Passive Aggressive Horoscope

Aries - Today is a big day for you. The successes you have long planned for are coming true. I bet you're really happy about it, too. Yeah, you've done a great job. Really great job by you there. I'm happy for you, but not as happy as you are for yourself. No one is that happy.

Taurus - Be cautious. A relationship you once cherished may be broken. Namely, the one between you and your horoscope reader.

Gemini - Be aware of people's moods. I mean, you usually aren't, but if you could, try to have genuine concerns for others today. They will rely on you for some reason. Maybe take a break out of your perfect life for the unclean once in a while.

Cancer - Wow, you sure are upfront re: your emotions. I guess that's important. I mean, I don't know. In everyday life it's probably not important, but you keep doing what makes you feel good. The accounting office could definitely use a prima donna.

Leo - Life is going great for you. You don't need me.

Virgo - Nothing is going right for you at the moment. Don't worry though, things will change. Not for you, but for the other gajillion people born from August 23rd to September 22nd. By the way, did you know astrology is bullshit?

Libra - You may think otherwise, but trust me, no one cares. I'd label this one 'aggressive' only.

Scorpio - You need to go on vacation. You've earned it? Yeah well, convince yourself you've earned it. Parlay all those hours of listening to sports talk radio and playing freecell into a justification for time off. I'll just be sitting at a computer making your horoscopes all day.

Sagittarius - If you still know how, get intimate with someone, preferably without transaction.

Capricorn - Don't be caught off guard if someone doesn't comment on your haircut today. A lot of people are too busy or vested in reality to notice frivolous things. Don't let it get you down. The office is full of mirrors. Fun fact: You're a bitch.

Aquarius - I would consider you smart, but you are reading horoscopes. That's a definite minus. The elbow tattoo doesn't help either. Oh, and someone in your family is going to die probably.

Pisces - It's going to be a great day. That, or the Apocalypse. I'm wondering if you will even notice.