Saturday, July 11, 2009

Music Review: Peter Gammons "Never Slow Down, Never Grow Old"

Peter Gammons is a great whatever. He had an aneurysm.

His CD supports a great cause, barring a perusal of their annual report, the "Foundation to be Named Later". Check out these knockout beneficiaries. Damn, if that doesn't help you sleep at night, take 25 Xanax because I'm a doctor.

So he's a good dude who says dumb things like: "Nomar Garciaparra [circa 2005] for MVP." And he's pretty much allowed carte blanche unapologetic homerism. He rode that ship to the Hall of Fame!!! Nevertheless, he seems like a good guy, right? (His CD was only "tree" dollars.)

"Tree" dollars too much. Let's look at this track by track.

1. Model Citizen - Good but not great. Also, not good. Like forcing an orchestra to play while a Tommy gun shoots them in a burning building but for good money.

2. She Fell From Heaven - Did she? Could she get up? Negative four stars.

3. Promised Land - Promised bland. Delivered. Pun time son.

4. Cinderella Superstar - Do I have to tell you how bad it is? Just look at the name and take a wild guess.

5. Death or Glory - I chose death during the first track. Please oblige.

6. NyQuil Blues - Are you trying to tell us something, Mister Gammons? Let's just check the medicine cabinet while you have a seat on the sofa.

7. Bad Teeth - Really. I won't attempt to do this justice.

8. Love's Made a Fool of You - You needed to see the looks I received at the record store for buying this. I would've left with more dignity if I took a dump on the floor and stomped the dump into the carpet. The imagery is appropriate and reflects precisely how I feel.

9. Tanqueray - Is there a CD of John Kruk's hangover noises? There is?! Is it three dollars? Great.

10. Wake Me, Shake Me - So you can start singing? No thanks. Take a long nap, Rip Van Winkle.

11. Carol - Couldn't make it this far. I guess it's about his other or John Olerud.

12. Come, Labor On - Okay, he has to be effing with me. The title of the album's last song fits too perfectly. Is he sending a message? "I know it sucks but it is for a good cause" type stuff.

In conclusion, you'll get eardrum polyps from this.

Say, you see those two guys fight last night?

Say, you see those two guys fight last night?

Yeah I totally did.

Yeah man, they really took it to each other.

Oh yeah man, I totally thought so too.

Yeah man.

Like when that one guy got the other guy on the floor.

Oh definitely.

He couldn't get up.

You know it.

Then they let him up and he landed a huge punch. Remember?

OH YEAH, awesome dude.




My Last Post About Fantasy

I just traded away Youkilis and Billingsley, and dropped Varitek. I got Adrian Gonzalez, Carlos Lee, and Ricky Nolasco. Thoughts?


Just a preview of a possible blog advertisement. Give me all the thoughts you've got. Also keep in mind that this is going to be compressed (manually modified) into a much smaller square.

I don't know how this is going to publish, so you'd be best to click on this for a larger version.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Haikus Part ii

Twitter is awesome.
Only one hundred forty
God I suck at life.

Why do I work out?
Make muscles big and brain small,
I’m a dumb meathead.

I like to play sports
Football, baseball, basketball
Too bad I am suck.

What day is it now?
I have an ignorant face
What’s the point of this.

Food food food food food
Pizza, Tacos, Spaghetti
Gluttons for the win.

The internet rules.
Pretend to be anyone.
I’m really Jeff Ma.

Want to make money?
It’s easier than you think
Go rob a bank, duh.

Need a good idea?
If so, then please excuse us
We are retarded.

Why all forums eventually suck

Thursday, July 9, 2009


I'm watching a WNBA game right now.

Did David Stern threaten to take the NBA games to VS if ESPN didn't air WNBA games?

Seattle Storm tickets! Plenty, no PLENTY of great seats available.

If they followed the NFL rule of not showing empty seats on camera this whole game would be filmed with a 90 mm zoom lens. They'd have to shoot this game with a camera in the ball.

The arena is so quiet I can hear the refs talking to each other word for word. The crowd noise tells me that no one is paying attention to the game.

And for the most part, I'm enjoying it.

The question I have, what programming are they funneling us towards by airing this? It's like when they show figure skating during the playoff games.

Looking around, I see ESPN was running WSP. Do people still watch that? What did ESPN air before the World Series of Poker? Why no more strong man competition?

Why can't I find my remote? Who's that girl player who everyone says is great? Why isn't she on my tv?

I'm going to get up and change the channel.


The Reds have benched Jay Bruce to "clear his head."
Bruce was out of the lineup on Thursday and Dusty Baker plans to keep him on the bench on Friday as well. Bruce, 22, is hitting .209. "I'm letting him clear his head, much like Jimmy Rollins over here [with the Phillies] and Magglio Ordonez with the Tigers. I thought I'd give him today and [Friday] to clear himself and study," Baker said. "He'll study our guys, who's hitting and who's not and why. He'll study their guys like Chase Utley, Ryan Howard and different guys and see how they approach things and set up."

In a perfect world...

I wish I could somehow fire myself from my job, and then sue my employer for "Unjust Termination."

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


God's gift to humans. Clearly its the best food ever. I could eat it every any day of the week.

Should I do this?

I get:

Carlos Lee
Adrian Gonzalez

He gets:

Kevin Youkilis
Josh Johnson

I am desperate for power numbers, BTW. Not so desperate for starting pitching.

July 08.2009

Happy Thursday everyone.


I hope you're reading this..I just made multiple accounts on AX.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Pixie Sticks

I'm soooooo tired and bored right now.

Entertain me, World.

The Michael Jackson Funeral Tour

Coming to a city near you!


Usher fake crying!

Kids on the stage! Irony's greatest moment!

Mariah Carey's huge!

Rev. Al's polka waltz! Or as he calls it "a speech"!

Joe Jackson plugging it! Casket pyrotechnics? He promised!

Janet Jackson trying to remain distant while still paying respects!

.......Brooke Shields?

One confirmed date: The Moon on October 27th.

Michael Jackson's NEWEST will

Say what you want about MJ, the guy did not know how to take care of his money. Oh, was I supposed to say something good about him after that lead in?

The presses are hot and I have something from them. It's Michael Jackson's new will and testament. Needless to say.

- "To my monkey Theseus: I leave the roller coaster that crashes into another roller coaster. May he never ride it because there's a glitter cannon every five feet that shoots glitter, and he is allergic to glitter. Glitter and mashed potatoes. SHAMONA!"

- "To my diabetic lion Tapioca: I leave a lump sum of candy corn. I'm a kid at heart. And by that I mean I have a kid's heart, both in my garage and in my thoracic cavity. POPA P'PITAH!"

- "To my frog Mephistopheles: I leave the grand 20 gallon platinum toilet in which he lived like a King of the Magic Frogs. Also, throw in a glitter cannon, why not. HEEEEEEE HEEEEEE!"

- "To my horse Peach Magnets: I leave the two ton salt lick. Don't tell anyone it's really solidified pixie stick matter. I'm taking that secret to my grave. And I'm taking a gold casket with me. Suck it, Al Sharpton. JALOPITOOOOOMEEPA, HEEEEEEEE!"

- "To everyone else: Take care of Theseus, Tapioca, Mephistopheles, Peach Magnets, and the rest of my animal friends as they inherit my estate as well as my Beatles residuals. Blanket assumes sole ownership of my remaining wealth and the Cat Ferris Wheel. Remember the CFW is a perpetual means to power my circus house, so don't tell anyone of my discovery of alternative energy in the form of a Cat Ferris Wheel. I hope I'm thorough enough for you all. This is Michael Jackson. If you are reading this, you are the resistance. SHAPITAMONAHEEEEEE!"

Wow guys, what do you think? The internet is injected with truth milk......>>>>>>>/////?

Good Job, CNN

U guyz r WAYY two stoopid, so eye wil teech u too yuse HtML...

Okay. So to learn HTML, just follow me. Perhaps I can make this blog a little less illeterate.

1. Use the bold option to get your point across and to emphasize important parts of a sentence. You use this with the tags, or you can just highlight text that you find essential to your point, and click the 'B' button when composing a new post. Here's an example of how to blog the crucial points in a sentence:

Ex. Jillian took the cat and the dog for a walk on the beach, but she fell into the ocean and died.

2. Use the italicized option to make sentence flow more understandable, or even to distinguish between two separate points. Replace the 'B' with an 'I' in the directions above:

Ex. What do urine samples and Canadian alcohol have in common? Taste.

3. The underlined option is a tad harder, which is why I'm skipping it altogether. However, you will now learn to use the "strike" method, located to the right of your italicize button. This is used to cross out pieces of your sentence that you want users to see for the sake of thought process, but you don't want to interrupt the flow of the sentence:

Ex. Jared has a crush on Kenny but I don't want anyone to know ever because Jared said he would take my life if that ever got out. Hopefully now I'm scotch free.

4. Last but not least, colors. Select a color from the 'A' menu above, and apply it to your highlighted text. It may be used to add further description without words, or to distinguish different elements of your post.

Ex. My favorite colors are red, blue, green, and yellow.

You're welcome, stupidheads.

Review of Public Enemies

To be honest, I kind of liked this movie. It was at least infinity times better than Transformers 2.

The production was really really well done. The settings really didn't look retarded like most movies from the Great Depression. The shaky camera was a really hit-or-miss kind of thing, but I thought it looked great during the shootout scenes.

The good part about this movie was the action/plot. It was a continuous chase throughout, with "public enemy number 1" John Dillinger being chased by the FBI, specifically Melvin Purvis. He robs banks, gets in shootouts, car chases, etc. The action was never lacking, it was the character development.

As usual, Johnny Depp was a quiet guy who was "cool", outsmarting the cops and shooting people. But he basically only had one-liners that didn't say anything about his character. It's the same with the other main character, the FBI Chief. On camera, the majority of his time is spent smirking or scowling, but always staring at something (see above). Now that I think about it, there were almost no conversations in the whole entire movie.

It certainly wasn't great, but it wasn't terrible.

Grade: C+

Monday, July 6, 2009

Dane Cook inspired his half brother

Can you guys imagine how loud Dane Cook yelled when he found out about this? Poor guy, looks like he's going to have to watch another Louis C.K. show before he can get another mansion. What a douche.



The planets suck

Let's POWER rank them:

9. Neptune - Blow planet. Methane makes it blue and sucky. It's overrated and hasn't been relevant for years. It's washed up. Neptune, more like Craptune, or Nepcrap, or both. I wouldn't care if it lost gravitational orbit and floated away to Hell.

8. Mercury - Ooooooo, you're closest to the Sun. Big deal. Quit kissing the Sun's ass, ass kissing cemetary planet. Aliens don't even come from you because it's hotter than Atlanta during a meteor shower and/or meteor bath. Mercury is a dump.

7. Earth - This planet is a nerd and a wuss, and is more feeble than Powder. PLUS IT'S FULL OF JERKS.

6. Venus - Nice going, jackass, now no one can breathe. Wars should take place on this planet. Venus is full of reflective clouds of sulfuric acid. "Say that cloud looks lik- *DEAD* Nuke Venus, America.

5. Mars - Mars sucks BIGTIME.

4. Jupiter - Fat planet. This planet sits on the couch and watches Maury and waits for the check to roll in so they can afford basic and pizza. You would shoot this planet if the repercussions were minimal. Jupiter has a big red spot. It's a couch sore and let's just hope it becomes thoroughly infected and malignant.

3. Saturn - Lots of rings because it's a whore planet that courts all the other planets and they gave it rings. Logic is abound in that sentence.

2. Pluto - Why even include Pluto? Scientists have debated its inclusion as a major planet. Translation: Pluto is a useless retard.

1. Uranus - Thanks Uranus. You gave hacks like Tony Kornheiser an instant punchline. AHAA HAA, YOU SAID URANUS BUT YOU REALLY MEANT MY ASSHOLE.

are these the best planets jebus could play doh?

Our CWeat Banner.

What happened to it? It rocked.

Posts over 140 characters make my head go boom.

So kids, don't do drugs. Unless you want to be President.

Why can't we all just get along?

I don't understand why Jared is hating on me because I am bilingual, or on CW, just because CW hates him back. So my question is, why can't we all just get along?

Now I am extremely confused. Where is this blog heading? The way I see it, we have many options:

1. Serious posts that contradict our title
2. Illiterate posts that scare people away
3. A hybrid that would contradict our title AND scare people away
4. Random posts on random topics that have meaning
5. Debates on whatever topic is being written of
6. Cry and give up
7. Overthrow Jared
8. All of the above

I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do here. Should I do the kind of thing I do on my own blog? More serious? Less serious? Is this targeting the stranger reading this in Guatemala right now? Or only to people that understand my inside jokes?

And to end, a map:

Since you guys aren't putting any effort into this...

Steroids have recently ruined baseball. The game used to be respectable. It used to have integrity. The players were always clean and great. I wish the game could back to when it was pure.

Remember that loveable fat guy named Babe Ruth? He's widely considered the best player of all time. Three times he assaulted an umpire and twice he charged into the stands to attack fans, but he did it all clean(maybe). True American Hero.

What about the great Ty Cobb? He would never ever cheat. He got his strength and batting skills from slashing black men for being "uppity." Another workout he liked was going into the stands to beat up handicapped hecklers. He also sharpened the spikes on his cleats to intimidate the infielders. He got in a fight with a groundskeeper, but don't worry, he didn't only fight men, that'd be sexist! He also choked the groundskeeper's wife for intervening.

Rogers Hornsby and Tris Speaker were both members of the 3 K's clan(I guess that's a bad word). Many others around that time probably were, too. Cap Anson refused to play with black players.

Okay, I'll talk seriously now. The game has never been all that respectable. It may have never been pure either....

Players have always been trying to get an edge using anything they could get. Hank Aaron even said he used greenies! Here's a quote from his book, I Had a Hammer: "Actually the 1968 season wasn't the best time to present my case. It was the first time since my rookie year that I didn't drive in or scored 100 runs. I was so frustrated that at one point I tried using a greenie that one of my teamates gave me."


While he only admitted to using it once, why shouldn't we suspect him of using it more? Why should we assume he didn't use steroids, amphetamines, or HGH? If we look at some of his numbers, he even fits the profile of a steroid user.

Aaron hit 29 HRs at 34 years old, 44 HRs at 35, and hit a career high 47 HRs at 37, and 40 HRs at 39. Some of his best power years were past his prime.

Doesn't that look suspicious? He only broke the HR record because he was able to play at a higher level longer than most players. People have already said that steroids helped Bonds prolong his career. I guess Aaron is dirty, too.

Interesting quote from Tom House, the pitcher who caught Aaron's recording-breaking HR:

"I actually think that the game is cleaner today than when I was playing,'' says former major league pitcher Tom House, who pitched in the 1970s and was later Nolan Ryan's pitching coach. House says that he used steroids because "In my case, I was doing everything I could just to survive, but the steroid use ended up backfiring on him....Every generation of players -- the '20s, '30s, '40s on up -- everybody was looking for a way to get the most out of their bodies, and they took whatever they possibly could. It was almost expected. . . "


People seem to think that steroids have only been around recently. That's not true at all. They've been around for quite some time. Many of your heroes were probably not pure.


When this blog goes to the special olympics, where does it park?

Best Website Ever

I just thought I would let you all know the best (most retarded) website on teh internets.

Go Here:

The Best Website EVER!!!!!!1

A few things I need to address...

So there's this thing called "invisible language". I was toying around with it to see if I could decode it, and then slyly used it here and there to test its effects. I am telling you this secret because I am 100% sure you won't be able to read it. It's nearly impossible to figure out how to write, and even impossibler to read. Why am I writing in invisible language if I want to address some of the very, very many issues with our blog? Why not? It's not like anyone would listen to me if I was writing in Engish. They'd just call me illatearate. So invisible language it is.

1. As stupid as I think Twitter is, I think it's great that CollegeWolf can go over there and tell everybody about his workout routine. But why do we need to hear about it on our illuterut blog? This makes no sense to me. Maybe you should spend more time at the gym, and less time breaking my heart.

2. Seriously, down with the header. It's enormous, bright, and disturbing. And is that Chris Perry in the 'O'? I'd be more than happy to make more art for our blog if need be.

3. Maybe BBC should try writing in invisible language. We all know how much he hates the color black...

4. Lastly, and most importantly, I'm going to complain about how pointless this site has become. I remember when I first started on this illatarot blog, we always had thoughtful, meticulous discussions about mature topics, with excellent chemistry, and amazing discoveries. I was looking to become a millionaire when this site absolutely fell apart. Now we have just one incompetent staff member who calls himself "Jared", constant arguments, and a lot of users leaving our blog. And I'm not even making any money! This needs to be changed or else ilateronste blog will soon meet it's maker (Jared).

Tweet Tweet

This blogsite will be my new personal Twitter. Woooohoooo, only posts of 140 characters or less, aren't you all EXCITED!?!?!

Be afraid. Be very afraid. Fear this blog.

A Literate Person..

..offered me this trade in Fantasy Baseball.

I get..

Corey Hart- rank 173
Matt Wieters- 925
Cole Hamels- 991
Kerry Wood- 450

He gets..

A.J. Pierzynski- 273
Chad Billingsley- 95

I almost cried. This was the worst trade offer I have ever received.

No More Than Way Less Respect

I want Nick Punto and/or Jay Bruce in the header.

No Respect

I want Pennington in the header.

Our new, coolio posters...

I just taped two copies on every door, window, and stray animal in my neighborhood. You're welcome.

Spread the werd!!!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

What's Your Favorite Food?

Mine is stapler.

Brussel Sprouts

I just got done working out.

I got really sweaty. Needless to say, I put more effort into working out than I do this blog. Or my job.

Now I am going to eat something because I'm hungry. Oh, and if you want to learn something smrt don't read this blog anymore.

I just thought you all should know these things.

What did you get America?

For his birthday.

I puked all over America's fertile plain. Oh, it's fertile alright. Hot dog syrup and chocolate milk projectiles feed the soil. This is not liquor induced, this is freedom induced. The freedom to eat until I puke.

I also gave America Life Alert because America is old. America might fall down the stairs after a loud noise startles America. That's why America can only take one day of fireworks per year.

Did you forget America's birthday?

Happy July 5th!

Happy July 5th and a very happy birthday to Letha Weapons


Its the 4th you know
Don't blow your hand off tonight
Hospitals all full.

Sloppy Joes are good
I just want to keep eating
Tummy is all full.

Drink beer its tasty
Head spin probably fall down
Advice is drink beer.

Turkoglu why man?
Go to Toronto for cash?
Never win again.

Late night TV fun
Watch Mike Tyson kill people
Nothing else to watch.

Food food food food food
Eat eat eat eat eat eat eat
Okay now I'm fat.

If you are a cat
Jump out of building nine lives
Glad I'm not a cat.

Don't read our dumb blog.
If you read it at own risk
Will lose all brain cells.

Some things are stupid.
Does everyone agree yes?
This blog is stupid.