Music Review: Peter Gammons "Never Slow Down, Never Grow Old"

Peter Gammons is a great whatever. He had an aneurysm.

His CD supports a great cause, barring a perusal of their annual report, the "Foundation to be Named Later". Check out these knockout beneficiaries. Damn, if that doesn't help you sleep at night, take 25 Xanax because I'm a doctor.

So he's a good dude who says dumb things like: "Nomar Garciaparra [circa 2005] for MVP." And he's pretty much allowed carte blanche unapologetic homerism. He rode that ship to the Hall of Fame!!! Nevertheless, he seems like a good guy, right? (His CD was only "tree" dollars.)

"Tree" dollars too much. Let's look at this track by track.

1. Model Citizen - Good but not great. Also, not good. Like forcing an orchestra to play while a Tommy gun shoots them in a burning building but for good money.

2. She Fell From Heaven - Did she? Could she get up? Negative four stars.

3. Promised Land - Promised bland. Delivered. Pun time son.

4. Cinderella Superstar - Do I have to tell you how bad it is? Just look at the name and take a wild guess.

5. Death or Glory - I chose death during the first track. Please oblige.

6. NyQuil Blues - Are you trying to tell us something, Mister Gammons? Let's just check the medicine cabinet while you have a seat on the sofa.

7. Bad Teeth - Really. I won't attempt to do this justice.

8. Love's Made a Fool of You - You needed to see the looks I received at the record store for buying this. I would've left with more dignity if I took a dump on the floor and stomped the dump into the carpet. The imagery is appropriate and reflects precisely how I feel.

9. Tanqueray - Is there a CD of John Kruk's hangover noises? There is?! Is it three dollars? Great.

10. Wake Me, Shake Me - So you can start singing? No thanks. Take a long nap, Rip Van Winkle.

11. Carol - Couldn't make it this far. I guess it's about his other or John Olerud.

12. Come, Labor On - Okay, he has to be effing with me. The title of the album's last song fits too perfectly. Is he sending a message? "I know it sucks but it is for a good cause" type stuff.

In conclusion, you'll get eardrum polyps from this.