Saturday, October 31, 2009

5 Things That You've Probably Already Planned To Do This Halloween

1. As a middle-aged man/woman/man-woman, dress up like a boy/girl/boy-girl for Halloween, and go door-to-door collecting candy, regardless of whether or not you have children. Perhaps tag along with an unsuspecting family to minimize absolute awkwardness. Once the parents of the children send their children to the front door of 'House X', this is your cue to go with them, ring the doorbell, and scream trick-or-treat. The kindly old grandmother who answers the door will usually take a while to reminisce about her days as a carefree child.

Grandmother: Why, aren't you adorable! What are you?
Kid #001: I'm CINDERELLA.
Grandmother: Oh, I remember when Cinderella was MY favorite princess!
Kid #001: Well, she's MINE now!
[This is where Kid #001 and Grandma begin to slug each other over who's favorite Cinderella REALLY is. Grandmother usually wins with "experience points".]
Grandmother: Oh, and look at you! What are you, Kid number zero zero two?
Kid #002: I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Tutle!
Grandmother: Mutant Ninja Turtle? Why, I used to love those little fellas!
[After the can of whoop-astronaut Grandma just unleashed on Cinderella, this is quite believable.]
Grandmother: And what are you? A child pretending to be an adult pretending to be a child?
You: Just give me the kandy, you old bat.
Grandmother: You spelled candy wrong, sunny! But I can understand. You're just an innocent child!
You: Have you lost your mind, grams?!? This is dialogue!
[Grandmother has figured you out before you even conceived this idiotic idea, because Grandma just knows. Her grammar correction has only served as a decoy while she sics her 27 cats on you. The state has sued Grandma for one account of both child abuse and murder by cat, but Grandma has pleaded not guilty because "I'm a grandma". Just like a bad video game or those terrible "Choose your own adventure!" stories, "You're dead. Try again."]

2. If for whatever reason you have unearthly stamina powers, ding-dong-ditch every house in your neighborhood twice before the trick-and-treaters start taking candy from people. If my research has taught me anything, it's that they probably won't answer for the rest of the night, and all the little kids in your neighborhood will hate you. But that's what you wanted anyways, right? The script to this scenario usually ends in a hostile mob of children who corner you in the park and order you take off your pants, just for the heck of it. In attempts to sway the attention of the mob, you shout something like "HEY LOOK OVER THERE! ITS A BIG ORANGE DISTRACTION!" If only you had been able to experience the art of the decoy, as provided by grandma in scenario one,  perhaps you would have been able to point out some candy in the grass, or an entire pillowcase of candy up a tree. Nevertheless, your sorry excuse for a distraction has worked (foolish children), and you're home free for the next 3 seconds. You run to the house nearest by and beg the owners to let you in, but they won't answer, silly goose! Member why? You member.

3. Watch the Oregon and USC game. If you're out trick-but-treating, watch it anyway. I'm personally dressing up as a future robot thing, or at least that's what I'm calling it. It's pretty much an excuse to strap a television to my torso, also known as my "future suit". The television I hope to bring weighs maybe 200 pounds, so if you choose to take this advice, and you wake up the next morning without a back, please don't sue. I should think that watching such a good game would be worth the harmless cramps.

4. Watch a horror movie. This is probably a bad idea, because typically when you watch a horror movie on Halloween, you go through a real-life experience twice as horrible. Or at least that's what happens in all of the horror movies.

If you decide to watch a scene in which a man busts through the front door of the house with a chainsaw, then at that very instant, a man may break through with two chainsaws. He may even break a window once he's inside, just to piss you off.

Perhaps in another scene, the man is under the bed, and swings his baseball bat to hit the bottom of the bed, which scares the main character out of his/her/his-her wits. In your case, you'll be laying on a see-through cot (Not sure why you chose to sleep there in the first place, but people do really stupid things in these movies). Then the creeper under your bed hits you the same way, only with his new-found mace club, and without an actual "bottom" between him and you.

Or maybe you watch the Oregon and USC game, and USC wins. Lucky for you, there is nothing in this world that would be twice as horrible.

5. Lately, I've been practicing my candy hand-outing skills so that I don't embarrass myself in front of the children, and it was during my training that I came to a Halloween realization. There is no risk in trick-yet-treating. Either nobody answers your doorbell ring, or you get candy. I mean, maybe there's an occasional razor blade in your tootsie pop, or some polyurethane  mixed into your Laffy Taffy (although the jokes on the wrapper cause more damage than the actual tainted candy), buy those stories are few and far between. This is my proposition. Dress up as anything (if my television idea doesn't work, I'll probably wear a paper bag over my head). You will stay home, and wait by the front door. When the kids show up, you open the door and scream TRICK-OR-TREAT! The kids will be mildly confused, so just take some candy from each of their baskets, and explain to them how they've just landed on the whammy house. At the whammy house, you actually lose candy, so that trick-or-treating is more of a game of chance. You're actually doing the children a favor, because they might not learn the value of risk until it's too late. Happy Halloween, suckers.