The moon landing

Whatever.

I mean it. Whatever.

I was -16 when we landed on the moon. Oh excuse me, the Moon. It's the Moon. We own the rights to this moon, so it is capitalized in typed conversational language. If you want an accurate depiction, check out the 1999 movie Man on the Moon. Even if you are not into space, I will shoot you into space if you do not like this movie. -Roger Ebert

Landing on the moon gave us penicillin from the milked space coconuts. Some claim we murdered K-PAX while on the moon, which we hope to confirm on our next voyage into space. By the way, if you want to settle the "critics vs. non-critics" debate, go here. K-PAX was one of the worst movies ever made.

Right, the moon!

Buzz Aldrin says "let's go to Mars" like it's a walk in the park. We'll go to Mars when we're good and ready, gramps. Space costs money, and I don't know if you caught the news on the Hallmark Channel, but money is hard to come by. I notice it every day. Nobody wants the fries, they just want the dollar menu. And then the manager tells us to give out free burritos? This feels like Grapes of Wrath of Kahn.

Fix the economy, and we can all move to Saturn. Ball's in your court, Aldrin.

What is so special about Mars? It is the red-headed step child of an overrated solar system. To me it's a drunk version of the Moon. Up there orbiting with no sense of step! Look at this. TIGHTEN IT UP, MARS.

I don't think I will be alive when we land on Mars. I will have a kid who was also -16 when we do. Those two sentences contradict each other, but you suck.