1. Larry Fitzgerald
He was on the Madden Cover, so don't draft him no matter how far he falls.
2. Andre Johnson
ESPN said that he could get hurt. Cross him off all your lists now.
3. Calvin Johnson
He's the sexy pick for #1 WR this year, but I don't buy it. He has some nice physical features, but he's no Tom Brady. Don't consider him either.
4. Randy Moss
Despite popular belief, he did have Tom Brady for part of last year. Don't draft him, because he could end up not having Tom Brady at all this year. Gay joke? You decide.
5. Steve Smith, Panthers
I bet you think I'm going to say that you shouldn't draft him. You're right.
6. Reggie Wayne
You can draft him, but I wouldn't.
7. Greg Jennings
He probably feels like Brett Favre betrayed the Packers, but I don't think that matters.
8. Roddy White
Have you noticed how this is lazier than anything I've ever written?
9. Terrell Owens
Do you think he's banging those two chicks on his TV show? Yes, I'll admit it, I have watched parts of his show.
10. Anquan Boldin
You didn't hear it from me, but he could finish with more fantasy points than Larry Fitzgerald. I'm not saying he will, but it's possible, kinda.
11. TJ Houshsmasomething
I have him higher on this list than on my real list because I want to mess your teams up.
12. Wes Welker
Draft him here if you have a Pats fan in your league. They would trade both of their nuts for him. Don't accept this trade, because nuts don't have much value, but it's a good start.
13. Roy Williams
He was bad with the Cowboys last year, but that's only because TO was always bullying him. I heard he ran home from practice crying one day because TO gave him a wedgie. He saw a therapist all summer, and it sounds like he's recovering well.
14. Dwayne Bowe
I'm not sure what the Chiefs are trying to prove by not putting Bowe as the starter on the depth chart. I'm pretty sure he's the only healthy WR in Missouri.
15. Marques Colston
I'm too lazy to think of anything.
16. Brandon Marshall
He hasn't learned the playbook, he wants to be traded, and he's got nagging injuries. Don't worry about any of those, because it's just fantasy football.
17. Eddie Royal
You'd have to be an idiot to put Marshall above Royal.
18. Chad Ochocinco
Did you see him kick that extra point?
19. Braylon Edwards
I really wasn't prepared for this list. Laziness.
20. Vincent Jackson
I quit.
Showing posts with label fantasy advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fantasy advice. Show all posts
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Fantasy Draft Advice: RBs
1. Adrian Peterson, Bears
Your friends will laugh at you for the rest of the season. You will become angry. Nothing will feel as good as it used to. Food will taste bitter, your body will ache, and sex(more likely masturbation) won't bring you satisfaction. The anger will build for the entire season and you'll keep it all bottled up. Then, when the champion of the league is giving his acceptance speech and he thanks you for being an idiot, you'll snap and murder everyone. The next year, no one else will show up for the draft because they're all dead. You'll be able to get all the sleepers while they get crappy autopick teams.
2. Adrian Peterson, Vikings
If you're impatient, just take this Adrian. I won't be upset, it just shows that you're not a big picture guy like me.
3. Marion Barber
This is a little high of a pick for him. You're friends will question you, but when they do, just yell "Marion the Barbarian!" Your friends will ask you how that helps your argument. Just yell it louder. Block out their logic. The more sense they make, the louder you yell. Yelling is a sign of intelligence.
4. Matt Forte
Make a corny joke about how rushing is his forte, then prepare to be beaten senseless.
5. Chris Johnson
I'm saving the LenDale White is fat joke for LenDale White. I can't think of much to say about CJ, so I'll just say that I'm excited to see Vince Young in action this year.
6. Michael Turner
Avoid him completely. The curse of 370 has been placed on his soul. It doesn't affect Peterson because he only had 363 carries last year. It doesn't matter how close you are unless you hit 370. There's literally a part of your leg that breaks down at exactly 370 carries. Scientists proved it.
7. Maurice Jones-Drew
It remains to be seen if he can handle a full workload. Is that why I have him this low on the list? No, I couldn't tell you why he's this low on the list. I guess I just felt like it, okay?
8. Steven Jackson
He's one of the most talented backs in the league, but he's got Marc Bulger on his team. Maybe they should ask Kurt if he would please consider coming back.
9. LaDainian Tomlinson
It was depressing to watch a back that used to be a fantasy stud collapse like he did last year. He should retire now so he doesn't embarrass himself with another 1,100 yard, 11 TD season. But seriously, he's on his way down.
10. DeAngelo Williams
No one expected him to put up the numbers he did last year. No one expects him to put those numbers up again this year. Could we see back to back monster seasons by Williams? Probably not, but I bet I got your hopes up.
11. Frank Gore
Watch out, he's a huge injury risk. I'm not judging this by his history, it's just that anyone who gets tackled 200-300 times a year is a huge injury risk.
12. Brandon Jacobs
I'm not a Giants fan, but watching Jacobs abuse defenders last year was pretty awesome. Mostly because I had loved Jacobs and drafted him in most leagues. With that awesome line, they should have Bradshaw as QB. They could just tell Eli Manning and his huge contract to screw off. Don't tell anyone I said this, but Eli's kind of mediocre.
13. Steve Slaton
I picked Slaton up last year and expected him to do great things. Please comment telling me how smart I was for that. I really need you to feed my ego.
14. Clinton Portis
Did anyone make a joke about a new Clinton being in Washington when the Redskins got him? Because that would have been really awful. His offense is boring, so I won't draft him.
16. Ronnie Brown
It was fun to watch the wildcat confuse the Patriots, but now I'm kind of tired of it.
18. Thomas Jones
I don't believe his numbers last year. I can see them and I know they're real, I just don't believe them.
19. Darren McFadden
I'm almost sure he'll do better than last year. Doing better than last year isn't that impressive, but it's something. The Raiders might give Fargas some of the carries because Al Davis is batshit crazy and no one wants to question him.
20. Joseph Addai
If you didn't watch him play last year and didn't hear the Colts drafted Donald Brown, this will look like a huge steal.
21. Ryan Grant
I have a strange hatred for this guy that I just can't explain.
22. LenDale White
He's not as fat anymore, all the fantasy writers that want to be comedians are now dead inside.
23. Marshawn Lynch
24. Derrick Ward
25. Jonathan Stewart
26. Shaun Alexander(keep the faith)
27. Larry Johnson
28. Knowshon Moreno
29. Ahmad Bradshaw
30. Willie Parker
I'm not helping you anymore. If you need an RB after this point, just draw a name out of a hat. I don't care about you. There, I said it. Now you all know.
Your friends will laugh at you for the rest of the season. You will become angry. Nothing will feel as good as it used to. Food will taste bitter, your body will ache, and sex(more likely masturbation) won't bring you satisfaction. The anger will build for the entire season and you'll keep it all bottled up. Then, when the champion of the league is giving his acceptance speech and he thanks you for being an idiot, you'll snap and murder everyone. The next year, no one else will show up for the draft because they're all dead. You'll be able to get all the sleepers while they get crappy autopick teams.
2. Adrian Peterson, Vikings
If you're impatient, just take this Adrian. I won't be upset, it just shows that you're not a big picture guy like me.
3. Marion Barber
This is a little high of a pick for him. You're friends will question you, but when they do, just yell "Marion the Barbarian!" Your friends will ask you how that helps your argument. Just yell it louder. Block out their logic. The more sense they make, the louder you yell. Yelling is a sign of intelligence.
4. Matt Forte
Make a corny joke about how rushing is his forte, then prepare to be beaten senseless.
5. Chris Johnson
I'm saving the LenDale White is fat joke for LenDale White. I can't think of much to say about CJ, so I'll just say that I'm excited to see Vince Young in action this year.
6. Michael Turner
Avoid him completely. The curse of 370 has been placed on his soul. It doesn't affect Peterson because he only had 363 carries last year. It doesn't matter how close you are unless you hit 370. There's literally a part of your leg that breaks down at exactly 370 carries. Scientists proved it.
7. Maurice Jones-Drew
It remains to be seen if he can handle a full workload. Is that why I have him this low on the list? No, I couldn't tell you why he's this low on the list. I guess I just felt like it, okay?
8. Steven Jackson
He's one of the most talented backs in the league, but he's got Marc Bulger on his team. Maybe they should ask Kurt if he would please consider coming back.
9. LaDainian Tomlinson
It was depressing to watch a back that used to be a fantasy stud collapse like he did last year. He should retire now so he doesn't embarrass himself with another 1,100 yard, 11 TD season. But seriously, he's on his way down.
10. DeAngelo Williams
No one expected him to put up the numbers he did last year. No one expects him to put those numbers up again this year. Could we see back to back monster seasons by Williams? Probably not, but I bet I got your hopes up.
11. Frank Gore
Watch out, he's a huge injury risk. I'm not judging this by his history, it's just that anyone who gets tackled 200-300 times a year is a huge injury risk.
12. Brandon Jacobs
I'm not a Giants fan, but watching Jacobs abuse defenders last year was pretty awesome. Mostly because I had loved Jacobs and drafted him in most leagues. With that awesome line, they should have Bradshaw as QB. They could just tell Eli Manning and his huge contract to screw off. Don't tell anyone I said this, but Eli's kind of mediocre.
13. Steve Slaton
I picked Slaton up last year and expected him to do great things. Please comment telling me how smart I was for that. I really need you to feed my ego.
14. Clinton Portis
Did anyone make a joke about a new Clinton being in Washington when the Redskins got him? Because that would have been really awful. His offense is boring, so I won't draft him.
16. Ronnie Brown
It was fun to watch the wildcat confuse the Patriots, but now I'm kind of tired of it.
18. Thomas Jones
I don't believe his numbers last year. I can see them and I know they're real, I just don't believe them.
19. Darren McFadden
I'm almost sure he'll do better than last year. Doing better than last year isn't that impressive, but it's something. The Raiders might give Fargas some of the carries because Al Davis is batshit crazy and no one wants to question him.
20. Joseph Addai
If you didn't watch him play last year and didn't hear the Colts drafted Donald Brown, this will look like a huge steal.
21. Ryan Grant
I have a strange hatred for this guy that I just can't explain.
22. LenDale White
He's not as fat anymore, all the fantasy writers that want to be comedians are now dead inside.
23. Marshawn Lynch
24. Derrick Ward
25. Jonathan Stewart
26. Shaun Alexander(keep the faith)
27. Larry Johnson
28. Knowshon Moreno
29. Ahmad Bradshaw
30. Willie Parker
I'm not helping you anymore. If you need an RB after this point, just draw a name out of a hat. I don't care about you. There, I said it. Now you all know.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Fantasy Draft Advice: QBs
In the coming weeks, I may or may not go through all the positions for fantasy football. For now, I'm going to rank the QBs and tell you why my rankings are so good.
1.Brett Favre
1. Drew Brees
It's not likely he'll repeat last year's numbers, but you don't know that.
2. Tom Brady
I thought he might struggle early on this year just because of rust, but don't worry, ESPN assured me that nothing can stop him. Did you realize he was married to Gisele Bundchen? Because he is, ESPN told me. Let's all take a break to realize how perfect he is.
...
3. Peyton Manning
Sure, he's pretty much a guarantee to be great, but his numbers aren't flashy. Or something. Jim Sorgi is currently hurt, so if you do draft Manning, also draft both Sorgi and Curtis Painter as his hand cuffs. You're supposed to hand cuff QBs, right? That sounds kinda kinky.
4. Aaron Rodgers
I want to make a Favre joke here, but that really only shows how lazy of a writer I am.
5. Kurt Warner
Apparently he was a huge injury risk last year when he missed zero games. If he does get hurt, they can harvest organs from the useless Matt Leinart. Just stay away from his liver. Also, I wouldn't worry too much, Kurt and God are like brothers or something.
6. Tony Romo
A lot of people seem to think TO was causing a lot of problems with Tony. Apparently, losing a great WR will help. I agree with this. Tony can throw better now that his broken heart is healed.
7. Donovan McNabb
Draft him, then quickly announce that you're predicting a season full of nagging injuries. Even if you don't win the league, you'll still have bragging rights for a great prediction.
8. Kyle Orton
Claim to know a scout that compared Orton to Brady, then trade him for Brady.
9. Jay Cutler
The Broncos seemed to really dislike Jay Cutler. Either they're not smart, or they know something we don't. I'm going to go with option 2 and move Cutler to the bottom of my QB list.
10. Matt Ryan
Could he emerge as a fantasy stud this year? Seriously, tell me.
11. Matt Schaub
Draft him higher if you can convince the Texans to trade for Calvin Johnson.
12. Ben Roethlisberger
Ben always finds a way to take pressure off his team by getting in trouble during the offseason. You've got to love a team player, unless you're in a fantasy league.
13. Matt Cassel
He's getting paid a lot. Only think about salaries when drafting players.
14. Phillip Rivers
I have him this low because my league has a Douche Factor. Move him up if you're in a stupid league without the Douche Factor. Just to clarify, it punishes teams that have douches on their team. Douche.
15. Carson Palmer
He simply has to throw the ball a lot. Giving Cedric Benson more work is like a crime against nature.
16. Matt Hasselbeck
This effer almost ruined my season last year until someone dropped Warner. Don't draft him purely for the sake of my spite.
17. Eli Manning
Career advice for all you young footballers out there: Try as hard as you can to be a mediocre QB. You'll get paid more than the great QBs(see Manning, Peyton) and the great RBs that save your job(see Jacobs, Brandon). Or learn to be a left-handed pitcher.
From here on, it really doesn't matter, so I will give you no commentary.
18. David Garrard
19. Trent Edwards
20.Jake Delhomme
21. Chad Pennington
22. Joe Flacco
23. Tim Tebow
24. Jason Campbell
25. Shaun Hill
26. JaMarcus Russell
27. Marc Bulger
28. Brady Quinn
1.Brett Favre
1. Drew Brees
It's not likely he'll repeat last year's numbers, but you don't know that.
2. Tom Brady
I thought he might struggle early on this year just because of rust, but don't worry, ESPN assured me that nothing can stop him. Did you realize he was married to Gisele Bundchen? Because he is, ESPN told me. Let's all take a break to realize how perfect he is.
...
3. Peyton Manning
Sure, he's pretty much a guarantee to be great, but his numbers aren't flashy. Or something. Jim Sorgi is currently hurt, so if you do draft Manning, also draft both Sorgi and Curtis Painter as his hand cuffs. You're supposed to hand cuff QBs, right? That sounds kinda kinky.
4. Aaron Rodgers
I want to make a Favre joke here, but that really only shows how lazy of a writer I am.
5. Kurt Warner
Apparently he was a huge injury risk last year when he missed zero games. If he does get hurt, they can harvest organs from the useless Matt Leinart. Just stay away from his liver. Also, I wouldn't worry too much, Kurt and God are like brothers or something.
6. Tony Romo
A lot of people seem to think TO was causing a lot of problems with Tony. Apparently, losing a great WR will help. I agree with this. Tony can throw better now that his broken heart is healed.
7. Donovan McNabb
Draft him, then quickly announce that you're predicting a season full of nagging injuries. Even if you don't win the league, you'll still have bragging rights for a great prediction.
8. Kyle Orton
Claim to know a scout that compared Orton to Brady, then trade him for Brady.
9. Jay Cutler
The Broncos seemed to really dislike Jay Cutler. Either they're not smart, or they know something we don't. I'm going to go with option 2 and move Cutler to the bottom of my QB list.
10. Matt Ryan
Could he emerge as a fantasy stud this year? Seriously, tell me.
11. Matt Schaub
Draft him higher if you can convince the Texans to trade for Calvin Johnson.
12. Ben Roethlisberger
Ben always finds a way to take pressure off his team by getting in trouble during the offseason. You've got to love a team player, unless you're in a fantasy league.
13. Matt Cassel
He's getting paid a lot. Only think about salaries when drafting players.
14. Phillip Rivers
I have him this low because my league has a Douche Factor. Move him up if you're in a stupid league without the Douche Factor. Just to clarify, it punishes teams that have douches on their team. Douche.
15. Carson Palmer
He simply has to throw the ball a lot. Giving Cedric Benson more work is like a crime against nature.
16. Matt Hasselbeck
This effer almost ruined my season last year until someone dropped Warner. Don't draft him purely for the sake of my spite.
17. Eli Manning
Career advice for all you young footballers out there: Try as hard as you can to be a mediocre QB. You'll get paid more than the great QBs(see Manning, Peyton) and the great RBs that save your job(see Jacobs, Brandon). Or learn to be a left-handed pitcher.
From here on, it really doesn't matter, so I will give you no commentary.
18. David Garrard
19. Trent Edwards
20.Jake Delhomme
21. Chad Pennington
22. Joe Flacco
23. Tim Tebow
24. Jason Campbell
25. Shaun Hill
26. JaMarcus Russell
27. Marc Bulger
28. Brady Quinn
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