Saturday, August 22, 2009

More LLWS "Insight"

I was watching Chula Vista versus Kentucky (don't quote me on the teams involved or the transpirings).

I love it when the kids wear eye black. It serves as a makeshift tear test to show you just how much they've cried. When Chula Vista lead 14-0, one of the Kentucky kids had eye black draining down his chin. Hey champ, embrace the mercy of the ten run rule and maybe be older and take bull semen like the Chula Vista team. (Kinda throwing around accusations here......but they were totally on something, especially the one kid named Luke "extra hormones in the milk" Martinez)

Then one player, and I won't name him (cause I forgot), listed his favorite athlete as Tim Tebow. No, no, it happened. I know! He was also tweaky and didn't have his uniform fully buttoned. Kids and old people are the punchlines of the human race.

Now allow me to type more right things. You ever notice how the teams closest in proximity to cheap steroids and questionably aging youngsters seem to win? If not, take note of that in the future.

Also, take this note: "Don't watch LLWS around people who like it while drunk at a bar. Who in the hell are these losers? Is this shit the new World Series of Poker? God, don't get me started on that. I mean, poker? I know there's probably skill in the decision making than most pessimists lead you to believe, but IT'S A G.D. CARD GAME ON TELEVISION. WHAT CHANGES FROM YEAR TO YEAR? Bring back the XFL, I say. Or televise minor league baseball. If you know someone who watches card games on TV, they are a fat person. Oh look...look! That one guy had a flush. Here's a flush *flushes bidet with figurative turd in it* What's next? Piano recitals. Piano recitals are next."


What's the difference between the WNBA and Little League Baseball?

Ground Rules: No one likes the WNBA.

But the more and more I bash little league baseball, the more dirty looks I get. What is the difference?

We're talking about sports being played poorly due to physical liabilities. One due to the physical weakness of women, the other due to subpar coordination during child development.

And why do my co-workers like watching children cry? I almost want to call protective services. They may be playing out a little league conquest at the dinner table, complete with irreparable psychological damage due to the outcome of a meaningless baseball game. Remember who won the 1986 World Series? Of course you do. Remember who won the 2008 Little League World Series? If you do, stop reading.

Here's the part of the post where you're thinking "He must've had a bad experience with Little League and he's just bitter." Well, yes and no. I hated Little League, but I knew I would hate it going in. It was pretty much a "let's get this over with" hate and not a "how many epithets can my dad shout at the other team while they bat and where is his shirt" hate. Hey kids, losing this game you play so poorly makes all the difference in the way your parents view you. Oh, national television too. Now go out there and shit your pants.

So when someone bashes the WNBA, while extolling the virtues of little league baseball in the same breath, see if you can get them fired for having snuff films on their hard drive.

The Less You Know *asteroid*

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

As the only person who hasn't typed anything about Brett Favre or Michael Vick, let's do this

Hello. I am the only person on the planet who hasn't publicly weighed in on either Michael Vick or Brett Favre.

I will start with Michael Vick. Guys, dog fighting is wrong, but he has done his time, and he should be allowed to get a job in the NFL. When football players like Michael Vick pay their dues, they have earned the right to rejoin the league, even though in this case fighting dogs is immoral. That's a given. And really, justice was served and Vick's punishment was levied. Don't dog fight. Jobs are to be had. Football players who do illegal things can rejoin society, as well as rejuvenate their playing careers. Making dead dogs is not right, nor is it morally kosher. But if you do make dead dogs, be a good athlete, and you'll get your comeuppance against the man. Don't get me wrong, but do get dogfighting wrong, because it is. WRONG. Then again, daddy needs to eat, and dog meat just doesn't fill daddy's filet mignon stomach. To eat, daddy needs to get out of prison and get that paper. Dogs are helpless creatures who could kill you if you drop your hat, thus completing the phrase "drop of a hat." Fighting them is not cool, but try to do it discreetly enough that you can keep your job. Pay off your debt to society and remember that canine murder is impolite, putting it lightly.

I will end with Brett Favre. Drop dead, hillbilly.



Opie sent me a personal tweet! HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I MEANT? I was scared shitless, so I just replied "go tiger". I am shy.