Once Knepp gets back from his camping trip, he's going to start nagging me about how I never write on this blog anymore, so here you goes.
I was thinking about the utter demise of our ad idea, when I started pondering effective yet cheap advertising strategies. The first that came to mind was obviously duct-taping Knepp to a billboard, and having the original purchaser of the billboard pay for our publicity. I figured too many people wouldn't recognize him that way, so I crumpled up the idea and dunked it into the trash can (this kind of dunk). Next, I came up with an even better idea to paste pictures of Knepp on random foods around the grocery store, and writing "illiterateblog.blogspot.com" in Sharpie on all the fruits in the produce section, but I'm pretty sure it's too good not to be illegal. Then I thought we could send Knepp to the World Series so that he could run around the field naked, making obscure animal noises with "illiterateblog.blogspot.com" written across his butt, but that wouldn't work for a plethora of reasons.
Now that you've heard 3 of the million things I came up with that "wouldn't work", welcome to the one-million-first: Advertisements within advertisements. Let's say there's a 3-minute commercial slot between, oh, I don't know, iCarly and Drake and Josh (would've been Hannah Montana and Corey in the House, but I'm not a child. Jeesh.). We buy it up for, say, 800,000 for 'x' amount of days. The money will be drawn from CW's Paypal account, in case this doesn't work.
Then with our phenomenal negotiating skills, we get OTHER commercials to appear WITHIN our commercial. Genious? I no. It would go something like this:
[iCarly credits end]
[Knepp walks into a blank room with a green-screen for a background, which isn't being used for any graphical effects since, wouldn't you know it, we can't afford it.]
Jared: Welcome, one and all! I'm here to talk to you about a site. This site is awesome. This site is crazy. I'll explain what this site is about, and even this site's URL, after a word from our sponsors. "Sponsors," you say? Why yes. How else do you think we'd be doing this?
[Tired of watching cable? You should switch to DirecTV, spelled with just one T. It's better than cable, because you get to watch a lot more channels. Instead of watching iCarly on just one channel, you can watch it on five! You even get extra channels that exclusively air commercials! You'll even get channels that you'll have to pay additional fees to watch! Make the switch, and you'll be a more successful person!]
[Did you screw up in high school and now have absolutely no hope for a future anywhere other than the burger joint across the street? I know I did. But then I went to education connection, and got an online degree with money that I don't have, because I work in a burger joint, remember? Now I'm in debt, and it turns out that the economy is so poor right now, that when I wanted an upgrade to cash register and showed my bosses my new degree, they laughed in my face! If I was persuasive enough to get you to sign up in the first 10 seconds of this commercial, good luck to you, sucker. I'm actually a paid actress who's on the fast track to retirement at 30!]
[Do you want toned abs like mine? Well, let me introduce you to the AB Coaster! I'm not too keen on how it works, or even if it works, because I've never personally tried it before, but check out these cool special effects, graphs, and charts that clearly show how great this machine is for your abs! Oh, and take a look at these before and afters! This one is of a frowning fat guy before, and a smiling fat guy sucking in his stomach after! This one is of a frowning fat lady before, and a completely different woman after! This one is of a frowning fat man before, and I'm pretty sure he gets fatter after! You should probably know that this machine is absolutely worthless if you don't follow our strict diet with 8-9 hours of exercise a week on this machine. Do it now, and we'll throw in this free handbag! Why not?]
Jared: Well, it seems like we're just about out of time! It sort of sucks that this commercial advertised everything but this blog, but it was fun, right? Now go to illiter- [Commercial ends due to Aaron's poor time management skills]
Just forget it.