Saturday, July 25, 2009

Being Timely

My Final Post

until I get back from vacation. I will be leaving Monday at around 5 in the morning. I will be back August 6ish. I hope you don't miss me too much.

Also, I will be staying awake until we hit the road(literally) Monday morning. I want to sleep in the car like a toddler. If you would like to stay awake with me, here is where we chat. I hope this works.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Robot Future

10 Things YOU Can Do To Make Oski's Life Even Miserabler

What is that? Not enough lists on this blog, you say? Well then.

I was thinking about thinking about posting this on Protrade, but I figured it would be absolutely ridiculous to think of such a thing. After all, I've got a reputation to maintain, losers. If I'm ever going to revert to illitericism, I'm obviously starting on this page.

1. Post about how PT is going down the tubes, and how you'll be dancing on Oski's grave once Jeff Ma finishes him off. This was the most obvious one, so I decided to get it out of the way before continuing. Fun Fact: Oski avoids any PMs you send him since he's been getting so many death threats lately.

2. Make a multiple account entitled "multipleaccount". There was only one genius on that site brilliant enough to do that, so cheerz t'him.

3. Threaten to retire and then don't. Oski wants some of you gone *cough, cough* Knepp *cough*.

4. SHORT GOLF!!!!! I don't know why, it just seemed appropriate.

5. Buy all the shorts and short all the buys with your multiple accounts so that Oski gets complaints about broken algorithms.

6. Make more multiple accounts to accomplish #5.

7. Skip numbers in lists because you are lazy, so that Oski is confused, and can't focus on the billions of other problems you've created for him. I love Oski with all my heart, which is why the number "seven" in this post comes right after the number "six".

8. Make "discussion" posts. I don't know why people think it makes his job any easier. Hey Oski! We should make auctions where you have to bid the least amount of money, so that I'll get an easy $25 dollar gift card with my lucky number $1.23! Hey Oski! we should terminate all users of! Hey Oski! Could we maybe have a karaoke night for users with 1M and Under?

9. Summon Mike Kerns via Facebook. For every complaint you send to Kerns, Kerns will verbally abuse Oski over the internet, for not caring enough.

10. Blame Oski for everything that goes wrong in your life. Protrade is no longer fun for me. Darn you, Oski! My computer froze right as I was trying to snatch IPOs! Darn you, Oski! MY CAT JUST DIED OF STARVATION! DARN YOU, OSKI!!!!!!!!

Well, I hope you enjoyed. Stay tuned for the 10 Million Things You can Do To Make Jeff Ma Not Care.

Joke Time

Two muffins are being put into an oven. The first muffin said to the second muffin, "Oh my god we are being put into an oven!" The second muffin said, "Oh my god a talking muffin!!!!!1"

Two palm trees are in a hurricane. The first palm tree said to the second palm tree, "Oh my god we are in a hurricane!" The second palm tree said, "Oh my god a talking palm tree!!!!!1"

Q: What did Bigface say when Jared tried to steal his cheese?
A: "NACHO Cheese!!!"

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Trending Topic Suggestions

You are on the graveyard known as Twitter, yes? Check out the right side of the screen on that there Twitter. IT'S THEM TWITTER TOPICS.

If you put one of these (#) in front of what you say, you can create your own topic, and maybe it will become a trend. For example, dorks are typing #iranelection to share some thoughts on the Iranian Election, which was forever ago, so no one gives a frog shit about it.

I've tried desperately to get #hitlerious going, but alas. ALAS!! I am not nearly popular enough to do it. Only the_real_shaq can help me! Or you? Here are some that I have been pondering:

#howmycatdied - Am I the only one fascinated with these stories? I'm devoting an entire chapter in my personal diary to them. Grandpa left the garbage disposal on.

#brettfavreswineflu - This may be going to the well one too many times, but it needs to happen.

#whereIwastouched - This one is also about Grandpa.

#howmuchnutellacanYOUeat - I put nutella on corn. I will be the MVP.

#racistthoughts - LOL

#bicuriouswithcelebrity - For me, it's simple: Danny Gans

#justsawgforce - To weed out the retardeds.

#tacobidet - Right?

#carlosmenciaprison - You know it.

#thehookeronlypassedoutbutsheiscoveredindnawhatarewegonnadoguysIcantgobacktoprison - Yeah! STUPENDOUS!

#smokingiscool - Because it is. Don't listen to those truth pantywastes. The pot has melted their brains.

#cincinnatihotplate - YOWZERS. TWITTARD.

#farmerssuck - Farmers are filling our food with trans fats. That's fat that lives with dual gender identities.

#erinandrewsdeservesoursupportourtroops - Combine a lot of things to make new things.

#alzheimersmemorywalk - LOL, DON'T GET LOST!

#warrenbuffettcaneatone - We'll show him.

#whatmakesyoushit - Nutella here.

#suicidesnotfunny - "Especially when it happens to babies." -Nick Swardson

#twitterblackhole - SPACE RACISM, SPACISM

#bologna - YOU ARE

#howdidyoulosealimb - If it doesn't apply, make it apply. Be a team player.

#hitlerslostkids - They are probably different.

#goodreasonstostabsomebody - The list is quite long.

#vidiergamesisimportant - Truth and facts pandemic = Twitter

###### - Send Twitter to hell with this rip in spacetime.

#poltergeistporn - Make it happen Little Hollywood.

#ijustdiedinyourarmstonightmustvebeensomethingyoutwittered - Updated for today's lazy/boring generation.

#pourmilkshakesoninvalids - Or as I call it, my weekend.

#ididalotofboringshittodaybutthankgodifinallycanputitupontheinternetforstrangerstosee - Man, there is angst in my DNA.

#redstoolatnightdoctorsdelight - Something personal.

#nazidogscallmichaelbay - Have an idea? Call Michael Bay.

#whatdidyoustealtoday - I stole a rolo cylinder from the gas station. The thrill of my life.

#swearonyourmothersgrave - I mean step on it and say curse words.

#popcornandporntuesday - It's either this or go to the aquarium while The Moody Blues plays and Morgan Freeman narrates.

#allergictobananassunday - The Sabbath. CC Sabbathia.

#gimmebackmyson - I yell this to end conversations I do not enjoy.

Now it is your turn.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Jeff Ma Translation

What he meant to say:

"1) Fuck all you losers. Why don't any of you guys get it? No one actually likes Protrade. No one logs on, because boLTs is really gay. To be honest, I can't log onto PT because the Chinese government blocked it. I can only log onto Facebook, because most Chinese people would kill themselves otherwise. Do you really think that anyone besides nerds in their basement like PT? For God's sake, it was made by a Poker Genius from MIT and a middle aged white guy with an ugly hairline."

"2) We are going to leave the site as is, and make Oski do everything. He is happy from his move up from janitor. After Trevor quit, I had real trouble finding employees. Plus, I am broke. That's why Oski came in, even though his only degree is making jokes at the wrong times.

Please do not send me any of your questions. I've heard it all. The answer is yes, PT is done."



Will do

Think you got what it takes to be part of SlamBall? Fill out this form, tell us a little bit about yourself and you could be the next SlamBall MVP or Coach of the Year! We're looking for talented, accomplished athletes and coaches to come to SlamBall and take the sport even higher.

First Name: Brock

Last Name: Blankenship

Birthday: July 4th, 1976

Hometown: Olympia, Washington

Are you applying for: Coach

Height: 6'5"

Weight: 274

Primary Sport: Pick-up Slamball

How'd you hear about Slamball: Mang, I straight up live Slamball. Eat, drink, sleep, bootycall, shoot firearms at Slamball. Slamball is my life and death. I heard about it on One Tree Hill.

Phone Number: 555-5309

Comments (Sports Background): My pops got me my first trampoline when I was five. Then he got drunk and drove the truck into my basketball goal. I just happened to be chilling on the trampoline when the truck jettisoned the goal straight for me. In a fell swoop, I jumped up and dunked the ball into the hoop and then screamed from all the confusion. In doing so, I invented slamball. You stole the idea from me, and I am back to reclaim what should be mine. Comeuppance will be swift and painful.

I will coach you into insolvency.

Monday, July 20, 2009

The moon landing


I mean it. Whatever.

I was -16 when we landed on the moon. Oh excuse me, the Moon. It's the Moon. We own the rights to this moon, so it is capitalized in typed conversational language. If you want an accurate depiction, check out the 1999 movie Man on the Moon. Even if you are not into space, I will shoot you into space if you do not like this movie. -Roger Ebert

Landing on the moon gave us penicillin from the milked space coconuts. Some claim we murdered K-PAX while on the moon, which we hope to confirm on our next voyage into space. By the way, if you want to settle the "critics vs. non-critics" debate, go here. K-PAX was one of the worst movies ever made.

Right, the moon!

Buzz Aldrin says "let's go to Mars" like it's a walk in the park. We'll go to Mars when we're good and ready, gramps. Space costs money, and I don't know if you caught the news on the Hallmark Channel, but money is hard to come by. I notice it every day. Nobody wants the fries, they just want the dollar menu. And then the manager tells us to give out free burritos? This feels like Grapes of Wrath of Kahn.

Fix the economy, and we can all move to Saturn. Ball's in your court, Aldrin.

What is so special about Mars? It is the red-headed step child of an overrated solar system. To me it's a drunk version of the Moon. Up there orbiting with no sense of step! Look at this. TIGHTEN IT UP, MARS.

I don't think I will be alive when we land on Mars. I will have a kid who was also -16 when we do. Those two sentences contradict each other, but you suck.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Brain Rush

As part of Cartoon Network's "CN Real" campaign, the show Brain Rush exists. On it, contestants are asked general knowledge questions while riding a roller coaster at your neighborhood conglomerate amusement park. The show marks the apex of pressure quizzlers....OR DOES IT?

I'm a television producer. The internet allows me to claim as much. I'm fielding a few ideas for new pressure quizzlers, but I'd also appreciate your opinion on what I'm currently throwing at the wall. Throwing and fielding.

Plane Crash Quiz - You're on a plane as it descends rapidly toward the ground! What's the capital of Bangladesh? Do you want $75 or not? There's no time for life vests.

Murder Quiz - As someone attempts to stab you, that same person asks you questions of general knowledge. How long does it take for blood to clot? Check your stomach.

Hooker Quiz - While receiving night treats, a hooker asks you knowledge questions that are general. How long does it take for blood to clot? Check your stomach.

Waterboarding Quiz - Except with Hi-C instead of water. Questions are general knowledge.

Listen to Sports Talk Radio Quiz - Try answering knowledge questions general while sports radio rapidly decays your brain.

Hear that voice in the background? It's Chris Russo. 2 + 2 = Iowa

Several Quizzes at Once - Who was Warren G. Harding's Secretary of the Interior? What do you call a person who studies mollusks? How many years did the Portuguese Restoration War last? Please answer in reverse order.

Swine Flu Quiz - Avoid the spray of a super soaker full of swine flu juice and answer questions for like $58 or whatever.

Taking the bit too far quiz - shut up