Week 5 Power Rankings

1. Indianapolis Colts

With the way Peyton Manning's playing, some may begin to compare him to Tom Brady. OK, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but it's possible.

2. New York Giants

Eli Manning is going back home this week. Why would you care? I don't know, but all the media outlets seem to think it's important, so I thought I'd bring it up. I guess it could affect his play, but that really wouldn't make any sense.

3. New Orleans Saints

People keep saying Mike Bell might be the lead back over Pierre Thomas. I'm not sure where this assumption that Sean Payton is a moron came from.

4. Minnesota Vikings

This team doesn't get enough attention. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of media around the team, but it's all focused on Brett Favre. It's pretty hilarious how obsessed people are...and a little disgusting. Knock before you go into Peter King's room.

5. Philadelphia Eagles

McNabb is wearing a flak jacket. That's pretty badass. The rest of the team is okay, too.

6. Denver Broncos

I'm waiting for this team to fall apart, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. They rebuilt that defense in a hurry. I also thought Marshall would just phone it in in a Braylon Edwards fashion, but he's look really good as well. I kind of believe in them.

7. Atlanta Falcons

I heard some people predicting this team would take a step back. I'm not sure why people said this, and I really don't care. I'm just trying to fill some space here. Move along, people!

8. Cincinnati Bengals

So where'd this Cedric Benson fellow come from?

9. Baltimore Ravens

If they can get a win over Brett Favre this week, it would cement their place in media Hell. It would also show that they're pretty good.

10. Chicago Bears

I recognize that this team is pretty good, but I just don't care about them for some reason.

11. Pittsburgh Steelers

Polamalu is back from filming hair conditioner commercials, so this team is ready to go. Willie Parker is also scheduled to come back next week. He'll then spend a few weeks recovering from a high ankle sprain, but he should be back by December. That's when he plans on straining his quad.

12. New York Jets

I can't wait until Edwards starts dropping passes. He's going to be the football ARod, except less talented and more of a douche.

13. New England Patriots

This can't be right.

14. San Francisco 49ers

Dre Bly needs to get the ball more. That would make this team entertaining.

15. San Diego Chargers

Norv Turner is a terrible coach, LT is really old, and Phillip Rivers and Merriman are douches. So whatever.

16. Green Bay Packers

Their O-line is something awful, and games are won in the trenches, says the angry former linemen on the TV box.

17. Dallas Cowboys

The Cowboys should cut Miles Austin, since he might be pretty good. As we all know, Tony Romo prefers shitty receivers to all-time greats like Terrell Owens. Don't question the logic, just accept it.

18. Miami Dolphins

Chad Henne looked pretty good on Monday Night. And his peformance wasn't too bad, either.

That was really terrible.

19. Arizona Cardinals

Did Marshall Faulk molest Kurt Warner or something? It seems like the thought of handing the football off terrifies him.

20. Houston Texans

It's Matt Schaub, not Matt Schwab. Who am I talking to? Oh, I think you know.

21. Seattle Seahawks

I'm not sure what happened last week. Frankly, I don't want to know. Let's just move on with our lives.

22. Jacksonville Jaguars

They sure taught Mike Sims-Walker a lesson. He wants to stay out late at night and have sex with girls? Well, they can get murdered without him!

23. Carolina Panthers

Here's a novel concept: Draft a quarterback.

24. Washington Redskins

This is a depressing time for fans. All the other awful teams at least have some promising young player. The Redskins have Clinton Portis, who they abused, and Albert Haynesworth, also known as heart disease.

25. Detroit Lions

They're not as bad as some people think, but that's not anything to brag about.

26. Tennesee Titans

They had a really good record last year, so it's just too weird to put them any lower.

27. Kansas City Chiefs

Didn't they lose to the Raiders? That's pretty funny. And Matt Cassel is being paid like a star.

28. Buffalo Bills

That was a really embarrassing game against the Browns, but they still have enough decent pieces to finish with possibly 4-5 wins. GET EXCITED, FANS!!!

29. Cleveland Browns

Derek Anderson goes 2-17 and Mangini gives him a vote of confidence. Man, I wish my team had a coach from the Belichick school of wizards. He's a great teacher, though it seems pretty obvious that Josh McDaniels wasn't paying attention in class.

30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

I'm pretty sure that Josh Johnson guy is someone they just made up because they were just too embarrassed to admit they drafted someone as dumb as Josh Freeman.

31. St. Louis Rams

They got the ball into the red zone and they did a QB draw with Kyle Boller. That's all you really need to know.

32. Oakland Raiders

It's being reported that Jeff Garcia was actually cut because he filled the minds of young Raider players with thoughts of beautiful offensive drives where the team crosses the invisible yellow line and gets more downs. Al Davis didn't want his players believing in something that wasn't possible.