Saturday, March 3, 2012

I just re-found this while fucking around on the internet. Why did nobody confront me about how not-funny I was? I counted on you guys, and it took me until now to realize that you let me down. Thanks for that.

Thursday, April 28, 2011



Monday, May 3, 2010

Handling Stress 101

With hundreds of upcoming AP exams, thousands of upcoming college applications, millions of homework assignments, and one hour of sleep in the next year, I know what stress feels like. After waking up in my bathtub at 3:00 AM this morning, shaking and alone, I decided to do something about it. I thought to myself in my deranged state, "If class gives me stress, what should I do about it? Wait, I've got it! Make a class about it!" And "Handling Stress 101" was born.

This entry was originally something that I'd paste on the cover of each of my textbooks, to remind myself of efficient ways to handle stress, but after talking with my best friend - we'll call her Satli Avoldey - I realized that various people live under the same stress from different conditions. Satli got in trouble for being a very, very naughty girl. You see, Satli writes in pen on her wrists, text messages on her phone, and socializes with friends, which is simply intolerable. I mean, this chick is crazy. This one time, she rode a bike in open-toed shoes! When she's not around, people even talk about how she's probably going to have a baby while in wedlock! But for those viewers worried about my relationship with this girl, it's okay. I refuse to let her rebel ways rub off on me.

Miss Avoldey is under the same stress, because her parents have grounded her for these atrocities (and rightly so, I might add). She was so pissed off today, that I saw her accidentally step on a bug during passing period! With the following lesson, not only will I be lessening stress around the world, but hopefully I will be saving wildlife, as well.

Method #1 - Set up a sleeping bag within your home's pantry, find a 2-liter bottle for "disposal" purposes, and then lock yourself in. There's a good chance that your pantry has no lock, because people don't usually need privacy when in a food closet. In the case that there is no lock, hold the door closed with your foot, or a bag of potatoes. If the door opens in an outward function, you are out of luck. Once the door is secured, you have 24 hours to eat everything. It has been proven that while on a mission to blow up your midsection, it's very difficult to stay stressed about school. For those without a pantry but a consistently-high body temperature, the refrigerator is a sensible alternative.

Method #2 - If legally authorized to carry a firearm, go out into the forest and shoot holes into trees. I've heard that people hunt to relieve stress, but we're trying to save the wildlife, remember? I admit I've never tried this, but violence is usually the answer. If you don't have a gun, try kicking, punching, elbowing, head-butting, or biting. Believe me; it will hurt the tree more than it will hurt you. If you don't have a forest, you can attempt the same maneuvers on a cactus. I wish you luck.

Method #3 - Watch House while eating ice cream by the gallon. There's nothing like alleviating your own problems by watching someone else's. Plus that Gregory House is a total hunk. Don't you just love how he's a drug addict, a pervert, and a total a--hole? I can't stand the sarcasm, though.

Method #4 - Smoke a joint. Woah! How did that get there? Smoking is supposed to be a GREAT stress reliever. Like, REALLY TREMENDOUS. You'll be the CHILLEST GUY AROUND. But seriously, don't try it. I think it's bad for your lungs or something.

Method #5 - Drink booze. My gosh! I swear I am not writing this! Alcohol is the answer for most people, but don't try it. I mean it. You'll feel like THE COOLEST GUY IN TOWN, but no. I really don't know why I am unable to control what goes onto my blog.

Method #6 - Ecstasy. Now. What is going on?!?!?! You need to stop reading this blog before it's too late!

Method #7 - Make love to a stranger NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

{The author of this blog post has terminated this blog's content}

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

NCAA Tournament Picks with Ridiculously Limited Insight - Thursday

BYU (7) over Florida (10) - That Fredette fool is a beast. And I really don't know why Florida is even in the tournament. This pick came with much hesitation, because BYU has lost their last seven first-round tournament games. I was also hesitant because of my ridiculously limited insight.

Notre Dame (6) over Old Dominion (11) - I don't think this will be the blowout that some are expecting. Notre Dame is highly overrated at almost everything they do. Watching ODU beat Georgetown brings great hesitation (as does my ridiculously limited insight), but I think that Notre Dame takes this one now that they have Harangody back.

Villanova (2) over Robert Morris (15) - This doesn't require much explanation, or too much limited insight. I would like to inject, however, that Villanova seems like a team built around the tournament. As a matter of fact, I was the only one of my group of tournament friends who had Nova in the Final Four last year. Who knew 12 guards could be so effective?

Vanderbilt (4) over Murray State (13) - I wanted this to be an upset so badly, but I just couldn't pull the trigger. I'd say it's a good 60-40 shot in favor of Vanderbilt, making this the most feasible 4-13 upset apart from Siena over Purdue (which I suppose isn't saying much). Vanderbilt has strength from beyond the arc, and probably won't expose Murray State's lack of size. This is far too difficult for my ridiculously limited insight to handle.

Kansas State (2) over North Texas (15) - I have Kansas State in the Final Four for two of my five brackets. Sorry Kenny. Despite my ridiculously limited insight, I have little faith in the Orange.

Baylor (3) over Sam Houston State (14) - I have Baylor in the final four for one of my five brackets, and I can't really explain why. Maybe something to do with the insight.

Richmond (7) over St. Mary's (10) - By now, you have observed my limited insight, and it would appear as if I'm taking all of the top seeds. According to ESPN, however, I'm taking the team with 40% chances to win. I find the Atlantic 10 to be mildly underrated. Also, spiders scare Jared.

UTEP (12) over Butler (5) - Despite all the hype surrounding Cornell from the worldwide leader in sports, I like UTEP best for my 5-12 upset. Both have been very hot for the last couple of months, but I think that in the end, C-USA is the most under-appreciated conference of the two. Because I am under the age of 18, I am therefore a miner, so UTEP appeals to me and my limited insight all the more.

UNLV (8) over Northern Iowa (9) - I am in the minority with this pick (not racist), but I'm decently confident. Well, as confident as one can be with an 8-9 match-up and such ridiculously limited insight. Northern Iowa is a good team, but they haven't played a single game against a top-25 team, while UNLV has played nine.

Kentucky (1) over E Tenn St. (16) - E Tenn St. winning this game would be like the Chargers making the playoffs after a 4-8 start over the once 8-4 Broncos. I'd castrate myself if either of these happened.

Marquette (6) over Washington (11) - The Pac-10 really sucked this year, and I have no faith in the two teams that made it to get past the first round. I live in the west, so my ridiculously limited insight is only moderately limited in this case.

Georgetown (3) over Ohio (14) - I have Georgetown making the Elite Eight a few times in my brackets, but they are unfortunately paired with Kansas, so they make it no further. Ohio really shouldn't be a problem, though. A definite step up from last year.

Kansas (1) over Lehigh (16) - I wrestled with this one for hours. I'm still not really sure. Basically the flip of a coin. Well, after someone invents a one-sided coin.

Texas (8) over Wake Forest (9) - There is less talent in this match-up than in the 8-9 NCAA Women's game. I can honestly say that I don't think either of these teams would win the NIT. I'm just going to go with Texas after seeing WF lose to Cleveland St. last year as a 4-seed. Like, seriously. This game sucks.

New Mexico (3) over Montana (14) - Admittedly, I didn't pick any 14s, 15s, or 16s to win in the first round this year. This is the only 3-14 match-up that I've heard worries about from my even less-informed friends. New Mexico is a greatly underrated team (not by the rank, which I found rather generous, but just by the underrepresentation in sports talk) that I don't actually have going that far, but didn't think twice about with my first round pick.

Tennessee (6) over San Diego State (11) - In my opinion, too many people are jumping at the opportunity to take SDSU as their primary 6-11 upset pick. I did those wusses one better, and took Minnesota over Xavier. A Tennessee fan I am not, but I really don't think San Diego State is all it's cracked up to be, in accordance to my ridiculously limited insight.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

MINI DADDY!!!!1!11!uno!

Pass it on to all your friends. The new biggest thing has just been discovered.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Anger Rankings: Rihanna Songs Part 2

"Rihanna Sucks" - Ray Charles' last words

5. Disturbia - More like DisturBIATCH. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat. Important lyric: "Am I scaring you tonight?" Yeah, with the forehead.

4. Umbrella - Important lyric: "In the dark, you can't see shiny cars." That's why I'd like you to walk in the street. Wow, this is getting downright mean. Blame ESPN. "Coming up on ESPN Rihanna's entire album during Wizards-T'Wolves highlights! I'm Linda Cohn and I love the Yankees!"

3. Rehab - What, for music? You could use that clinic. Use it but good. Important lyric: "I don't want to smoke on these cigarettes no more." Why not? You could get a complete laryngectomy and make my day.

2. Russian Roulette - No comment.

1. Breakin' Dishes - How odd? I would buy a complete album of dishbreaking over even a free a download of one of your songs. How does that make you feel, Rihanna? Three bucks short of $25 million I bet.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Anger Rankings: Rihanna Songs Part 1 (I'm that lazy)

10. Take a Bow - More like Take a Bowel Movement, am I correct? Important lyric: "You look so dumb right now." So do you, forehead face. Blah boys blah relationships blah world's biggest bangs blah. Try acting and fail at that.

9. Shut up and Drive - Where we going? Off a cliff? I'll do the world a favor and take the wheel. Important lyric: "And a gangsta lean." I know bankers who are more gangster, and I don't mean "bankahs." People who went to school to learn how to bank.

8. Hate that I Love You - Well I love that I hate you. It's really a fantastic feeling that keeps my day going.

7. Don't Stop The Music - Important lyric: "Just let the music play." On order from the United States Government we order you to cease and desist "the music." FYI: I don't have a problem with Rihanna from the voicebox down. TMI?

6. S.O.S. - Songs of shit. Winner

Saturday, January 9, 2010

You know what Sportscenter needs?

More Rihanna.

I go to sporting events all the time. My friends and I are always waiting with clinched fists. "When are they going to play Rihanna on the PA. It's important to my sporting experience." After the stadium finally plays Rihanna, we pick up our things and leave. Rihanna and sports go together like pig and slop.

When Sportscenter plays Rihanna, I get so pumped for segments like Six Pack Cold Hard Facts or Preparation H Hot Seat. When she sings "Go Hard" I shout back "YOU KNOW IT GIRL, I GO HARD."

Anyway, I hope her voice stops working.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Worst fucking article ever... or at least this week

The Link

The article

There's a company that plans to build a stadium outside of L.A., and that company also has plans to steal a couple of NFL teams from other cities. Their intended targets of thievery: the Buffalo Bills and Jacksonville Jaguars. From the AP:

Majestic Realty Co. managing partner John Semcken said the company is still considering at least seven franchises for a new stadium some 25 miles east of Los Angeles.

They also include the San Francisco 49ers, San Diego Chargers, Minnesota Vikings, St. Louis Rams and Oakland Raiders.

But he said the Jaguars and the Bills are at the top of the list because they play in small markets that tamp down their earning potential and because they have little hope of building larger venues in their home regions.

At the very least, that last part is true. Building a bigger stadium for Jacksonville football fans would be like building a bigger public library for high school drop-out crystal meth tweakers. It's just not going to get much use.

It's kind of a strange announcement, and if I were a Jaguars or Bills fan, I'd take it a little personally. Basically, the L.A. people have just announced that they hate you and are planning on taking something that you love. That's just not very nice.

There's no reason to panic yet, though, as we're a long way from anything like that happening. A lot of people have wanted to put a team in L.A., and every single one of them has failed to get their act together. When it comes to landing an NFL team, L.A., for about fifteen years now, has been all talk.

I wouldn't worry too much about it just yet, Bills and Jags fans. Of course, it probably wouldn't hurt to start, you know, filling your stadium, either.


The reply

I am, for the first time in several days, speechless. In fact, I think the whole world just stopped speaking for a moment there. Someone used too many words to make an awful point. MJD you suck. You suck you suck you suck you suck.

Hey, Dennis Miller called, he wants his old tired bit back.

Hey, next time, why don't you just literally mail it in. I mean like, put it in the mail and address it yourself because this shit ain't going to work.

And, um, dear Yahoo... I know it's hard for you to believe, but many people actually read your front page and featured articles, so umm, step it up. I know, I know, you're too busy working on Yahooligans and fending off Microsoft take over bids, but really people, this is a whole new low in a list of disturbingly pathetic blogs that somehow make your front page. Let's hire an editor? Just one with some standards a touch higher than your current status quo. I can't change my email address, I'm in to0 deep. If only gmail had come out a year earlier than it did. So we're stuck together, you and I. Me and my ten thousand email inbox need you. So please, please, please suck just a little less. Every day.

And MJD... HIV, get it.


The way it should have read, minus research and editing because I don't get paid to do this shit

The Los Angeles based company that is planning to build a stadium outside of Los Angeles released a list of NFL franchises it plans on attempting to poach from their current cities. The list is obvious at best with few surprises.

Majestic Realty Co. managing partner John Semcken said the company is still considering at least seven franchises for a new stadium some 25 miles east of Los Angeles.

They also include the San Francisco 49ers, San Diego Chargers, Minnesota Vikings, St. Louis Rams and Oakland Raiders.

But he said the Jaguars and the Bills are at the top of the list because they play in small markets that tamp down their earning potential and because they have little hope of building larger venues in their home regions.


This season has really demonstrated some of the financial difficulties that Jacksonville and Buffalo are facing, two small markets with little hope of new venues and the increased revenue streams that come with it. Buffalo is toying with the idea of playing several games in Canada to increase it's home market (this is where a touch of research would make this a publishable article) and Jacksonville, who play in the # smallest media market in football, have the # lowest attendance figures and a stadium that local residents have decided they have zero interest in upgrading.

The other teams, with the exception of Al Davis and the Raiders are really a stretch. The Los Angeles market is enormous but really less than ideal for an NFL team and the plan Majestic Reality has produced is filled with holes. Stadium location, local politics, local interest level and the sheer size of an initial investment top the list. If I were betting man I'd have my money on Jacksonville. The consensus around the league seems to be in favor of a franchise in LA, and the Jaguars lack the tradition and local interest that the Bills have. Market size alone doesn't doom a franchise, (see, Bay, Green) and creative marketing and team success will go a long way towards increased revenue in Buffalo. Jacksonville by all accounts (like most of Florida) lacks many of the pros that Buffalo enjoys. It also has a hard time keeping it's stadium full, often the biggest sign that a team's time is up.

It will be years before anything happens in LA, but Majestic Reality seems more focused than any recent group and their actions due deserve note. We here at the Shutdown Corner will keep you posted as news develops.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Story of a Boy Named Lakeb Rhavey

I am not this boy, and for this, I am thankful. This is a story of a boy who is not me. His name is not revealed for privacy reasons, but he is not me. I swear it's not me. Not me.

This boy (please don't mistake him for me) was born to parents who loved him dearly, and nurtured him to genius at an early age. As a very young boy, he showed a capacity to outwit his loving parents. By the age of five, he had developed a keen interest in trickle-down economics and stuffed animals. By six, he was done with stuffed animals. He taught David Abernathy the fundamentals of ball-point pen surgery just a year later, and became the youngest person to land on the moon a year after that. Indeed, Lakeb had it made. In middle school, he had drawn up a theoretically-practical design for a time-machine. As a freshman in high school, he was engaged to Tiger's 4th mistress, but had to settle for number 97 when he found out about her cheating. There were a whole bunch of other crazy things he did in his early life, but I'm too lazy to make them up list them.

Mr. Rhavey turned 15, and instead of searching for universities, he decided to found his own. In order to invite all his friends, he needed a way to reach out to all 50,000 of them. Something like a social networking site. He had in no time accumulated 250,000 friends on Facebook (everyone has more friends on the internet). He grew to know them all as if each was his best friend, until he found a game called Farmville.

Lakeb abandoned all of his fame and fortune (and every bit of his common sense) to play Farmville. He has since dropped out of school, died his hair yellow (the color of hay bales), and joined a cult. He sold the ring he bought for Tiger girl to buy Farmville credits. When he got to a 32 X 32 plot, he could not get up. When he reached 1028 X 1028, he thought about getting out of his chair and pursuing more worthy tasks (you know, like brushing his teeth, or changing his diaper), but upon realizing this weakness, he glued his pants to his chair, and glued himself to his pants, so that he could not possibly leave. This ends the story of Lakeb Rhavey.

UNLESS, you have heard the call, and felt the urge to do something. There is still hope. Or at least hope that there is hope. What can be destroyed by the dastardly evils of the internet can also be revived. All it takes is your consideration, and half a second of your time to join the cause. Do it for Lakeb.