The Real News
Friday, October 30, 2009
McDonalds Cuts and Runs In Battle For Obesity in Iceland
REYKJAVIK (Yourmother) The battle for population control ceded a front in Iceland this week, as McDonalds corporation of America announced plans to pull up all offensive positions and retreat from the struggling island nation. "In terms of supplying weaponry, economic factors begin to combine with relatively low mortality and obesity rates to force our hand" McDonalds Brigadier General Michael McKerns said yesterday "We force all units to resupply all items in our arsenal from a central armory in Germany... the financial costs became unbearable" "Besides", he continued, "The people of Iceland are generally fit and our presence there was largely an astroturf movement anyway... let's focus our priorities on larger goals" Front line soliders were largely disappointed, "I'll miss slowly poisoning our regulars... I always looked forward to the sounds of arteries slowly clogging." said CSR Specialist Stacey O'Connell. Customers lined up around the block for a last chance at the poison pill. "I've never eaten here but heard I can keep their french fries unfrozen for up to ten years. That way, if the economy here continues to flush down the toilet we can survive off of those." When told of statements like these, Gen. McKerns had little to say, only offering thanks for small victories.