Monday, September 14, 2009

Obama!!! What do you think you're doing?!?

Over the past several months, trivial issues such as unemployment, public healthcare, and government spending have saturated the modern media with pointless questions, none of which will ever be answered until Obama addresses the most heavy-pressing issue of them all: Box Top inflation.

I strolled through the cereal isle just the other day, clipboard in hand, when I saw the most abhorrent injustice this nation has ever upheld. Two Box Tops on one box of Cocoa Puffs. Really, Barack? Are the cereal giants of America going to get away with this infraction of the Constitution? Some of the greatest minds of post-Colonial America drafted those hallowed papers in hope for a future America free from the shackles of Frosted Flakes or Wheat Thins!

Box Tops were propelled into the U.S. economy in the Clinton era, beginning as a harmless, innocent way to promote the well-being of students and their schools. Box Tops immediately incited obesity in children across the nation, as contests were stimulated in learning environments to raise money for schools, and the typical 5th grader would consume 3 to 4 boxes of cereal over a two-hour span on average. The winning class of the given school would possibly enjoy an ice cream party, only serving to fatten the innocent children more so.

Box Tops are also the primary causes of sudden infant death syndrome, liver cancer, and the common cold. And yes, there is absolutely no cure for the common cold.

I assumed the group of cereal boxes was something of a fluke or a mistake, so I moved on, and proceeded to evaluate the frozen yogurt section. My supermarket pastime was unanticipatedly interrupted when I spotted a box of Toaster Strudel with yet another two box tops. Last I checked, most boxes only have one top, don't they? DON'T THEY?!

So what does this mean for our already-crumbling America? This may turn into  a double-take of Canada's Box Top Reform, initiated by their emperor (or whatever they have in Canada) in 1985, during an 18 month recession, as the Box Tops were tearing apart the foundation of their economy. That's why their dollar is worth more than ours, I think. The only difference between now and then is that our economy is already in jeopardy, and the unsupervised doubling of box tops is sure to bring this nation's salubrity to an end.

How to prevent this? Eat more Box Tops. Not cereal. Box Tops. It's the only way. So long as all of the Box Tops in Anglo-America are consumed and digested, this beautiful nation will never see its end. Once you're done with the Box Top, give the cereal/frozen pastry/brownie mix to a homeless guy. He needs it more than you do, plus I hear it hurts to eat with liver cancer, which you now have from consuming box tops. We still admire your sacrifice for this country, though.


  1. Canada's leader is a pharoah. I looked it up.

    As for this, I agree 100%. My class always lost, which destroyed my self-esteem, making me eat even more.

  2. I weigh 446 pounds because of box tops. FML.