For his birthday.
I puked all over America's fertile plain. Oh, it's fertile alright. Hot dog syrup and chocolate milk projectiles feed the soil. This is not liquor induced, this is freedom induced. The freedom to eat until I puke.
I also gave America Life Alert because America is old. America might fall down the stairs after a loud noise startles America. That's why America can only take one day of fireworks per year.
Did you forget America's birthday?