In the coming weeks, I may or may not go through all the positions for fantasy football. For now, I'm going to rank the QBs and tell you why my rankings are so good.
1. Drew Brees
It's not likely he'll repeat last year's numbers, but you don't know that.
2. Tom Brady
I thought he might struggle early on this year just because of rust, but don't worry, ESPN assured me that nothing can stop him. Did you realize he was married to Gisele Bundchen? Because he is, ESPN told me. Let's all take a break to realize how perfect he is.
3. Peyton Manning
Sure, he's pretty much a guarantee to be great, but his numbers aren't flashy. Or something. Jim Sorgi is currently hurt, so if you do draft Manning, also draft both Sorgi and Curtis Painter as his hand cuffs. You're supposed to hand cuff QBs, right? That sounds kinda kinky.
4. Aaron Rodgers
I want to make a Favre joke here, but that really only shows how lazy of a writer I am.
5. Kurt Warner
Apparently he was a huge injury risk last year when he missed zero games. If he does get hurt, they can harvest organs from the useless Matt Leinart. Just stay away from his liver. Also, I wouldn't worry too much, Kurt and God are like brothers or something.
6. Tony Romo
A lot of people seem to think TO was causing a lot of problems with Tony. Apparently, losing a great WR will help. I agree with this. Tony can throw better now that his broken heart is healed.
7. Donovan McNabb
Draft him, then quickly announce that you're predicting a season full of nagging injuries. Even if you don't win the league, you'll still have bragging rights for a great prediction.
8. Kyle Orton
Claim to know a scout that compared Orton to Brady, then trade him for Brady.
9. Jay Cutler
The Broncos seemed to really dislike Jay Cutler. Either they're not smart, or they know something we don't. I'm going to go with option 2 and move Cutler to the bottom of my QB list.
10. Matt Ryan
Could he emerge as a fantasy stud this year? Seriously, tell me.
11. Matt Schaub
Draft him higher if you can convince the Texans to trade for Calvin Johnson.
12. Ben Roethlisberger
Ben always finds a way to take pressure off his team by getting in trouble during the offseason. You've got to love a team player, unless you're in a fantasy league.
13. Matt Cassel
He's getting paid a lot. Only think about salaries when drafting players.
14. Phillip Rivers
I have him this low because my league has a Douche Factor. Move him up if you're in a stupid league without the Douche Factor. Just to clarify, it punishes teams that have douches on their team. Douche.
15. Carson Palmer
He simply has to throw the ball a lot. Giving Cedric Benson more work is like a crime against nature.
16. Matt Hasselbeck
This effer almost ruined my season last year until someone dropped Warner. Don't draft him purely for the sake of my spite.
17. Eli Manning
Career advice for all you young footballers out there: Try as hard as you can to be a mediocre QB. You'll get paid more than the great QBs(see Manning, Peyton) and the great RBs that save your job(see Jacobs, Brandon). Or learn to be a left-handed pitcher.
From here on, it really doesn't matter, so I will give you no commentary.
18. David Garrard
19. Trent Edwards
21. Chad Pennington
22. Joe Flacco
23. Tim Tebow
24. Jason Campbell
25. Shaun Hill
26. JaMarcus Russell
27. Marc Bulger
28. Brady Quinn