BLURBITY BLUR

FARF

Probably the dumbest thing ever.

Gregg Easterbrook

If (Vince) Young keeps winning, Tebow could rocket up to the top five picks in the 2010 draft. Tim -- send Vince a case of champagne!

Someone....type something for me.

Gregg's dog's name is Dublin. I couldn't imagine talking to this guy for more than two minutes without fainting from rage.

Forty times: 4.48 for Young, 4.68 for Tebow...but we knew that. We knew Young was faster.

I don't know if anyone's noticed....(this is Tebow's worst year) SHHHHHHHHH, DON'T LET THAT OUT IN THE OPEN. THEY WILL STONE US AND CONDEMN US AS WITCHES. KEEP YOUR TYPING DOWN.

In his last year, Young threw for 3036 yards with a 65.2% completion percentage and ran for 1050 yards on 155 carries. Tebow is in an offense that is designed for him to carry the ball, and thus far he has carried it 203 times for 859 yards. PEDESTRIAN. He is about as accurate as Young.

Find me a mock draft with Tim Tebow in the top five. GO!

Tim Tebow Crying

There is no doubting the fate of humankind now. We are screwed.

The athletic wise men hath proclaimed him the sole hope for our lost souls. What are we to do when he is reduced to tears? I feel like seeing if I can fly. It's my only recourse.

He looked so downtrodden. So....defeated.

We are also crying, Timothy. We are also crying.

-Bill Plaschke

Vendettas

Plaschke

November 13th, 2009

Lakers are able to slow and eventually smother the team that thrill-seeking fans hoped would be their biggest Western rival.

The NBA's traveling carnival came to town Thursday, tilt-a-whirl breaks and cotton candy shots everywhere.


Right.
-Carnival = The highest scoring team at 111.4 PPG and the second best passing team with 24.3 APG.
-Cotton candy shots = 50.1% on FG, 44.8% from three, leading the league in both.

The currently 13-3 Phoenix Suns. Such an embarrassment to the league.

It rolled in here after owning Boston, owning Miami, owning Philadelphia, turning the early season into its own Disneyland.

"This is a fun team," chortled the Phoenix Suns Leandro Barbosa early Thursday evening at Staples Center. "We play fun basketball."

Then the diamond-studded locals wandered in, wise to the midway and wary of the rides and unimpressed with the barking.

Three hours later, the NBA's traveling carnival had been reduced to a collection of creaky metal and cracked mirrors in a church parking lot.

Bunch of losers, beating the Celtics in Boston? Meh, says I. They have a roster full of chortling buffoons who do not know how to set a good screen or foul based on race, two ingrained fundamentals on which James Naismith built this fine game.

The Lakers won a regular season game, before the season is even 1/4 over, 121-102 over the Suns. THIS IS GROUNDBREAKING STUFF. The Suns' whole state of being has been eternally negated.

Even though the Suns started the season 6-1, they cannot win a championship with this system.

I agree with this. The tone he takes is just a bag of dead cats.

That wild and crazy Suns shooting? They missed nine of their first 11 attempts. A team that had previously made a league-best half of its shots wound up shooting just 37%.

Funny how those rainbows aren't so pretty with a hand in your face or Ron Artest in your gut.

Here we are, and they still lead the league.

Plaschke's tone is his way of saying: "This isn't real basketball. Real basketball is basketball that I appreciate. It's basketball that the unclean simply don't understand."

Most NBA fans agree the Suns aren't winning a championship in this manner, basically because they have black holes at the 1,4 and 5 on defense. Hell, it's not like Grant Hill and J-Rich are going to make any all defensive teams either. With the personnel they have, littered with professionals allergic to defense, they push the tempo and maximize the possessions. And they're 13-3, so go suck an egg.

What's Plaschke's alternative?

Interesting how, while having no visible center makes you faster on offense, it can turn you into jelly on defense.

A visible center? Like Shaq? That worked great, missing the playoffs and all. Plus:

PPG 09-10: 111.4
PPG 08-09: 109.4

Opp. PPG 09-10: 105.9
Opp. PPG 08-09: 107.5

This year they are +5.5, last year they were +1.9.

I agree a center would help, as Channing Frye couldn't guard Andrew Bynum with stilts and scimitar arms. But maybe, just maybe, the Suns wanted to put that experiment to sleep, and evaluate the need for a defensive center during the 2010 draft. Meanwhile, Channing Frye leads the team with 41 3pt. makes. That seems to fit their philosophy, a philosophy, by the way, that's resulted in a 13-3 record.

They cannot consistently beat a team with an established big man, and after his sixth game this season, Bynum is looking pretty established.

I don't disagree. HOWEVAH! He's writing this article based on one game. Hey, I can do that!

Take this game: A 101-91 win by the Rockets in the mecca of Plashcke basketball (plaschketball) Los Angeles, California. Aaron Brooks puts up a 33-6-4 with five threes in 40 minutes. Derek Fisher puts up 7-6-5 on 3-13 shooting and five personal fouls. Here's an article, in true Plachke style, that I could write:

"The Lakers point guard lacking brand of heathen sinball is a travesty to the cosmos and they will be destroyed by the visible point guards in the National Basketball Association.

'We play big down low.' CHORTLED Andrew Bynum, as he chowed down on indeterminate innards. This brand of having shit for point guards has been tried before, with disastrously satanic results that make baby jesus sob in the fetal position. HEED! HEED!"

In other words, anyone could do his job. Even most monkeys.

For now, it's enough that he can shut down the Suns, no matter how many times they score 250 points against some other rubes.

Once again, the carnival stops here.

Stop the presses. The defending champions are better than a team that missed the playoffs last year. AGHAST'D

Plaschke

I'll preface.

I agree with Bill. That is a pretty drastic pay cut for a guy who deserves better. If you refuse to click the link, I am referring to 87-year-old Dodger scout George Genovese. The Dodgers are cutting his annual part-time salary from $18,000 to $8,000, which seems steep considering all the details of the owner's divorce proceedings. (Plaschke thinks this)

Now, if you will consult your bibles, you will see that Plaschke has a soft spot for scouts and, most likely, a soft spot on his head. You know he's crying heavy tears when typing yet another fluffy scribe.

So why does Genovese deserve $18,000? Let's let him tell his story:

"I don't know who listens to me anymore," he said. "I'm not sure anybody does."

Oh.....alright.

Hmmm, let's do a 180 here. I actually think you should be fired.

Genovese doesn't use a computer, and fears his handwritten notes are being ignored, as several of his prospects have been drafted by other clubs.

He also doesn't use a stopwatch or the newfangled equipment of younger scouts, and fears his old-fashioned approach is being used against him.

Here's an example of a handwritten note from Genovese:

"I don't like that Kemp fellah because I don't think he's allowed to play in the majors, yet."

(low blow indeed)

For the life of me, I do not understand why this is an acceptable excuse. There are tools to make your job and your coworkers' jobs much easier. If you choose not to use them, I have no sympathy for you. If you can't use them, you're 87 years old. You should be happy they care even this much.

"I know this is a different era, but baseball is baseball, isn't it?" said Genovese, who has yet to sign a Dodger who has made it to the major leagues, but has tipped other scouts on hundreds of local players he knows better than anyone.

Some will argue that the Dodgers are being charitable by continuing to employ an 87-year-old man. But like Evans said, scouting is different. Age is an asset. Experience is irreplaceable.

Key here: "has yet to sign a Dodger who has made it to the major leagues"

I AM arguing that the Dodgers are being charitable by continuing to employ an 87-year-old man. I like how Plaschke doesn't name a single player in the article. Wouldn't want to indict this fossil with something 100% relevant like a performance evaluation, would ya Plaschke?

Again, in Bill Plaschke's world, age = infallibility, experience = infinite employment, modern tools = the devil's workshop.

For the record, when Plaschke writes an article, he uses the original moving type printing press.

Logan White, the Dodgers' assistant general manager in charge of scouting, said, "I try to use George the best I can, but I know everybody always wants to be used more."

White did not deny the pay cut, saying only, "I can't go into details about it, but I'm taking a different path here and making changes in the whole staff. I can tell you it has nothing to do with the divorce or with finances. We're just trying to improve our local feel."

But what can feel more local than a North Hollywood guy whose name is attached to scouting's highest honor, the Professional Baseball Scouts Foundation's George Genovese Lifetime Achievement Award?

Way to go! That last part is worth noting! Way to wait until near the end of your article to point it out!

Genovese hasn't always sucked at scouting. This is a pretty decent list of serviceable to AS caliber players. One thing to notice: jack squat for the Dodgers. Logan White tried to put it nicely, but he basically meant: "What will it take to get this old man to go home?"

"I'm here if they need me," he said. "I'm always here if they need me."

....eh, I wouldn't throw the word "always" around too much at your age.

Until then, he will drive around town in search of a game, ignored but unbowed, his biggest crime being that he is not a fancy swimming pool or a Four Seasons hotel room.

"I'm just a baseball guy," said George Genovese, scouting superhero, the Eight Thousand Dollar Man.

Scouting Superhero? Most superheroes can use a computer. They're called supercomputers. *rimshot*

Anyway, I get what Plaschke is saying. The McCourt's suck, so why should they take it out on this walking bag of flesh? I'm just paraphrasing there. But, the point remains, be nice to old people because they become ghosts.

Bordering on insanity now

I downloaded Fireshot at work today because we have nothing to do. Today I captured this:













2006 NY Jets (no Favre): 10-6
2008 NY Jets (Favre): 9-7

All Brett Favre supporters. 100% of them. Are dumb.

Mort always making sense

What's worse than reading too much into MLB pitcher wins? Probably reading more into NFL QB wins. Dave Krieg has more wins than Steve Young. Better QB then, right? Also, Roman Gabriel has more wins than Roger Staubach, Kerry Collins has more wins than Joe Theismann, and Craig Morton has more wins than Y.A. Tittle.

If you put Aaron Rodgers on the Vikings, his teammates would all kill themselves because Aaron Rodgers is quite possibly the world's worst leader of all time.

He is about to become football's A-Rod, PARDON THE GODDAM PUN.

Update: What is with articles like this? Favre won the Super Bowl in the 1996-97 season. 1996!

An ignorant MMA post

Boy howdy, that UFC fighting sure was on television last night.

I enjoyed the bully beatdown guy fighting the guy who pitches for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. I'm surprised the manager for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, Joe Maddon, would allow James Shields to fight in the Mixed Martial Arts. But James Shields was very good at fighting as boringly as humanly possible. Mmmmmmmm, let's get on the floor and pop friction boners for twenty minutes. Mmmmmmmmmmm. Maybe I do not appreciate the artistry of greco-prussian nipple grapple choke-wrastlin', or maybe I do and I just don't know how to quit you.

Then Arvydas Sabonis' nephew fought Mister T's grandson. Let me tell you what.

Bully Beatdown

That dude lost

Brett Favre's revenge

This is more like it. !!!

He will add another chapter this year. Get ready, Vikings fans. It's inevitable, and it's coming.

Patriots Dolphins Preview

WILDCAT WILDCAT WILDCAT WILDCAT WILDCAT WILDCAT WILDCAT WILDCAT WILDCAT WILDCAT WILDCAT WILDCAT WILDCAT WILDCAT WILDCAT WILDCAT TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY WILDCAT WILDCAT WILDCAT WILDCAT WILDCAT

Highest Payed Players By Team

Yankees: A-Rod, Jeter, Teixeira - 3 MVP candidates - $71 M/ Year

Mets: Beltran, Johan, Sheffield - 2 great players, one sucktacular signing - $51 M/Year

Cubs: Soriano, Zambrano, A-Ram - Zambrano is mentally damaged, not mentioned = Ted Lilly ($12M), Fukudome ($11M) - $51M/Year

Red Sox: JD Drew, Ortiz, Lowell - Not bad, except for Drew - $39M/ Year

Tigers: Magglio, Cabrera, Bonderman - This is horrible. $18 million benching? Dontrelle Willis $10M - $44M/ Year

Angels - Vlad, Matthews Jr., Hunter - Good spending team. Matthews had a .670 OPS this year but overall not bad. - $43/ Year

Mariners - Beltre, Ichiro, Silva - *Puke*, this is disgusting. - $43/ Year


I hope my Facebook friends read this.

Prediction for Game Four, Kate Hudson continues to suck

Deep down, none of us care. NFL Football has a monopoly on Sunday (sorry God), so everything else takes a back seat, with the few exceptions, like a drinking and/or gambling problem. Nevertheless, I'm going to tell you exactly what happens in this game.

You hear me, Kate? I'm going to do something right. Take notes. Face.

The Phillies are throwing out Fat Joe Blanton. That was cute last year when they were playing the Tampa Bay Where the Hell are We's in the World Series. Blanton is 0-3 with a 8.18 ERA in four starts against the Yankees. Alex Rodriguez has two homers in seven ABs against him. He needs one more homer to set the Yankees single postseason mark with seven.

See that. Right there on the field, Kate? LOOK AT THE FIELD, KATE. That is success. That's the closest you will ever come to it.

My pick: Yankees 10, Phillies 5 and the series will go Yankees in six. That way we finally get to see Nick Swisher even drunker than he is on the field.

Kate, I think a failure like Nick Swisher is more your style. He sports a nifty .175/.316/.286 in 77 career postseason plate appearances. You two lovebirds should make the beast with two backs. Conceive a baby with failure for blood.

Or hell, go after Joe Blanton. Athletes are dumb. Face.

Big Deal, Kate Hudson

So your beau hit a Classic Jack. It was against Cole Hamels, who is clearly a mental midget. Lol. That story still makes me laugh. To this day.

So it doesn't count.

The only A-Rod homers that count are the ones that give the Yankees a winning margin. It's currently eight to four, Yankees. If you subtract two from eight, you get six, STILL LARGER THAN FOUR, HARPY QUEEN.

To top it all off "You, Me, Dupree, and all of Al Qaeda" hit the cable rounds this week. Another round of trash from your meaningless career. Two good movies in your lifetime: "Almost Famous" and "About Adam". According to RT, that's 2-for-16. That's a .125 average. No wonder A-Rod is all up in your pants. Even he has a .294 career average in postseason play. Guess he figures hanging out with an abject failure will make him look good in comparison. I say it's fool's gold, a phrase used as the title for your worst film, Miss Hudson.

Why isn't Kate Hudson subject to the same disdain as Paris Hilton? Hilton got sweet coin from her parents because they were hotel moguls. Well, Kate Hudson was bequeathed an entire career because her mother is Goldie Hawn, who BTW won an Oscar at 25 and was nominated for another at 36. Your stupid ass was just double nominated for two razzies. DOUBLE NOMINATED. And yet she continues to get work on name alone.

So the next time you feel the need to get some face time during MY World Series, think again hagatha christie. I do not care if you break up with A-Rod and Matt Stairs swoops in for leftovers. Baseball nerds are watching you, and we don't find you remotely attractive unless you are doing math.

5 Things That You've Probably Already Planned To Do This Halloween

1. As a middle-aged man/woman/man-woman, dress up like a boy/girl/boy-girl for Halloween, and go door-to-door collecting candy, regardless of whether or not you have children. Perhaps tag along with an unsuspecting family to minimize absolute awkwardness. Once the parents of the children send their children to the front door of 'House X', this is your cue to go with them, ring the doorbell, and scream trick-or-treat. The kindly old grandmother who answers the door will usually take a while to reminisce about her days as a carefree child.

Grandmother: Why, aren't you adorable! What are you?

Kid #001: I'm CINDERELLA.

Grandmother: Oh, I remember when Cinderella was MY favorite princess!

Kid #001: Well, she's MINE now!

[This is where Kid #001 and Grandma begin to slug each other over who's favorite Cinderella REALLY is. Grandmother usually wins with "experience points".]

Grandmother: Oh, and look at you! What are you, Kid number zero zero two?

Kid #002: I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Tutle!

Grandmother: Mutant Ninja Turtle? Why, I used to love those little fellas!

[After the can of whoop-astronaut Grandma just unleashed on Cinderella, this is quite believable.]

Grandmother: And what are you? A child pretending to be an adult pretending to be a child?

You: Just give me the kandy, you old bat.

Grandmother: You spelled candy wrong, sunny! But I can understand. You're just an innocent child!

You: Have you lost your mind, grams?!? This is dialogue!

[Grandmother has figured you out before you even conceived this idiotic idea, because Grandma just knows. Her grammar correction has only served as a decoy while she sics her 27 cats on you. The state has sued Grandma for one account of both child abuse and murder by cat, but Grandma has pleaded not guilty because "I'm a grandma". Just like a bad video game or those terrible "Choose your own adventure!" stories, "You're dead. Try again."]

2. If for whatever reason you have unearthly stamina powers, ding-dong-ditch every house in your neighborhood twice before the trick-and-treaters start taking candy from people. If my research has taught me anything, it's that they probably won't answer for the rest of the night, and all the little kids in your neighborhood will hate you. But that's what you wanted anyways, right? The script to this scenario usually ends in a hostile mob of children who corner you in the park and order you take off your pants, just for the heck of it. In attempts to sway the attention of the mob, you shout something like "HEY LOOK OVER THERE! ITS A BIG ORANGE DISTRACTION!" If only you had been able to experience the art of the decoy, as provided by grandma in scenario one,  perhaps you would have been able to point out some candy in the grass, or an entire pillowcase of candy up a tree. Nevertheless, your sorry excuse for a distraction has worked (foolish children), and you're home free for the next 3 seconds. You run to the house nearest by and beg the owners to let you in, but they won't answer, silly goose! Member why? You member.

3. Watch the Oregon and USC game. If you're out trick-but-treating, watch it anyway. I'm personally dressing up as a future robot thing, or at least that's what I'm calling it. It's pretty much an excuse to strap a television to my torso, also known as my "future suit". The television I hope to bring weighs maybe 200 pounds, so if you choose to take this advice, and you wake up the next morning without a back, please don't sue. I should think that watching such a good game would be worth the harmless cramps.

4. Watch a horror movie. This is probably a bad idea, because typically when you watch a horror movie on Halloween, you go through a real-life experience twice as horrible. Or at least that's what happens in all of the horror movies.

If you decide to watch a scene in which a man busts through the front door of the house with a chainsaw, then at that very instant, a man may break through with two chainsaws. He may even break a window once he's inside, just to piss you off.

Perhaps in another scene, the man is under the bed, and swings his baseball bat to hit the bottom of the bed, which scares the main character out of his/her/his-her wits. In your case, you'll be laying on a see-through cot (Not sure why you chose to sleep there in the first place, but people do really stupid things in these movies). Then the creeper under your bed hits you the same way, only with his new-found mace club, and without an actual "bottom" between him and you.

Or maybe you watch the Oregon and USC game, and USC wins. Lucky for you, there is nothing in this world that would be twice as horrible.

5. Lately, I've been practicing my candy hand-outing skills so that I don't embarrass myself in front of the children, and it was during my training that I came to a Halloween realization. There is no risk in trick-yet-treating. Either nobody answers your doorbell ring, or you get candy. I mean, maybe there's an occasional razor blade in your tootsie pop, or some polyurethane  mixed into your Laffy Taffy (although the jokes on the wrapper cause more damage than the actual tainted candy), buy those stories are few and far between. This is my proposition. Dress up as anything (if my television idea doesn't work, I'll probably wear a paper bag over my head). You will stay home, and wait by the front door. When the kids show up, you open the door and scream TRICK-OR-TREAT! The kids will be mildly confused, so just take some candy from each of their baskets, and explain to them how they've just landed on the whammy house. At the whammy house, you actually lose candy, so that trick-or-treating is more of a game of chance. You're actually doing the children a favor, because they might not learn the value of risk until it's too late. Happy Halloween, suckers.

Still waiting, K-Hud, ANDRE ETHIER IS CLUTCH AS SHIT

Where you at, sloozy? Your boy done gone another 0-4 with 3 Ks. Did you floozy the clutch out of him, you haggy bag of bones?

Speaking of clutch, congratulations to Andre Ethier for winning Pepsi's Everyone's a Dipshit Clutchity Clutch award.

Wanna see something funny? Okay. Here's Andre Ethier's numbers this year for innings 7-9:

.260/.371/.418, 5HRs, 32 RBIs, 21 runs in 210 plate appearances.

Here's Matt Kemp's:

.349/.406/.579, 9HRs, 37 RBIs, 31 runs in 217 plate appearances.

Proving once and for all that Pepsi is a racist corporation.

(I know Ethier had better numbers in extra innings. You don't have to tell me. Keep getting boners over 24 plate appearances, racist pepsi.)

McDonalds Cuts and Runs In Battle For Obesity in Iceland

REYKJAVIK (Yourmother) The battle for population control ceded a front in Iceland this week, as McDonalds corporation of America announced plans to pull up all offensive positions and retreat from the struggling island nation. "In terms of supplying weaponry, economic factors begin to combine with relatively low mortality and obesity rates to force our hand" McDonalds Brigadier General Michael McKerns said yesterday "We force all units to resupply all items in our arsenal from a central armory in Germany... the financial costs became unbearable" "Besides", he continued, "The people of Iceland are generally fit and our presence there was largely an astroturf movement anyway... let's focus our priorities on larger goals" Front line soliders were largely disappointed, "I'll miss slowly poisoning our regulars... I always looked forward to the sounds of arteries slowly clogging." said CSR Specialist Stacey O'Connell. Customers lined up around the block for a last chance at the poison pill. "I've never eaten here but heard I can keep their french fries unfrozen for up to ten years. That way, if the economy here continues to flush down the toilet we can survive off of those." When told of statements like these, Gen. McKerns had little to say, only offering thanks for small victories.

The Real News

WHAT NOW KATE HUDSON

Your boy went 0-4 with 3 Ks in the oh so pivotal Game One. Did you know that 11 of the last 12 Game One winners have gone on to win the World Series? Don't look that up. Corroborating is for losers. 100% of Game Seven winners go on to win the World Series. Suck facts, you.

Why did I capitalize game one?

I didn't watch the game. It was on at the bar, but when Cliff Lee is dealing, it's a foregone conclusion. Did he really need to throw 122 pitches, though? I know he's good for it, but 106 through eight with a 6-0 lead seems like a night's work. I should never question Charlie Manuel because he coaches with "his gut." Cannot question a man's gut. It's full of gutsy gut grit.

Anyway, what he did was stupid.

(Guts can't be stupid.) They can just be full of blackish gut juice and pepsin. Charlie was like: "Hey gut, what should I done? Leave him out there or send in Brett Myers for giggles? I know, I'll leave him out there. Say gut, do you like gumbo?"

His gut is full of gumbo.

UFO Guy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoytrHE821o

The site isn't letting me embed the video, so you'll have to click on it.

So you're a reporter for WGN in Chicago and you want to get some man on the street interviews

for a UFO story. How can you not go up to the guy who looks like he's coming off of mushrooms?

What a nugget of TV gold. The funniest part to me are the google ads that are associated with 

the video. The #1 match?

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Yankees Phillies Oh boy Part Two

When A-Rod wins the whole thing, all the deceased True Yankees will arise from their graves and hunt him down like zombies and kill him. That is all.