What if Joe Mauer's team makes the playoffs?

Writers will kill themselves, because that is the sole criterion for the MVP award.

Join My Fantasy NBA League

I know BigFace said he would. There are 4 of the 14 spots left. I invite my fellow co-writing studs to join this league.

Don't be scared by the $20 entry fee, just win the league. It's that simple, duh.

Email me at: collegewolf@hotmail.com for league ID and password. Egads!

Deadspin, finally useful

Read in SI today that the editors of Fire Joe Morgan are taking over Deadspin today. Check that out, butterfly shits.

Hi, I'm a Holistic Veterinarian

Hi, I'm a Holistic Veterinarian.

WHAT! YOU CAN'T FEED YOUR CAT THAT FOOD. CATS DESCENDED FROM DESERT CATS. THEY DO NOT EAT DRY FOOD. YOU ARE A MONSTER. THIS IS WHY ANIMALS DESERVE THEIR OWN RIGHTS SO THEY CAN BE FREED FROM MONSTERS SUCH AS YOURSELF AND CESAR MILLAN.

This is the day I had.

Obama!!! What do you think you're doing?!?

Over the past several months, trivial issues such as unemployment, public healthcare, and government spending have saturated the modern media with pointless questions, none of which will ever be answered until Obama addresses the most heavy-pressing issue of them all: Box Top inflation.

I strolled through the cereal isle just the other day, clipboard in hand, when I saw the most abhorrent injustice this nation has ever upheld. Two Box Tops on one box of Cocoa Puffs. Really, Barack? Are the cereal giants of America going to get away with this infraction of the Constitution? Some of the greatest minds of post-Colonial America drafted those hallowed papers in hope for a future America free from the shackles of Frosted Flakes or Wheat Thins!

Box Tops were propelled into the U.S. economy in the Clinton era, beginning as a harmless, innocent way to promote the well-being of students and their schools. Box Tops immediately incited obesity in children across the nation, as contests were stimulated in learning environments to raise money for schools, and the typical 5th grader would consume 3 to 4 boxes of cereal over a two-hour span on average. The winning class of the given school would possibly enjoy an ice cream party, only serving to fatten the innocent children more so.

Box Tops are also the primary causes of sudden infant death syndrome, liver cancer, and the common cold. And yes, there is absolutely no cure for the common cold.

I assumed the group of cereal boxes was something of a fluke or a mistake, so I moved on, and proceeded to evaluate the frozen yogurt section. My supermarket pastime was unanticipatedly interrupted when I spotted a box of Toaster Strudel with yet another two box tops. Last I checked, most boxes only have one top, don't they? DON'T THEY?!

So what does this mean for our already-crumbling America? This may turn into  a double-take of Canada's Box Top Reform, initiated by their emperor (or whatever they have in Canada) in 1985, during an 18 month recession, as the Box Tops were tearing apart the foundation of their economy. That's why their dollar is worth more than ours, I think. The only difference between now and then is that our economy is already in jeopardy, and the unsupervised doubling of box tops is sure to bring this nation's salubrity to an end.

How to prevent this? Eat more Box Tops. Not cereal. Box Tops. It's the only way. So long as all of the Box Tops in Anglo-America are consumed and digested, this beautiful nation will never see its end. Once you're done with the Box Top, give the cereal/frozen pastry/brownie mix to a homeless guy. He needs it more than you do, plus I hear it hurts to eat with liver cancer, which you now have from consuming box tops. We still admire your sacrifice for this country, though.

Clearly My Team Is The Best

in our first annual 20 team Illiterate Blog NFL Fantasy Football draft. I hope this is a keeper league. Now someone trade me Adrian Peterson. I have lots to offer:


Round Pick Player Position

1. (8) Larry Fitzgerald WR
2. (33) Brett Favre QB
3. (48) Minnesota DEF
4. (73) Visanthe Shiancoe TE
5. (88) Percy Harvin WR
6. (113) Chester Taylor RB
7. (128) Sidney Rice WR
8. (153) Ryan Longwell K
9. (168) Adrian Peterson RB
10. (193) Sage Rosenfels QB
11. (208) Tarvaris Jackson QB
12. (233) Jaymar Johnson WR
13. (248) Darius Reynaud WR
14. (273) Jim Kleinsasser TE
15. (288) John David Booty QB

KFC vs. Subway

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0m_Cv6BQpaA

It won't let me embed it, so this will have to do.

webster's defines "whatever"

Preseason NFL Cloud

The larger the word, the more times I've heard it said in the last two months. Needless to say, the WILDCAT OFFENSE!!!!!!! has stolen the show. 

Ten Minutes or Less: An entire NFL Preview

Starting NOW

New England Patriots: Tom Brady is not going to get hurt, people. Yet. Stay tuned for details.

Buffalo Bills: The TO Show went 1-15

Miami Dolphins: Resigned David Boston to a ten dayer. Just kidding. Twitter and the Tuna will MURDER YOUR FAMILY.

New York Jets: Leon

Houston Texans: Stop getting your hopes up. The masters of the 8-8

Tennessee Titans: I've got nothing.

Indianapolis Colts: No more Shooty Harrison, like he wasn't riding out into the sunset anyway? (Guns blazing)

Jacksonville Jaguars: The addition of Torry Holt's disgusting fingers will suffice. Suffice for what? I don't know, go away.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Big Ben hates pockets and the ladies?

Cleveland Browns: Mangenius? More like Mangiardia.

Cincinnati Bengals: Marvin Lewis. First to get fired, first in your hearts.

Baltimore Ravens: "Unibrower Power: Flac & co. get it done" -Baltimore Sun

Denver Broncos: Suck

Oakland Raiders: Sucker

Kansas City Chiefs: The logical progression would be suckiest but they are probably better than the last two teams mentioned.

San Diego Chargers: Norv Turner's skin flakes make great furniture. (what?)

NFC

Dallas Cowboys: "Romo Smitten? Love affair with Witten" -Baltimore Sun

Washington Redskins: I smell seven victories and sour cheddar flavoring

New York Giants: Whatever

Philadelphia Eagles: Vick and dogs and Vick and dogs and Vick and dogs

Atlanta Falcons: Ryan and cats and Ryan and cat and Ryan and cats (conspiracy)

Carolina Panthers: Hillbilly interception, call elias

Saints: who cares?

Bucs: Sorry, NOW WHOCARES?

Packers: Fuck 'em

Bears: Diabetus never won anything

Vikigns: FAVRE SIX TO MIDNIGHT From Peter King

Lions: stafford fat cheeks

Cards: warner.hurt.bookit.

Rams: sleeper, comatose

Seahawks: the most boring thing ever

49ers: this division, I mean my god

...........TIME

Either awesome or garbage.

I'm not sure. You decide.

Best. Video. Ever.

I know this has already been posted on our prestigious blog, but I can't help myself. Plus, some of our loyal readers may have missed it the first time. In case you missed it, the best video EVER. Seriously, I estimate that I have watched this approximately 7,472 times. And counting.


I.A.M.D.I.A.B.E.T.I.C.


P.S. I'm stupid and don't know how to make a video appear above. So a link must suffice.

Reader(s) Fantasy League

READER(S)? AHAHAHAHA, THAT'S RICH

I want the contributors and....readers....to join my fantasy football league. There are 19 spots available (I must have a spot becuase I am king). It is a live draft league with standard scoring (want 2 points for a successful lateral, go somewhere else). The draft is 8:45 PM on September 10th. If you can't make it, DON'T JOIN. Just kidding. Make sure you set your preranks and go drop dead at whichever "thing" you have to attend.

-That's September 10th at 8:45 PM
-No bullshit settings
-One team per person (I know I can't enforce this, but so help me God I'll destroy the league if I sense spidershit goings on)
-Animalshit
-If you're too much of a bigshot to be active, then gain 100 pounds and get on disability
-League ID#: 833928
Password: boosh

Or don't join and see if the baby gets it.

Can I be the Advertising Agent?

Check out some of my ideas:

FML

"I dare you to do better." -Captain Christopher Pike

Having diabetes

is awesome



How this has only 48,000 hits in a year is beyond comprehension.

Twitter Friendly Movie Reviews

Feel free to agree with everything I say. The beauty of a twitter friendly review is that if anything is wrong or missing you can blame the 140 character limit. You're welcome and I'm sorry. 

Inglorious Basterds, Tarantino has done it again. His style works because his writing is great and his actors performances are authentic.

District 9, a very non Hollywoood movie that eventually uses Hollywoody plot elements. Original in style, location and pacing. Enjoyable.

500 days of summerA unique take on a love story. Pleasant to watch. A NYC/Chicago type setting in downtown LA. Not horrible. Some say good

Bruno, Completely over the top. Not quite guerrilla film making. Lots of penis. Some very funny moments. Shock humor taken to a new level.

The Hangover, I laughed my ass off. Really enjoyed this movie. Zach Galifianakis's star is born. Very satisfying movie. Well done.

Up, Another enjoyable, funny, poignant Pixar film. Good for kids and adults. Made some adults cry. Not me, I'm tough. Everyone laughed too.

Fantasy Draft Advice: WRs

1. Larry Fitzgerald

He was on the Madden Cover, so don't draft him no matter how far he falls.

2. Andre Johnson

ESPN said that he could get hurt. Cross him off all your lists now.

3. Calvin Johnson

He's the sexy pick for #1 WR this year, but I don't buy it. He has some nice physical features, but he's no Tom Brady. Don't consider him either.

4. Randy Moss

Despite popular belief, he did have Tom Brady for part of last year. Don't draft him, because he could end up not having Tom Brady at all this year. Gay joke? You decide.

5. Steve Smith, Panthers

I bet you think I'm going to say that you shouldn't draft him. You're right.

6. Reggie Wayne

You can draft him, but I wouldn't.

7. Greg Jennings

He probably feels like Brett Favre betrayed the Packers, but I don't think that matters.

8. Roddy White

Have you noticed how this is lazier than anything I've ever written?

9. Terrell Owens

Do you think he's banging those two chicks on his TV show? Yes, I'll admit it, I have watched parts of his show.

10. Anquan Boldin

You didn't hear it from me, but he could finish with more fantasy points than Larry Fitzgerald. I'm not saying he will, but it's possible, kinda.

11. TJ Houshsmasomething

I have him higher on this list than on my real list because I want to mess your teams up.

12. Wes Welker

Draft him here if you have a Pats fan in your league. They would trade both of their nuts for him. Don't accept this trade, because nuts don't have much value, but it's a good start.

13. Roy Williams

He was bad with the Cowboys last year, but that's only because TO was always bullying him. I heard he ran home from practice crying one day because TO gave him a wedgie. He saw a therapist all summer, and it sounds like he's recovering well.

14. Dwayne Bowe

I'm not sure what the Chiefs are trying to prove by not putting Bowe as the starter on the depth chart. I'm pretty sure he's the only healthy WR in Missouri.

15. Marques Colston

I'm too lazy to think of anything.

16. Brandon Marshall

He hasn't learned the playbook, he wants to be traded, and he's got nagging injuries. Don't worry about any of those, because it's just fantasy football.

17. Eddie Royal

You'd have to be an idiot to put Marshall above Royal.

18. Chad Ochocinco

Did you see him kick that extra point?

19. Braylon Edwards

I really wasn't prepared for this list. Laziness.

20. Vincent Jackson

I quit.

More LLWS "Insight"

I was watching Chula Vista versus Kentucky (don't quote me on the teams involved or the transpirings).

I love it when the kids wear eye black. It serves as a makeshift tear test to show you just how much they've cried. When Chula Vista lead 14-0, one of the Kentucky kids had eye black draining down his chin. Hey champ, embrace the mercy of the ten run rule and maybe be older and take bull semen like the Chula Vista team. (Kinda throwing around accusations here......but they were totally on something, especially the one kid named Luke "extra hormones in the milk" Martinez)

Then one player, and I won't name him (cause I forgot), listed his favorite athlete as Tim Tebow. No, no, it happened. I know! He was also tweaky and didn't have his uniform fully buttoned. Kids and old people are the punchlines of the human race.

Now allow me to type more right things. You ever notice how the teams closest in proximity to cheap steroids and questionably aging youngsters seem to win? If not, take note of that in the future.

Also, take this note: "Don't watch LLWS around people who like it while drunk at a bar. Who in the hell are these losers? Is this shit the new World Series of Poker? God, don't get me started on that. I mean, poker? I know there's probably skill in the decision making than most pessimists lead you to believe, but IT'S A G.D. CARD GAME ON TELEVISION. WHAT CHANGES FROM YEAR TO YEAR? Bring back the XFL, I say. Or televise minor league baseball. If you know someone who watches card games on TV, they are a fat person. Oh look...look! That one guy had a flush. Here's a flush *flushes bidet with figurative turd in it* What's next? Piano recitals. Piano recitals are next."

Offended? flag@whitehouse.gov

What's the difference between the WNBA and Little League Baseball?

Ground Rules: No one likes the WNBA.

But the more and more I bash little league baseball, the more dirty looks I get. What is the difference?

We're talking about sports being played poorly due to physical liabilities. One due to the physical weakness of women, the other due to subpar coordination during child development.

And why do my co-workers like watching children cry? I almost want to call protective services. They may be playing out a little league conquest at the dinner table, complete with irreparable psychological damage due to the outcome of a meaningless baseball game. Remember who won the 1986 World Series? Of course you do. Remember who won the 2008 Little League World Series? If you do, stop reading.

Here's the part of the post where you're thinking "He must've had a bad experience with Little League and he's just bitter." Well, yes and no. I hated Little League, but I knew I would hate it going in. It was pretty much a "let's get this over with" hate and not a "how many epithets can my dad shout at the other team while they bat and where is his shirt" hate. Hey kids, losing this game you play so poorly makes all the difference in the way your parents view you. Oh, national television too. Now go out there and shit your pants.

So when someone bashes the WNBA, while extolling the virtues of little league baseball in the same breath, see if you can get them fired for having snuff films on their hard drive.

The Less You Know *asteroid*