Saturday, October 17, 2009

Don't watch Around the Horn,0,2132709.column?page=2

I dare you to read that hunk o'shit.

Don't want to? Here are the last two lines:

"The little things. The fighting things.

The destiny things."

It was Game Two of the NLCS. The Dodgers split at home, LOSING HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE. HOW IS THAT DESTINY? It's their destiny to lose the series?

Bill Plaschke couldn't pass a high school composition class. It's his destiny to vomit on newspaper.

This article. Is Destiny.

And can we shut up about Pedro? The Phillies win if Chase Utley doesn't crap himself. There.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


Below is a general hosting instruction sheet that covers just about every episode I've ever seen.

  • Bring in contestant that claims to have unusual psychic powers, or just acts unusual. Level-headedness makes for terrible TV.
    • Requirements for selection:
      • They must think that they have a better chance than all the previous contestants on the show.
      • They must be related to three (3) people just as idiotic.
      • Whatever interviews they take prior to participation must offer undeniable proof that they're complete tools.
    • Contestant prep:
      • Ridiculous attire is the most appropriate. Turbans are optional, as are Crocs, ten gallon hats, and grass skirts (unless the contestant is a woman).
      • Treat the contestant to a few drinks before the show. The drinks may be expensive, because the contestant's sobriety will cost the show much more.
  • Introduce the contestant. Ask them a few questions that only serve to further their appearance of a half-wit before opening random cases.
  • Open the first six cases
    • As the host, make irrelevant, wayward connections to each number.
      • Case number 4? Why, that's the number of children our last contestant had!
      • Case number 10? That's the number of toes on your feet, isn't it?
      • Case number 16? Did you know that 16 is the atomic weight of the oxygen we're breathing RIGHT NOW?!?!
    • Upon the contestant picking the number, call the case girl by a girly name (preferably her own), but if you can't remember her name, any girly name.
      • Case number 4? (Aw man, I'm drawing a blank.) CASSSSSSANDRA!
      • Case number 10? (Crap. Not Again!) NATAAAAALIA!
      • Case number 16? (Wait, do I know this?) AGNES? (Naw, that's not right...)
    • Call for a commercial break between the 2nd and 3rd cases. Why not?
  • Pretend to talk to the banker for a minute or so, and then say the first insult that comes to your tongue, preceded by "The Banker just said...". Then announce the amount of money (which is the only thing the banker actually told you anyways) with conviction and drastic emphasis. Try not to laugh at their disappointment.
  • Proceed through the rounds, and the contestant's stupidity should take care of the rest. Once the decisions involve more money (because the 30k the "banker" offered the first time was just a drop in the bucket), bring out the contestant's tool bag of a family. Bribe them each with $50 to say "NO DEAL!" to every deal and any deal. They're probably too stupid to realize that 50 < 1,000,000, which is exactly why they're on this show in the first place.
  • Sentimental time! 750k in one box, a dollar in the second, and a penny in the third. Let's offer 600,000 dollars, just to spice it up. By all logical standards, this deal is a no-brainer, so let's bring in senile grandpa to keep this round alive!
    • Have the handyman on set wheel in the television set, on which there is a live feed from Grandpa's hospital room. It's so sad how little he knows!
    • The nurse in his room (who is actually a suitcase girl with absolutely no background in the medical field) shakes Grandpa alive. It's a gosh darn shame Grandpa's mind is back in the 50s!
      • "Should I take the money, Grandpa?"
      • "NO DEAL!" Grandpa says with perfect coherence before passing out in his bed. He's been rehearsing that line all week, and you'd be a jerk not to accept his ill-conceived advice.
      • "NO DEAL HOWIE!!!"
  • Oooooh... Grandpa was wrong. Agnes opens case 16, which is appropriately valued at 750,000. It's OK though. No amount of money could ever serve to justify the breaking of Grandpa's heart.
  • Now we're left with just a dollar and a penny, but we're very generous here at Deal or No Deal, so the offer stands at $5. At least you can pay for the gas you spend getting home. Wait, "NO DEAL" you say? And now it's only just that your lucky case that you've held through this tragic experience holds the dollar --not the penny-- and you've walked out a winner after all! It's been just another round of DEAL...................................
  • or No Deal!

Monday, October 12, 2009