

Quantum Jumping

The inter-dimensional quest for a better you

Holy crap, so not only am I Quantum Leaping.. err, jumping, into other dimensions, I'm also improving myself? Helping myself? Self helping myself? What a service! This man, Burt Goldman is truly a saint. He's helping me meet aliens and (and women too, I'm sure, with all this cool as ice quantum jumping talk, women are sure to be crawling all over me)

For only $97 you can own a 6 CD set detailing how to take charge of your life, learn to walk without a cane, become young again, do the age reversing alpha exercises, quantum leap (err, jump) inter dimensions, send testimonials to Burt, learn to paint, learn to sing, learn to fuck again! (like you were ever any good at it before you landed on QuantamJumping

This product will truly change your life! And Good ole Burt even talked his miserly publisher into selling it to you for less! Not $397, not $297, not even $197! (and do you think the use of the numerological fav #7 was an accident? This is a sign that Burt is a true mystic powerhouse. 

Just an example of all the fun you can have with google ads. And somedays, like today, you may land on something that changes your life. 

Now I have to go, I'm giving Burt my bank account numbers on the other line.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Yankees Phillies Oh boy Part Two

When A-Rod wins the whole thing, all the deceased True Yankees will arise from their graves and hunt him down like zombies and kill him. That is all.

Yankees Phillies Oh boy

I cannot wait for this crap.

The prospect of Nick Swisher giving a post game interview, as the champagne kills the very few brain cells he has left, telling me it took one game at a time. That's right, at any point in time you are, by rule, forced to play one game. There are no split squads in the playoffs. Your statement is resounding in its truth. I do hope a bus hits your bus on the way out, though.

Camera pans to Kate Hudson! Is there a more useless person than Kate Hudson? It's pretty much "Almost Famous" and a bucket of poison. Now she's going out with Alex Luthor. (Like that, I've worked on it all month. I decided to go with it even though Alex Luthor was Lex Luthor's son in comic book lore. No worries, only queers read comic books. No offense. To the literates.)

Joe Buck trying to impress us. He is really trying to impress us with his voice, knowledge and ability to relate what is happening on the field to something not immediately happening on the field. He brings ear atrophy. Not to be outdone by Tim McCarver, who is literally a mummy. I hate them both like Bubonic plague aids.

Predictions: Yankees in six. Pedro sucking and big deals being made. Bullpens sucking. A Kidrock performance.