Monday, July 6, 2009

The planets suck

Let's POWER rank them:

9. Neptune - Blow planet. Methane makes it blue and sucky. It's overrated and hasn't been relevant for years. It's washed up. Neptune, more like Craptune, or Nepcrap, or both. I wouldn't care if it lost gravitational orbit and floated away to Hell.

8. Mercury - Ooooooo, you're closest to the Sun. Big deal. Quit kissing the Sun's ass, ass kissing cemetary planet. Aliens don't even come from you because it's hotter than Atlanta during a meteor shower and/or meteor bath. Mercury is a dump.

7. Earth - This planet is a nerd and a wuss, and is more feeble than Powder. PLUS IT'S FULL OF JERKS.

6. Venus - Nice going, jackass, now no one can breathe. Wars should take place on this planet. Venus is full of reflective clouds of sulfuric acid. "Say that cloud looks lik- *DEAD* Nuke Venus, America.

5. Mars - Mars sucks BIGTIME.

4. Jupiter - Fat planet. This planet sits on the couch and watches Maury and waits for the check to roll in so they can afford basic and pizza. You would shoot this planet if the repercussions were minimal. Jupiter has a big red spot. It's a couch sore and let's just hope it becomes thoroughly infected and malignant.

3. Saturn - Lots of rings because it's a whore planet that courts all the other planets and they gave it rings. Logic is abound in that sentence.

2. Pluto - Why even include Pluto? Scientists have debated its inclusion as a major planet. Translation: Pluto is a useless retard.

1. Uranus - Thanks Uranus. You gave hacks like Tony Kornheiser an instant punchline. AHAA HAA, YOU SAID URANUS BUT YOU REALLY MEANT MY ASSHOLE.

are these the best planets jebus could play doh?


  1. I love power rankings.

    I enjoy power rankings of anything.

  2. Mission to Mars is hilarious. My favorite scene is when Tim Robbins takes off his helmet. The movie tries to be so deep, but it's just too awful.